"You belong among the wildflowers. You belong in a boat out at sea..."

There was a man all alone; 
   he had neither son nor brother. 
There was no end to his toil, 
   yet his eyes were not content with his wealth. 
“For whom am I toiling,” he asked, 
   “and why am I depriving myself of enjoyment?” 
This too is meaningless— 
   a miserable business!

--Ecclesiastes 4:8

In the bible, the first thing that God recognizes as "not good" is for man to be alone. If God was enough for Adam, why did he make Eve?

I worry that my life will be filled with this "not good" of loneliness. I worry so much that it is me. I'm crazy, abrasive, annoying, and apparently far too talkative.  Lately I have been spending a great deal of time alone. At the same time I have tried desperately to remain as quiet as possible at school. I know they get tired of me talking, but as much as I just want someone to listen to me and tell me all my worries are okay, I continue to deny myself this. They don't care nor do they wish to hear about it. 

This past winter I had a friend that would occasionally come and watch a television show with me. I enjoyed their company, but I haven't seen them in weeks. It has been ages since my female friend and I have just "hung out". 

When I was at SBU I always knew that if I needed someone to talk to or just sit with me that I would find someone who would do so. Right now I'm hundreds of miles from anyone who'd drop what they were doing to spend an hour or two with me. I really miss that. 

When I was growing up I always had my siblings to keep me company. When I was blue my sister was always there to comfort me. My brother was always there to chat with. They grow older and are starting families of their own, thus have less time. I miss talking to my brother after work before we'd go in the house. I miss going to the movies with my sister.

I guess part of getting older is realizing that while the companionship is still needed, the opportunities grow slimmer. 

"Her smile is more precious than the sparkle of pearls"

I'm sad.

I'm certain my life is a continuous battle against depression.

"I play it off but I'm dreamin of you I'll keep my cool but I'm feigning "

A friend of mine, who in the past month or two had a break-up came to a great realization this past weekend. He realized that the girl he was involved with could not be the sole source of his happiness and it was unfair to expect her to be so.

As I experience March free of boyfriends (though there is one I wish I had.... but we won't go into that) I realize that without one, I have grown to remember the many things that have brought me happiness. Happiness that isn't tied to any individual.

For example in my depression of sorts I bought far too many plants. I can say I do dearly love my plants. I have taken great care to nurture them to grow their very best.

Another example: In speaking to a female friend of mine I remember stating how relaxing folding paper was and how much I enjoyed it. I finally ordered myself some basic paper to fold with.

I have come to realize that what I am going to grad school for excites me, intrigues me and challenges me but it is not my heart. My heart desires art, nature, music....

However, I often feel guilty in pursuing these things that enrich my spirit. Usually this is when I should be doing work. Quite often I'd rather paint, draw, garden, write, dance, run, feel the wind across my face, listen to the rain and learn that song I want to sing to a man I'm in love with on my ukulele. Despite the guilt, I know that these things along with my peers, keep me sane.

We must remember that life is so much richer if we include the things we enjoy. Art reminds me that beauty isn't reserved for perfection. Quite often the beautiful things in life are not sharp edges ( I often think leaves are the most perfect shape ever) or perfect even numbers. The world is so irrational and so breathtaking!

I hope that I will marry a man someday who has hobbies that greatly enrich his life.

For now I want to run to the App Mountains and breathe the clean fresh air. I cannot wait for perfect painting weather. I have the urge to run and laugh and play in the rain. Cats, I've got to get one of those.