"It’s the way I’m feeling I just can’t deny, but I've gotta let it go"

Two-thousand-and-eleven will mark my second non-family Christmas celebration. 

I'm the only one of my siblings that won't be home for Christmas. The ticket prices for a plane ride were ridiculous for Christmas time and I am not made of cash. Only after I bought my tickets to visit my brother later in the coming new year, did my parents offer to help me pay with tickets to come see them over Christmas (along with the rest of the family). After refusing to change my destination and time of my flight, my parents have been rather cold with me. It isn't my fault I make a fifth to a quarter of the salary they make and made the best financial decision for my situation. Got to love credit cards. 

I'd go see my lovely sister for Christmas, however, considering how long it has been since I've seen my brother.... 

I really wanted to start my own holiday traditions this year. I told my dad this and he laughed at me, as if being single/unmarried made me unqualified to start my own traditions. Everyone knows dad that you doubt I'll marry (You were kind enough to announce it at my baby sister's wedding and you are lucky I still talk to you), but this  doesn't mean I cannot start a small tradition of my own.

I put up my tree within the first week of December thinking fondly of my sister as I decorated it with the ornaments she made and sent me last year and ornaments I bought last year to make my tree super cute. When I was younger our family always rearranged the furniture in the living room and put up and decorated the tree together. When I switched families, my mother did the whole thing herself and I grew to miss a tradition from my childhood (despite my birth parents being "sickos"). I mailed out a bazillion Christmas cards and have received a fair share of my own.

Currently, I've been wondering what I want in a "Christmas Holiday Traditional Dinner".  I thought of going to a Christmas Eve service, as I've always loved going, I find myself without someone willing to go with me. It always feels so awkward going to church alone. I will likely at a minimum read the Christmas story from the Bible.

At a minimum, I hope my family will humor me and at least allow me to skype with them over the holiday. 

With everyone leaving town to visit family, I cannot help but feel a touch of depression. In some ways, I'm glad I won't be visiting my parents over Christmas. Being stuck in a house with the politics of 3 married couples would only make me feel more alone and isolated. I'm the odd man out. In truth I envy my siblings. I all but begged my anti-social friend who isn't leaving town for Christmas to come have Christmas dinner with me.

Christmas should be a time I rejoice at the birth of my Saviour Jesus Christ, instead I'm crying as if it were Easter.

I really need a cat.

The International Conundrum

Attending grad school at a larger institution without the Super Jesus subculture has proved to be interesting. There are a great deal more minorities and far more international students than I have been accustomed to in my past. 

This semester my lab group recruited an international student to work with us as we needed an extra member as our current trio fell short of the 4-group-member requirement. I suppose it could be said he sought us. Last semester many of us started off on the lab trilogy, where our newest team member had not. Many of the groups were pre-established, and thus finding a group I'm sure proved challenging. We accepted him as our fourth member and assumed that all would be well given his ethnicity. The Chinese always seem to work hard and get excellent grades.

After each completed lab we are expected as a group to compile a lab report. It is customary to break apart the tasks so that no one person is overwhelmed with the amount of work required. We figured with the addition of another member this burden would be even lighter. Tasks were assigned-- our Chinese member receiving the task of writing up the theory used in the laboratory experiment. It quickly became apparent that he had plagerized the entire theory section from various sources. Naturally, we the trio of Americans (myself included) were greatly angered by this. To us this was not only lazy but unethical. The work had to be re-written by one of our team members. 

We addressed the issue the week after the realization. It was explained that this act of copying paragraphs of material without citing one's sources or using quotation marks was wrong. After this we assumed the problem would be resolved and started the next laboratory assignment. 

Within a week of this incident, there was to be a seminar about the very topic of plagiarism. Sadly, our team member did not attend. We discussed many scenarios, one which lingered on my mind. There was a case of a man who had earned his PhD later for the background and theory section of his dissertation to be cited for plagiarism.  The thing that struck me odd is that the man was from a foreign country (in this case not China) and did not feel he had done anything wrong in copying over 10 pages of another student's published thesis in his own dissertation. He had provided the source in his bibliography. 

As we began compiling the second experiment's lab report I discovered that again (though this time less obvious) our team member had plagiarized several sections of the theory in bulk form. Again, I felt anger. I had not spent hours working on my section to be handed something that was simply copied from sources and yet again the section had to be rewritten. I expressed how upset I was in an email reminding all my lab members that plagiarism was unacceptable. I had never come across this problem before in my entire academic career. I'm sure my fellow lab member was penalized more heavily for the wrong answer.

Our beloved fourth lab member spoke with another one of my lab members this past week while I was home sick with a migraine. He felt terrible as he had tried to produce his section in "his own words". I have since realized that our team member had trouble understanding this concept in the same manner as we Americans do. My entire academic career was spent on threats of flunking classes, losing scholarships, and gaining shame if I even thought of producing plagiarized work as my own. Websites like turnitin.com were used to insure my adherence to the practice of producing original but correct answers. 

I have come to realize that the American way, while protecting intellectual property, is not practiced by all the world. My team member simply did not realize he was doing something wrong. He had the correct answer, and an answer that was well published and well written. English is his second language, thus having to produce several pages on a technical topic becomes cumbersome. 

The moral of the story is the solution is not as simple as we might have hoped. Morals and professional ethics is not practiced the same across the world. In some countries having the right answer (regardless of the source) may far better than having the wrong answer in one's own words. The collective knowledge of people moves from individual credit to the realm of anonymous and public property. There is no reason to reinvent the wheel. What is yours (and correct) is mine. 

However, the American way of professional ethics demands the acknowledgement of an individual. There is no collectivism. What is yours is not mine. I must be creative. The need to master not only the idea but the English language is vital in relaying an idea just as majestically as the individual I am referencing. To use his idea exactly is stealing, no matter how perfectly poetic his idea is cast. I am required to reinvent the wheel. 

Our team member needs help in fully grasping this idea. This transition is not easy and our help will ensure the process is speedier. He needs help in executing it after he has understood. This week we have assigned him to data processing and this time I know he will do an excellent job. 

"I could rest my head just knowin' that you were mine all mine"

Job Fairs remind me of the idea of Reconnaissance.

Almost everyone dresses the same. Each employer attempts to lure potential employees with freebies, and each potential employee attempts to find a career that seems fitting.

I've never found career fairs particularly helpful. While they give a general idea of what a company offers, rarely is there someone in your field in that company to talk to. One merely hopes to gain enough information through a less than stellar source for the information one seeks to get a general idea if the company is right for them.

While I did find the career fair to a point interesting and informative, I am still left with a large array of choices, and far too many questions. Where do I want to live? What exactly do I wish to do on a daily basis? What is the minimum I'm willing to get paid? Do I want to be available to be relocated every year?

These questions are overwhelming enough, but then the most terrifying idea arises:
I don't want to stay in Ohio, and this would mean moving away from a person I deeply care about. Again, I'm leaving someone behind and the idea brings me a great deal of anxiety.

As the time frame to start applying for jobs looms nearer everyday, I have put the thought out of my mind, postponed it so to speak. However, the career fair reminds me that this part of my life must be brought forth and dealt with. My feelings must not only be hashed out but expressed.

I never felt comfortable with my feelings, as I have always had reason to avoid attachment usually involved with them. By accepting my feelings, I'd be defenestrating logic and sound reasoning. The problem has become that my feelings match my logic....and I am paralyzed with doubts, sadness, and insecurity. I do not know how to say "I love you" readily without fear, I do not know how to state "I want you in my future" without sounding embarrassed, and the worst part is I do not know how I will deal with the worst case scenario of  "I don't want the same". I am entombed, disoriented, and lacking courage. 

"So if you want to love me
Then darlin' don't refrain
Or I'll just end up walkin'
In the cold November rain"

Let's just hope I manage to speak up soon.