"I find I'm scared to know I'm" *never* "on your mind."

I am getting closer to having the first week of grad school out of the way. Yippie!

I never pictured myself in Ohio. In all honesty I feel that I am very much in the right place. There is a large Asian population it seems in the area (judging by the Korean and Chinese Baptist Churches), which is always a plus. I like Asians. I've never met a mean one.

Though I've been in the area for two weeks now, I still have no "friends". I define a friend as someone I can call up and go hang out with. Someone whom calls me frequently. Though I have many friends that don't meet this criteria. I get lonely. But the best way to avoid loneliness is to remain distracted. I try very hard. I fear being this way for a lifetime and it is horrifying.

I've done much to help my friendless problem. I attend classes, talk to people around campus, and go to the gym. I even joined a group on-line of 20-somethings that get together and do things. I started to go to church last week and hopefully weeks to come will be fruitful. I simply want a friend near.

This makes me think back to something G said. He was always worried I wouldn't do well by myself. That I couldn't sustain myself. I have managed to get a car, get an apartment, and soon will be living financially stable. I can make it by alone. I hope that I'd make you proud, but I'm sure I'm a failure in your eyes. In fact I bet you don't care.

This reminds me of people who care. My undergrad prof asked about me the other day. It is assuring to know that he cared. I miss that man. Teachers are wonderful people.

I write here tonight, almost as a small prayer, in hopes that soon a friend will show. Soon I will find contentment with life. I feel I am close to being content. I don't really need much.

500 sq ft of apartment is what 30+ men in a Chilean mine have. How richly blessed am I? (Note that I wouldn't want anything bigger than what I currently have. This is a nice size for me... but 33 men! geez!)

I am certain someone loves me beyond measure.

By the way, you should read Dracula. Awesome book. I really enjoyed it for many reasons. It reminds me how some trials must be endured for the best.

"I believe in one God, The Father Almighty, Maker of Heaven and earth, and of all things visible and invisible"

I have a confession. I am strongly attracted to the Orthodox Christian Church. I am a Southern Baptist.

In all honesty I grew up in a home where God was never mentioned. Oddly I've always known He was there. I don't know how, but I do know why--- as crazy as it sounds He had His Eye on me. My path to becoming "Christian" started when I was 12. I started attending a Methodist service with my birth mom. I didn't understand it--I simply colored the pages.

When I went into foster care I went to church 3 times a week with my foster parents. They were Baptist.

In many ways my theology is an odd mix of Baptist and Methodist. In many ways I am disappointed in the Baptist idea. There is too much focus on myself. Too many pop-esque worship songs. Too much informality.

While I agree the church should be an entity that opens it's doors to all, I don't like the idea of people coming in their street shoes to the house of God.

Worship to me is a very, very formal thing. I attempt to dress in my best. To me, God demands we worship and follow him wholeheartedly, why should my dress be any different?

If the Orthodox church is a flame I am a moth. She, Christ's Bride, in her most formal form captures this prodigal's eyes. She is well polished. Predictable. Formal and mysterious. She is ritualistic and symbolic.

I enjoy a very involved worship service. One that distracts my mind off me, and pulls my attention to the prize-- Jesus Christ, my Lord and Saviour. <--- And that is what I expect to find in the very rooted traditional services of the Orthodox church.

I am very excited to head to church tomorrow. Very, very excited.

"The lover is a monotheist..."

who knows that other people worship different gods but cannot himself imagine that there could be other gods.  ~Theodor Reik


My summer roommate and I had a nice talk this evening. She is always very helpful for talking about things that are generally on my mind. We talked about grad school, old flames, and the importance of being loved fully. I think this quote (see above) is fitting for the last topic.


The roomie brought up that when we are loved unconditionally and love unconditionally that a relationship will flourish. I must agree


As a woman I believe I am to love my future husband like I am to love my Lord. Do we not worship our God, our Lord with full knowledge that other "gods" exist? I do. However, I fully know that the Christian God, to me to be the only God out there. I hope I feel the same about my husband some day.


My hopes are that he, my husband, loves me with the same depth and passion in which my Lord does.


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Furthermore I'd like to speak about the lost.  I wept last night about such and for a while I had difficulty sleeping. I wept over people whom I've come to dislike...flaming atheists who've never cared or been nice to me. I guess the thoughts are how am I any different that I am called to Christ?


Hell is a tricky topic for a compassionate Calvinist that I am. It bothers me that I do not understand why God doesn't call the good, the mediocre, the little starving girls of Africa...


Sometimes, it is hard to feel like a productive evangelist and mention hell. Tricky not to scare people into a faith, that for them will be empty. Tricky even more to avoid pissing them off with cases such as Gandhi who by the book is likely to burn in hell--even when many Christians couldn't begin to touch how close to the actions of Christ the man lived. 


Yet it is difficult for me to believe that I will make it to heaven. It doesn't appeal to me. I long to see Christ embrace the lost little girl in Africa just once before I burn.


It is not out of a doubt of my salvation, but an assurance of what is rightfully deserved of my sinful life. I wish I could be like Gandhi-- and perhaps one day I shall overcome my fears of having nothing and do so.