"The lover is a monotheist..."

who knows that other people worship different gods but cannot himself imagine that there could be other gods.  ~Theodor Reik


My summer roommate and I had a nice talk this evening. She is always very helpful for talking about things that are generally on my mind. We talked about grad school, old flames, and the importance of being loved fully. I think this quote (see above) is fitting for the last topic.


The roomie brought up that when we are loved unconditionally and love unconditionally that a relationship will flourish. I must agree


As a woman I believe I am to love my future husband like I am to love my Lord. Do we not worship our God, our Lord with full knowledge that other "gods" exist? I do. However, I fully know that the Christian God, to me to be the only God out there. I hope I feel the same about my husband some day.


My hopes are that he, my husband, loves me with the same depth and passion in which my Lord does.


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Furthermore I'd like to speak about the lost.  I wept last night about such and for a while I had difficulty sleeping. I wept over people whom I've come to dislike...flaming atheists who've never cared or been nice to me. I guess the thoughts are how am I any different that I am called to Christ?


Hell is a tricky topic for a compassionate Calvinist that I am. It bothers me that I do not understand why God doesn't call the good, the mediocre, the little starving girls of Africa...


Sometimes, it is hard to feel like a productive evangelist and mention hell. Tricky not to scare people into a faith, that for them will be empty. Tricky even more to avoid pissing them off with cases such as Gandhi who by the book is likely to burn in hell--even when many Christians couldn't begin to touch how close to the actions of Christ the man lived. 


Yet it is difficult for me to believe that I will make it to heaven. It doesn't appeal to me. I long to see Christ embrace the lost little girl in Africa just once before I burn.


It is not out of a doubt of my salvation, but an assurance of what is rightfully deserved of my sinful life. I wish I could be like Gandhi-- and perhaps one day I shall overcome my fears of having nothing and do so.

"I sometimes find you and I collide " Sadly you wanted something elastic.

They say no man is an island, but more often than not I feel like an island.

I have a confession. I'm certain I suffer from some form of depression, that I have a low self-esteem, and I am never fully certain anyone ever likes me. I have serious trust issues.

Confession 2: I ignore that anything in my first confession is true.

In all respects it is easier to think that I am not blue or lonely. I attempt to do everything to surround myself with people. I know it is best for me.

My inner thoughts make me question my sanity-- for to live is to frankly suffer longer.

Now suffering is good and all. I should clarify. Suffering has its meaning, its points, its lessons. Inherently suffering in my mind isn't a product of evil, but a natural often occurring phenomenon. It happens. From what we suffer becomes the unbearable part.

I've thought of various ways to curb my loneliness and really... nothing has been found that works. Alcohol keeps me from remembering my ex-boyfriend--- or perhaps he is never on my mind when I drink. Either way. I try not to use alcohol this way. I fear being lonely AND an alcoholic.

 I usually attempt more constructive methods, which do not relieve my loneliness but make it much more enjoyable to suffer in. Music is an example. While it might remind me of what I've lost, what I am missing out on, music reminds me that I am not alone in thinking.

I'd write my future husband letters if I actually believed he existed. I guess it is more that I need convincing he actually exists anymore...and that my desires to be married to a godly, good, man are not disillusion of my own working. Then again I'm not good enough-- ask my ex-boyfriend.

Rambling is a result of being upset for me. I just need to get things off my chest so to speak. If no one cares to listen at least the internet will still accept my posts. Ha! It can't escape.

And the Title. A poor jab at the ex-boyfriend-- because I'm upset and he's an easy target. Shame on me. When the rain comes I'm sure he wouldn't offer an umbrella.

"People are People"

Today I look back at the past year of my life. This time last year I was getting over the biggest heartbreak of my life and interacting with the man whom is now my boyfriend.

The dynamics have changed dramatically over the course of a year between myself and these two men. X promptly removed himself from every possible aspect of my life. He no longer makes any effort...though he made little to begin with.

"Help me understand"

I have stopped letting this tear me apart. I have begun to accept that he doesn't care --- at all. Though we saw each other everyday for class...the interaction was to avoid, to be cold shouldered, and if possible--ignore.

"People are people so why should it be, You and I get along so awfully?"

Then there is my boyfriend of year. We have grown closer, annoyed each other, and bring rays of sunshine to each other. We've spent most of our time apart. We've been there to help prep for new lives in different cities. We've been there for graduation. We've been there in dark moments, happy times, busy and tired. We are still together because unlike X, we realized the importance of communication, we actually care equally for each other, and we practice

Now the reason I can say that this week marks a year dating my boyfriend I only know this because of X.

I guess in retrospect X was fundamental in guiding me to know the right amount of each key ingredient to make a relationship that is healthy, happy, and easy on the stomach.

I bought a car with the help of my boyfriend's American family.

Perhaps, at this moment in my life I am right where I am supposed to be. And for once I feel at ease.