"Where dreams, they're not so far away"

Today I have decided to write a blog. Why I don't know, or perhaps I do. Perhaps it is due to my desire to scream what is on my mind, but wary of who my audience might be should I proclaim my inner struggles that confuse and confound me.

So what plagues this caged bird today?

1. The "ex". We all have them. It has been nearly a year since we were dating. The fact I've been seeing a guy for six months does some good at persuading my heart that the "ex" is best left as such. My mind knows best I say. Sadly I still love my "ex" strongly, and I am plagued to wonder what he's doing as he has nearly cut me out of his life, except for class each day.

Perhaps it is my nature to hope that one day he'll see how much I did and do hold him in this broken heart of mine. I don't feel I ever had his heart to break. Perhaps this is the worst feeling of all.

Well as Kurt V. would say, "So it goes."

2. Graduation. Can we say that this is a bad time to be leaving the academic community? Yes, and if you need proof look at the job market. If you're in school, try desperately to stay in. There are many anxieties here. I don't hear many people having a fear of graduation. I like to think they are all lying. For the first time in my life, I cannot tell you where I will be living in 6 months, let alone 4. I could be anywhere in the U.S. and on top of that I am left to reconstruct my world in a city who's society, roads, dangers, etc. are completely unknown to me. Second, there is money. Getting out on your own requires a steady income, or perhaps an inconsistent one that covers everything. O_o

3. The "re-building" of my faith. I'm Christian but after being snubbed by a family of "we're better than you" Christians.....Well to put it lightly God and I had a little fight where I got mad and walked a little distance. Nothing too crazy. Kinda like those on-off couples who can't avoid one another, I have been there all along, hoping to be chased, and He, just patiently waiting knowing I'll come back. It must be nice to be God and know everything. I'm working through my anger. This is where the "ex" comes back in. Nearly killed me in every rite.

4. My boyfriend. He generally is free-spirited. I worry about his faith. I suppose I worry about everyone's faith, but more of those close to me. I worry about how we'll survive the next year if we are apart. I really really hate it-- being apart all the time. Long distance relationships are terrible...and I wish I was better at them. I want him here, NOW! :P However "patience is a virtue". He's really great. :) Now if I could get the ex off my mind....damn smells, places, and memories. (Isn't it terrible we sometimes only want to remember the good things and these things tempt us into foolish notions that what we had was better, yeah...thank you chemical-dependent brain for your poor rational sometimes, and praise God for logic that helps me to see that sorry old relationship for what it was.... one-sided.)

All in all I hope that this blog becomes something more than a complaint of the world or a boring representation of my life. I'd love a topic discussion, but that requires more imagination than I care to employ at this moment.

It is my prayer for Christians to sow good seed, and for those spiritually blinded to see.

Jude 1:2

∞ The Caged Bird