Love

Love. We all want it and chase after it. There is something comforting in knowing that there is someone who cares for you, wants you and is quite crazy about you. To love with undying affection, purity, and properness is probably one of the most challenging things I've ever had the chance to try.

I spent several years trying to be with the man I loved, to find out I didn't love him in the end. I spent a year of my life attempting to love yet another man. Now I find myself having trouble loving the man I'm with, not because he is unlovable, but because I simply am protecting myself.

There are varying degrees to love a person. I love many to different degrees. The first man I "loved" was merely a trick of my youth. The second man I attempted to love, I did, and I have still yet to recover from it. The man I love now, poses new challenges.

There is a song I have been introduced to of late. This song is called Winter Winds by a group out of the UK called Mumford and Sons. Below is an excerpt from the song that I'd like to touch on.

Oh the warmth in your eyes swept me into your arms

Was it love or fear of the cold that led us through the night?

For every kiss your beauty trumped my doubt

And my head told my heart

"Let love grow"

But my heart told my head

"This time no

This time no"

I think after suffering such a devastating blow from the art of loving, my heart is rebelling such love. Makes me think what causes us to choose people to love.

My first serious boyfriend it was the "can't have" that fueled me. He was kind, nice, and I honestly had never experienced that. I eventually broke off an engagement because of a number of factors including: a sex addiction, spiritual difference, different interests, different ideals, and different areas of intelligence.

My second serious boyfriend was a result of being accepted and encouraged, and a lot of wooing. The beginning was filled with many fond memories. He was good with words. I decided to love him. I consciously tried to love him, and in the end found that I had succeeded in loving him beyond my most absurd imaginings. Sadly in the end, I was not accepted for who I was, felt that I was helpless in improving, and cheated of receiving the same in return. This man honestly broke me. How I managed to stay sane and together is a miracle of God. This is why my heart screams "This time no!".

My current boyfriend was in many ways a saving grace, and a downfall. We think healing will be better if we aren't alone, and sometimes we pursue things to prevent us from returning to where we were. I'm still healing. I'm hesitant to put too much stock into him. We're very far away from one another, and I fear that like everyone else he too will go. Like boyfriend number 2, I'll come to love him so dearly that my tears and emotions will this time get the better of my sanity should he leave. I love, but I fear, therefore I cannot be fully loving. And my head told my heart, " Let love grow".

Love is not a feeling. Love is an action. Below is an old writing of mine:

First there is the most famous love passage in the Bible- 1st Corinthians. Not a bad place to start. Here we get what characteristics define unconditional love: patience, kindness, non-envious, non-boasting, lacking pride, not rude, not self-seeking, not easily angered, keeping no record of wrongs, delighting not in evil, rejoices in truth, protecting, trusting, hopeful, and persevering.
Notice it says nothing about ones self. This makes loving in the Chapter 13 way difficult. We are to not seek for our own gain, but the gain of those in which we love.
Not only must we allow time for another, we must always be kind, humble, and seek and give truth. We must not seek those we love harm, and once a commitment of love is made it is made to persevere. Something I am just now learning. Love is more than an emotion or an action.Love is more simply an undying choice that is practiced everyday for the benifit of another .

Sometimes people are hard to love. Often I notice this. But sometimes I wonder how hard it is to love myself. I am not what would be called normal by any means. I have a lot of emotional bagage. I have a lot of opinions and dreams. I am determined. I have been said to come off as full of myself, selfish, and inconsiderate. Though this comes from people who I don't see practicing anything different. Not that that matters. I think when we realize that we have no reason to be loved more than anyone else that we learn how to love others.
Often when I think of God's love I think of the story of Hosea. The story is symbolic. God loves us without ceasing, yet we break His heart everyday...thus we hurt Him. But in this Bible passage I love the redemption:

"Therefore I am now going to allure her;
I will lead her into the desert
and speak tenderly to her.
Hosea 2:14

I will betroth you to me forever;
I will betroth you in righteousness and justice,
in love and compassion.
I will betroth you in faithfulness
and you will acknowledge the LORD
Hosea 2:19-20

Now if you know anything about the book of Hosea it is the book where the prophet is told to marry the prostitute. Now how many would be willing to do that? Despite this fact God still wishes to woo our straying hearts. He wants us. To me that is powerful. Why can't I love in the same manner?

In the end I hope to get to the point to have the courage to seek to love like I have before. To love fully.