"Always the Bridesmaid, Never the Bride"

My baby sister, (remember I am just 22) recently got engaged and I get to be the maid of honor. It is not the first time I have been asked to be a maid of honor (I've never been asked to be a bridesmaid...hmm). The fact my sister is going to be getting married soon comes as no shock to me, but I cannot help but be disappointed. Don't get me wrong, I am stoked and happy for my sister, I'm just not happy about myself.

My history of relationships does not extend to a great number of people. As one guy said to me I am a "serial monogamist". I think that is an accurate description. I have long relationships. Perhaps I am willing to make anything work and work hard to make it do so, or I get boring over time. I'm not entirely sure why all my relationships cannot withstand lasting much past the "year" time frame.  Being analytical in nature, I have scoured all the possibilities and am still left empty handed and wondering.

Now you may be wondering about the title, since if you haven't caught on yet, I mostly use song lyrics (mostly, there are clear exceptions). However, today this is one of those exceptions. When I was in high school and ran cross country and track my father made it to several of my meets during the season. He was never fully satisfied with my races and thought that I should also be dissatisfied. He was generally encouraging, but his dissatisfaction had its reasoning. I never really won many races. More often than not I'd come in anywhere between 2nd to 4th. My father often would tell me: "Always the Bridesmaid, Never the Bride". Of course I never thought second was terrible.

Thinking back to the phrase I so often heard from my father directed only towards me (I have two younger siblings--one being the marrying sister, the other my already married brother who is a father now) I wonder if the phrase isn't true for other areas for my life. It is clear that right now in my life I am not a bridesmaid, but a maid of honor. There are countless things I excel at, and nothing I am the "Bride" of. It begs me to question if I am honestly a second-seeking missile.  Furthermore, I question if I hold myself back from being my best because I am terrified of being the Bride. This is very much a possibility.

When one attends a wedding there is one central character, one minor character, and a bunch of fill ins. The Bride runs the show, has all the eyes, and consumes the minds of those in the audience. Bridesmaids stand beside the bride, visible and beautiful but less stunning than the bride, and attract little to no attention except from guys looking for a target. (Guys looking for a target...hmm. I wonder why I said that. I'll have to ponder that rabbit trail later.) Perhaps that is why I enjoy taking the "maid of honor" approach to life, it allows me to receive the highest "award" with the most cover.

I have never been a person comfortable with the swarming attention of many people. I like to sit casually back and be the dependable one. I've never been comfortable being "the best". There is too much attention assigned to it. I never ran as fast as I probably could have--- I always felt strong finishing. In pursuing my BS (which I now have ^_^ ) I could have pulled off better grades-- but I didn't choose to. I never pursued my dreams to their full extent either. Perhaps I have found a major flaw in myself.

Could it be that I simply enjoy being the Bridesmaid, because I am too afraid of being the Bride? I think it is very possible. God. To think if I have done this well just being the Bridesmaid, imagine how dangerous I'd be as the Bride.

Now back to Bridesmaid stuff.