“One of the hardest things in life is having words in your heart that you can't utter.”--James Earl Jones

I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you. I love you not only for what you have made of yourself, but for what you are making of me. I love you for the part of me that you bring out.  --Roy Croft The greatest degree of inner tranquility comes from the development of love and compassion. The more we care for the happiness of others, the greater is our own sense of well-being. - Tenzin Gyatso, 14th Dalai Lamat Neither a lofty degree of intelligence nor imagination nor both together go to the making of genius. Love, love, love, that is the soul of genius. - Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart

Love makes mutes of those who habitually speak most fluently.

- Madeleine de Scudery

Numbers- Since Words Just Get In The Way

My dear you are to me as the finest numbers
You are as assuring and pure as any counting number
And as intriguing as any prime.
As exciting as the best perfect square, beautiful like forty-nine.

Rational and real as the best laid four
The joy you bring me has as many digits
As the square root of two-- endless
My happiness is unbounded as a diverging sequence.

My absolute value of all my negative thoughts
Calming as the value e, and as useful as pi,
My lovely you are a fractal
Mysterious and predictable.

Like zero unbiased, your wisdom is cherished
Constant as cosine, oscillating in time
You are the numerator to my success
The denominator to my stress.

I converge to my best as any perfectly good summation
When you are my counsel, placing my mind at rest
Like the number i, you are foundational
Yet just as complex.

Unique as one, and odd like three
Appealing as the Golden Ratio
You are my relief as any real number
The simplest fraction to my complex life

If God made people numbers
I don't know what value you'd be
For to me you are all,
Through plus and minus infinity.

"Stop all the clocks" I want to spend more time with you

I was introduced to this song several months ago. I bookmarked the video and several nights a week the last thing I hear is this song:

Why? It calms me. It calms me like the individual who sent it to me.

Thank you.

You are my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song
With you I feel that in this world, I belong

You are my compass in times of correction,
My map of wisdom and my sextant at sea,
My sunlight, my moonlight, my darkness, my light
I thought the past was trouble too,
But with you I lose all sight of plight

You're my morning tea, sweetened too
A fresh spring, a morning dew
My joy, my torment, my passionate fire
My lavender, my gentleman, my wolf
And for you I aspire.

The stars are all desired now: put out every one;
Release the moon and assemble the sun;
Fill up the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For everything now can never come to any wrong.

(Inspiration from W.H. Auden's "Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone")

"Something in the way he knows, all I have to do is think of him..."

"Take me home tonight, I don't want to let you go till you've seen the [sun]light"

I have gotten in a bad habit of late: buying plants when I'm feeling blue. I tell myself it is harmless....for I could be buying kittens!

The funny thing about the whole ordeal is how I am both selective in picking out a plant and incredibly spontaneous at the same time. I will see the plants, spot one I like and convince myself that it deserves a home where it can get "real" light basking in the stuff provided through my eastern balcony window. Luckily I only buy one at a time. I pick one, among many to be the object of my affections. The only way for the plant to escape my love is to die. Only one has so far. I think I'm doing pretty good. I try to talk nice to them. I think it helps and makes people believe I'm a little crazy.

In the attempt to spoil my plants I purchased a spray bottle to mist their little (and large) tropical leaves. For my birthday I think I'll spoil them with new pots (some of them need new pots) and fertilizer. How could they not love me?

The flowering stage of my daffodil's and crocus's are over. They will hopefully bloom again sometime. I might just have to be patient with their boring leaves for a while.

I considered buying myself cut flowers today, since it is Valentine's day and I have not received a lick of attention. However, to buy my own flowers seem desperate and I'd rather spend the 5-15 dollars to buy myself something that will be living for a while and that needs to be rescued from the world of florescent bulbs and to be praised for its beauty. I do love my plants a great deal. I don't know if that makes me crazy or not.

At the end of the day I shall go home, make myself a lovely dinner, speak sweetly to my plants and enjoy a great horror film. Sounds like a peacefully great night.

I hope your St. Valentine's Day is just as good if not better.

"You've been running and hiding much too long. You know it's just your foolish pride."

I have felt myself being coaxed into my shy little world again. I am drawing quiet.

My head is reeling with thoughts, plans, ideas and predictions. I wonder if I was too bold, too unorthodox. It is troubling and fills me with much anxiety.

The anxiety stems from within. I am filled with fear and excitement, disappointment and emotionalism. I cannot read people as well as I'd like. Maybe I made a move too quick?

Either way, there is yet another 36 hours of potential torment. I'd like to think he is considering my offer to go out and have a fun yet civilized time. Little speaking and all. Sounds perfect. However, I am far from naive enough to believe he is simply delaying due to deep consideration. It really isn't that complicated. Simply put, he could be searching for a way to weasel his way out of it with grace.

Tricky this one is.

He cannot avoid me indefinitely. Then again he can ignore me for that time frame. I shouldn't stress like this.

All this aside it is easy to stress out about this one single element in my life. He is a treasure to me, and heaven forbid he has the demeanor of a rabbit-- full of skiddishness.

What I do know is that I, yes me, would greatly enjoy his untypical company. I simply desire his uninterrupted presence. There is such peace in his one on one company. I greatly enjoy any little minute I am blessed to get. Crazy I say. Crazy.

I should stop before I break out in poetry.

This is how I feel today.

"I could write it better than you ever felt it"

Today marks the one year anniversary of my first blog post!

Be, be, be excited!

My life is at a different point than it was a year ago. I'd like to think for the better. There are still issues I have to struggle with from time to time, however things look bright. My original formatting of my blog was as dark and sad as I felt. Now it is a soft grey.

This time last year I was wrestling feeling of a past lover, and to a much lesser extent I still do, however this no longer results with me in tears. I was also dating a man I am no longer dating, and overall would consider myself pseudo seeing someone or even single. Crazy.

I have found in life there is very little we should worry about, and there is very little we can predict (though sometimes I feel like a fortune teller). I am pleased to be here. I am happy to not be worrying about the next "stage" of my life (that's this time next year :P ). I have begun to settle into what seems to be a rhythm.  I feel generally more mentally stabled both behind closed doors and in the open. There is still a lot left unsaid, but sometimes it is best kept that way.

I miss my undergraduate friends. Some have yet to graduate, others went off and got married, and yet others are working in what now seems a far distant land (aka my home state). I am slowly making friends here. I have people to enjoy.

This past year has also been filled with much discovery of myself. They [insert some obscure reference here] often say that one does not reach mental maturity until they are 25-30ish. It seems there is still some work cut out for me. I look forward to it.

I have felt extremely introverted since the start of the new year. Perhaps I feel that my peers would be happy to hear my silence. What I have to report is of little interest to them. I hope the real world isn't so dull.

My philosophy about life is that it is meant to be shared. Oh well. I guess this explains my greater desire to write. I must speak. I must share my thoughts, ideas, aspirations.....

Yet no one here really seems to give a damn. Oh the academic world...you are such a tragedy.

"1-2-3-4 Walking like a man, hitting like a hammer / she's a juvenile scam, never was a quitter / Tasty like a raindrop, she's got the look "

Today I officially welcome in the most terrible month of the year: February.

There are many reasons February is the worst month of the year:

•  Old Man Winter feels this month is his last hurrah! and as a result the weather is always misrable. The current storm is just one fine example of such. 
• The month has a weird number of days. Twenty-eight. No we couldn't give up a few one's from the 31 day months....
• The worst holiday of all time: St. Valentine's Day. Perhaps it is simply me being overly jaded. That or having past boyfriends who royally screwed it up.

Those really are my main reasons. That, and I am separated from March. So very close!

So what am I up to during this winter crisis of ice+snow+SNOWDAY!!!! ?

Due to the snow, I have had the time to get slightly ahead in my classes. With this I have had time to cook amazing creations. YUM! I made a mushroom custard of sorts last night. So.....very....GOOD! I need to exercise, but going outside is out of the question with the ice, and driving to the gym is also less likely because of the same.

My plants are enjoying the snow. The more white the ground, the more light they receive. They are of course in the warm comfort of my low humidity apartment.  Lots of light equates to happy plants who make me happy with their pretty foliage. ^_^

So with my textbooks several traffic lights away, what is a pretty girl suppose to do? My options include more cooking (which will likely happen here soon), painting eh? Maybe?, try to fold a koi out of paper?

I could always read. Thank you for the lovely read dearest friend. :) I still need to finish that.

If only I still had my ski pants.....