Friendship

It seems silly to always be posting my inner thoughts on a blog about my struggles with letting go and my struggles to learn to love yet again. My mind and my heart are much more than tied up in a man who's apathy towards me seemingly grows.

Tonight I think on friendship. In the past year waxing and waning have occurred where I've been left with forgotten friends and newly discovered ones. I realize that life changes and moves, we grow and unlike plants we don't always stay put. We will come across new friends and old friends sometimes disappear like dollars in the hands of youth.

Friends come in many forms. Some are "sheltering trees", some are steady perennials, and some are blooming annuals.

Annuals are beautiful flowers. What shocks me about annuals is this: People spend lots of money decorating their yard with them! I feel we sometimes do this with people. We will surround ourselves with people the world will see as successful, beautiful, or simply "charming". The truth of the matter is that annuals die at the end of the season. They cannot withstand harsh changes in climate. They fade away. They don't regrow. These friendships can bring us joy for a short time, but when the season is up, or things change they are left to be mulch for future friends.

Perennials are not quite as attractive, they tend to be less flashy and more hardy. I am a big fan of planting perennials. They bring joy for short bursts, but over the years they continue to bring you joy. However, perennials do hibernate during harsh conditions. You could say they are fair weather friends. They are always there when the it is time to enjoy life, but are gone during times when you might need them the most to brighten your day.

Then there are trees. It takes a lot to uproot a tree. Samuel Taylor Coleridge once said "Friendship is a sheltering tree." I think this is the way friendship was meant to be. Long lasting friends will not easily be uprooted. In the happy times they will sometimes flower to celebrate your joy, but in your darkest times they too mourn to the point of shedding leaves.I find that there are people whom I can trust to be there despite the season, and time and time again seem unmovable from my life. These people provide shade from the harmful things of the world. Sometimes we may wander in the sun and the sun (much like the world) will burn us but the large oak will still be there waiting for your return.

There will be many trees on my campus that I will miss. There are some plants that hardly deserve my passing glance. Then there flowers who as much joy as they bring, fade with the passing of the seasons.

I shall miss my trees.

Love

Love. We all want it and chase after it. There is something comforting in knowing that there is someone who cares for you, wants you and is quite crazy about you. To love with undying affection, purity, and properness is probably one of the most challenging things I've ever had the chance to try.

I spent several years trying to be with the man I loved, to find out I didn't love him in the end. I spent a year of my life attempting to love yet another man. Now I find myself having trouble loving the man I'm with, not because he is unlovable, but because I simply am protecting myself.

There are varying degrees to love a person. I love many to different degrees. The first man I "loved" was merely a trick of my youth. The second man I attempted to love, I did, and I have still yet to recover from it. The man I love now, poses new challenges.

There is a song I have been introduced to of late. This song is called Winter Winds by a group out of the UK called Mumford and Sons. Below is an excerpt from the song that I'd like to touch on.

Oh the warmth in your eyes swept me into your arms

Was it love or fear of the cold that led us through the night?

For every kiss your beauty trumped my doubt

And my head told my heart

"Let love grow"

But my heart told my head

"This time no

This time no"

I think after suffering such a devastating blow from the art of loving, my heart is rebelling such love. Makes me think what causes us to choose people to love.

My first serious boyfriend it was the "can't have" that fueled me. He was kind, nice, and I honestly had never experienced that. I eventually broke off an engagement because of a number of factors including: a sex addiction, spiritual difference, different interests, different ideals, and different areas of intelligence.

My second serious boyfriend was a result of being accepted and encouraged, and a lot of wooing. The beginning was filled with many fond memories. He was good with words. I decided to love him. I consciously tried to love him, and in the end found that I had succeeded in loving him beyond my most absurd imaginings. Sadly in the end, I was not accepted for who I was, felt that I was helpless in improving, and cheated of receiving the same in return. This man honestly broke me. How I managed to stay sane and together is a miracle of God. This is why my heart screams "This time no!".

My current boyfriend was in many ways a saving grace, and a downfall. We think healing will be better if we aren't alone, and sometimes we pursue things to prevent us from returning to where we were. I'm still healing. I'm hesitant to put too much stock into him. We're very far away from one another, and I fear that like everyone else he too will go. Like boyfriend number 2, I'll come to love him so dearly that my tears and emotions will this time get the better of my sanity should he leave. I love, but I fear, therefore I cannot be fully loving. And my head told my heart, " Let love grow".

Love is not a feeling. Love is an action. Below is an old writing of mine:

First there is the most famous love passage in the Bible- 1st Corinthians. Not a bad place to start. Here we get what characteristics define unconditional love: patience, kindness, non-envious, non-boasting, lacking pride, not rude, not self-seeking, not easily angered, keeping no record of wrongs, delighting not in evil, rejoices in truth, protecting, trusting, hopeful, and persevering.
Notice it says nothing about ones self. This makes loving in the Chapter 13 way difficult. We are to not seek for our own gain, but the gain of those in which we love.
Not only must we allow time for another, we must always be kind, humble, and seek and give truth. We must not seek those we love harm, and once a commitment of love is made it is made to persevere. Something I am just now learning. Love is more than an emotion or an action.Love is more simply an undying choice that is practiced everyday for the benifit of another .

Sometimes people are hard to love. Often I notice this. But sometimes I wonder how hard it is to love myself. I am not what would be called normal by any means. I have a lot of emotional bagage. I have a lot of opinions and dreams. I am determined. I have been said to come off as full of myself, selfish, and inconsiderate. Though this comes from people who I don't see practicing anything different. Not that that matters. I think when we realize that we have no reason to be loved more than anyone else that we learn how to love others.
Often when I think of God's love I think of the story of Hosea. The story is symbolic. God loves us without ceasing, yet we break His heart everyday...thus we hurt Him. But in this Bible passage I love the redemption:

"Therefore I am now going to allure her;
I will lead her into the desert
and speak tenderly to her.
Hosea 2:14

I will betroth you to me forever;
I will betroth you in righteousness and justice,
in love and compassion.
I will betroth you in faithfulness
and you will acknowledge the LORD
Hosea 2:19-20

Now if you know anything about the book of Hosea it is the book where the prophet is told to marry the prostitute. Now how many would be willing to do that? Despite this fact God still wishes to woo our straying hearts. He wants us. To me that is powerful. Why can't I love in the same manner?

In the end I hope to get to the point to have the courage to seek to love like I have before. To love fully.

March

So I've decided that March is by far one of the best months of the twelve.

1. My birthday is in March

2. March Madness- by far one of the most exciting sports moment of the year for me

3. It begins to warm up and makes one thirst for the summer

4. Track season :)

5. Saint Patrick's Day- perhaps I simply like how close my birthday falls to this holiday as well as green being one of my favorite colors

6. I get to see my boyfriend because of this thing called SPRING BREAK!

7. Spring officially starts

8. The wind stops being a bitter B****

9. The birds come back

However, March has it's bad moments like every other month...mostly the end of relationships.

Luckily this year I have one worth keeping around past my birthday. Looks like 22 may be a good age to come into.

So what are my plans for my birthday?

Laundry! I don't really make plans for things like birthdays for it seems pointless to have it celebrated after all this time. Besides one does have to pack to head off to Spring Break.

March could break my heart or make my year. Grad school is a real hassle to apply to. Already I have had schools lose the bits and pieces that go into an application. Norfolk State is probably the worst school I've applied to. They not only have lost everything practically, but they are also unwilling to admit that they have perhaps made a mistake and are quite unwilling to work with me to take care of the "error". The University of New Mexico has lost around the same amount of paperwork (transcripts and letters of recommendation) but thankfully they've been willing to admit the mistakes they've made and have worked well with me to make sure my application is made complete. I just hope all the extra work into getting this application put together works for my benefit. I have yet to get both accepted and receive funding. Hopefully March works for the better.

Other thoughts...I really need to get out and do things. I have told myself that being a student athlete has hindered me in doing what I really want to go out and do. These "things to do" vary from late night runs to Waffle House to going on weekend camping trips. I hope that in grad school I'm able to find people who will more than likely be life-long friends. I want to get out more, do more things, and frankly just have fun.

This March I turn 22. I am yet young but in the next year I anticipate becoming an aunt to my year younger brother's child, being a maid of honor while attending my first wedding, and possibly a lot of plane rides. I don't even know what I desire for my birthday-- a first.

I'm excited to see my boyfriend. It has been roughly 4 months since I could smell him, hug him, and stare at him knowing that if I wanted I could run my hands over his cute little round face. We've been dating almost 8 months and I start to wonder when do couples start thinking about marriage? I'm not in a hurry, and I don't know if I want to marry this guy. People say that a marriage takes love, however I disagree. Marriages fail every year for lack of communication, general unhappiness, and in short a lack of commitment to struggle through difficult times. It is hard to know if you want to spend every day of the rest of your life with someone, especially when you wish every day that you could be near them because you never see them. Perhaps this is what worries me-- being apart for so long we don't know how to "live" with each other in our daily lives. I don't want to go to a grad school simply because it is near my current boyfriends grad school...especially if the relationship slips into a mild complacency and impending doom like all the others have.

Anyway March has many things up it's sleeves this year. Hopefully it will be a March to smile upon.