"I'm like your victim and all that you need is an alibi..."

Today I found myself a nasty cocktail of emotions swimming in the toxicity of the hormonal Red Nile. I am frustrated with my body's inability to get along with my birth control to make an already terrible experience better. Top this with the exhaustion of treading in the sea of debt and the continuous stream of self doubt. My thesis haunts my evenings. I cannot determine which part of my thesis is the most aggravating: all the road blocks to finishing my thesis or the fact my thesis is negatively affecting my classwork.

I want to search for jobs but I fear I will end up in a mental hospital (I can't afford) before I come close to finishing my thesis and accept a job offer. I keep wondering if I am just inept, or my project truly sucks. Between an ex boyfriend and my thesis I fear my confidence is rather wreaked.

Most cocktails contain alcohol. Generally, I'd say that people in my life act like alcohol... a way to make life a little better and bearable. I'm grasping for straws and coming up empty; my cocktail is a virgin. My parents are of little use. I've grown accustomed to their assistance to not be worth the trouble and harassment and talking about my problems with them only seem to intensify my hatred of their piss poor parenting. The last thing I need is their little lectures and their mask of artificial concern. I dare not put more stress on my baby sister... she also has her own set of stresses and my brother is in his own walk in life that is far removed from my current situation.

I wish I had been able to have as actively involved friends as I had in my undergrad. Yet, most of those friends I have found decided to skip this "grad school" stop and have moved onto other stops that I cannot even begin to relate to. It is an alienating feeling to watch everyone around you marry and being to bear offspring. My peers and friends here are several degrees more removed than the friends I am accustomed to having, but I suppose this is part of "growing up".

My companion has his moments, but generates his own form of emotional chaos and stress in my life. Just yesterday I sacrificed a whole afternoon and evening towards homework to assisting in the repair of his transportation. I was met with continuous negativity (rightly so as the maintenance on this car is absurd). Any attempt to draw some positivism in his life was shot down. I just kept thinking "Well, I'm here and I thought I was making things a little better." I have begun to wonder if I am merely a necessary pawn caught in emotional servitude and if my eventual departure will mean any more than a loss of my services. I am willing to bend over backwards to make his life a little brighter, but I feel my efforts continuously go unnoticed. I get angry at myself wondering if I have merely been a fool all along. I feel next time I'm in a sour mood and he insults my driving I'll ask him to get out of the car and walk to his destination. To think, I actually cry at the thought of moving away from him.... in ways it is absurd and laughable.

I know (with growing doubt) that these things too will pass. I try to look to the future as a bright beacon of hope only to have the lighthouse shadowed with growing depression and eventual loneliness. For now I just I find myself awake and frustrated in the wee hours of the next morning.