"He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing" ~Zephaniah 3:17b

You know what I want at this point in my life?

I want to have someone to sleep next to.

While there are many perks to living by oneself, there are also many disadvantages.

One evening in the not so distant past I went to a Meijer's (think a better version of wal-mart). Going as late as I did there aren't many people there compared to the after-work crowd, and the people shopping seem so much more relaxed.

Commonly I look at what is on sale when I shop, and I came across a woman while I was looking at yogurts. I of course, being the chatty individual I am started a conversation. I had lamented how stores rarely cater to the single person household. She was there shopping for a family of 5. I remember envying her. While food went so fast in her home, I could barely eat everything I bought in an ample amount of time.

Everyday I go to bed alone, I eat alone, a watch movies alone. Sometimes I enjoy these moments to myself where only the gentle rantings of my upstairs neighbor or cars pulling into the parking lot bother me.

But in all honesty-- I think I am ready. I am ready to settle down-- not this instant, but within a few years. At 22 the last thing that should be on my mind I suppose is settling down. My younger brother (who is a year younger than me) is married and has a baby boy, and my sister-- well she is also younger and the time is tocking away til she marries her high school sweetheart. I feel cheated.

I beg to question "what about me?" I worry that I will live my life in a string of 1 year relationships and that in the end I will be left alone in my adventure through life, that I will continue to go to bed with my teddy-bear, and that I will fix meals for myself.

I deeply desire to be a wife, and a mother. I'm just not sure yet--- I'm not certain it is what I am meant to do. I honestly get angry with God over this. I suppose my anger arises from watching those around me pair up, and from the frustration of so many promising relationships fall to shambles. Yet, oddly each man has impacted my life in positive ways. I just hope that God is shaping my stubborn heart for a really great man.

"Sugar is sweeter, but liquor is quicker!"

As I have finally no reason to explicitly avoid alcohol, I now drink roughly once a week.

There are a few problems with my current drinking habits.
#1. I don't like beer. This results in me drinking wine or high alcohol percent mixed drinks.
#2. I drink quickly. I drink anything quick- water, juice, alcohol. This has major drawbacks. I become loopy quickly.
#3. I am still terrible at knowing when to stop. I therefore must be watched.
#4. I enjoy what I am drinking. Therefore I drink more of it.

I've decided that my drinking habits will need to change. I am a very happy and even more eccentric drunk.

Now I know that "drinking" if often frowned upon by the church. I really believe this is not for the act of drinking itself, but moreso for the negative actions that can result from drinking. Drinking often leads to undesirable consequences -- like having to have someone else drive you home.

But there are a few things I like about being drunk. One main one: I have to be dependent. Second,  I am a much happier person. I have found my mood is overall improved even when I'm not drinking.

Either way, I still manage to make a terrible Baptist--

"Seasons come and go, fade until tomorrow"

Let's be frank, being single is not ideal -- at least to me.

I recently had a discussion with a friend who was perplexed by the idea that I must have a companion. He stated that I should need no one but the Lord. I disagree. 

In the first chapter of the Bible, God makes Adam. Adam is well and all, but God decides that man should not be alone--- thus he creates a "companion" for Adam. Eve was more than a sexual partner for Adam. She fulfilled a deeper need-- companionship. She was someone whom he could have conversations with, someone to share the work, someone to pass the time. If God saw the importance for Adam to have Eve, should he not also see the poorness of a man's soul who is very much alone as something to be avoided?

Now whether or not you are a "God-fearing" believer or not, I think it is clear that we are not meant to live our lives in inward confinement. We naturally form pairings and groups. We naturally seek to be surrounded by people. This is not so say that as individuals we cannot enjoy time to ourselves, but for overall wellbeing and a good state of mental health I am a firm believer that interacting with people is vital. 

One case I can give is my need to be touched. By this I mean over a certain period of time there is a minimum I must be engaged in hugs, handshakes, pats on the back, or a tender touch. The lack of such interaction leaves me depressed and moody. Sometimes it gets to the point that I'll touch people. This of course can be a social inconvenience.

As I have been in my new home for a month now, and I being that I am recently single I look forward to gaining a companion-- Romance or not. 

"One For Each Hour You Didn't Show"

When I was a child, I always looked forward to music class. I wasn't particularly a talented singer or musician but we always did something I enjoyed. It was a chance to get caught in the "art".

On this lazy Saturday afternoon, I remembered one of my favorite activities in music class when I was oh so small. The activity was simple. The music teacher would have us all sit such that we were comfortable. After we were done readying ourselves one of two things would happen. One, she would hand out paper and pencils to us all, or two-- she would have us sit silently with our eyes closed. After this she would give us instructions to listen to the music and visualize. The experience was almost religious in nature, for my young impressionable self.

This afternoon, resting with my eyes covered by my pillows and my ears open I put on classical, then Hem. Instinctively, I re-lived a pleasant part of my childhood. I began to think upon why I always enjoyed that simple exercise. Peace. Doing the activity was like reading a book with every sense but your sight. It was relaxing and in many respects a release from the stresses, ugliness, and sweet sorrow that came with my life. I was able to escape into the melodies of the music.

Granted there were other things I enjoyed about music class-- hand bells, singing "Lean on Me" and playing the tambourine off-beat-off-rhythm. I still enjoy doing these things... I enjoy singing loudly sometimes, and attempting to play my ukulele.

Overall, my desire for depressing music is fueled by this same concept.... the peace. The peace that I am not alone in my struggles, my sorrows, and desires to be loved.



Those who read my blog should really check out Hem if you haven't yet!

All Things Come to an End

Tonight, I was let go. In many ways I cannot blame him.

Long distance relationships are difficult. It is hard to keep one going.

I always have a sinking feeling when relationships are close to an end. This one was no different.

Back to homework.

"I wanna walk with you on a cloudy day"

One of the worst things about breaking up with G was knowing I couldn't call him at any hour to come hold me and remind me everything was going to be okay. It was knowing that from then on I'd have to cry alone.

I miss closeness.

I hate time zones apart.

I miss tender kisses.

I hate empty phone calls.

I enjoy Sunday night dinners out.

I hate eating so many meals alone.

I miss singing loudly in the car with someone else.

I hate singing alone.

I miss who I was with you.

I hate who I am now.

"I love you, not for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you."

-Roy Croft

Distance makes the (magnetic field's influence weaker) heart grow fonder

Confession: I dislike beautiful women who are smart and have things in common with anyone I'm dating.

My reasoning: I feel inferior to other women in all honesty. Growing up I was called ugly, and I sat there and watched all the pretty girls snag all the guys I liked away. They take my crushes, they take my friends.

Furthermore, I'd consider myself a little uptight, a little dull. Other women just seem more----exciting.

I know I am not some superior specimen, and therefore I need reminded of my place in your life. How you feel about me. I don't want to be cut from the loop.

I suppose this is why I hate long distance relationships. I cannot give women I don't know the benefit of doubt. I don't know them.

I am a very jealous girlfriend. Everything in my life has slowly or swiftly been taken from me. I am possessive of the things I have---for if I'm not, I'm afraid someone will come along and snatch it away.

I feel so juvenile. 

"When I found him whom my soul loveth: I held him, and would not let him go"

"I opened to my beloved; But my beloved had withdrawn himself; he was gone: My soul went forth when he spoke. I sought him, but I found him not; I called him, but he gave me no answer." ~Song of Solomon 5:6


I used to call my ex "Beloved" because I loved him in a way that was "Biblical". I loved him as she loved Solomon. 


I found this passage fitting. 


Sometimes, with his demands for me to have a closer walk with God, I think he failed to see how integrated I was. He failed to see the faith in 80 handwritten letters. I like to think I failed to communicate my feelings. I like to think that I had not made my faith a parade for him to see actively. 


I can wish to think a certain way, but that does not change the truth. It was not a failure on my part. I opened the door, I sought him, and I called. He failed simply failed to try, failed to see, and most of all failed to listen. 


I am happy to now have a boyfriend who notices and listens, someone to be there when I open the door, when I call, and when I seek him-- he can be found.


My question tonight is:


Are we not called to seek God with all our hearts, souls, minds, and body's? Should we also have this zealousness for seeking our future spouses? 


All in all, I cannot see myself marrying someone with whom damages our soul through neglect. Perhaps this is why I am no longer with my ex. Perhaps this is why we really are best apart. 


I want to share my soul with a man I can trust to be there when I knock, when I call and when I seek him-- I should be able to find him.


I think I am a step in the right direction. 

"I keep you warm and won't ask you where you've been"

Today was a good day.

The weather was on the cusp of fall-- cool yet warm. I ran, and as awful as it was, I am happy to be able to.

I am thankful for friends, and thankful for a boyfriend who cares for me.

Today was a great day.

‎"Is this all we get, to be absolute? Quiet but I'm sure, there is something here. Tell me everything, 'cause I want to hear."

I sometimes enjoy letting my unwanted thoughts scurry around hitting the china cabinet and letting the dishes crash to the floor, breaking into a bountiful display of mixed emotions. This recklessness with my thoughts brings me the joy of poisoned honey. The reassurance that I am not shallow, that there is something here. It is blissful to watch the china fall, retarded by the scale of time within my mind. I watch capturing every moment of the trajectory because after I have observed the myriad emotions, memories, and thoughts diffracted by the trigger of the event, I like to carefully sweep up the pieces, grab my glue and set to work.

My memories are precious to me. However, I am not a perfect craftsman. The dishes break. Even at my best I cannot recreate the dishes perfectly. Occasionally, the dishes become more impressive in their beauty that I dramatize to enhance the next "letting loose the bulls". I like beautiful things. I do not always improve the beautiful aspects of my dishes. It is best to leave some as ugly as they ever were-- or to remove some of the beauty left in them.

What is the point?

I thought of death today. How much easier is it to endure a death than a heartbreak?

I am not sure I know the answer, simply because I have not experienced death tremendously close to myself. Most people I have known who have died I am mostly left with a collection of beautiful memories. These dishes improve over time.

A heartbreak?  They are best sometimes left on the floor, swept up, and thrown out. This leaves one problem.-- I am a pack-rat. Even with my memories. I want to cherish the beautiful things those I dated did for me. I don't want to let go of how it felt to be loved by someone I shared so much of my life with. I do not want to remember them badly. Even so, it is important to keep the bad memories. It is important to remember when you first realized you were never truly loved.

In some cases, the bad memories gain strength only to subside after the happy ones are gone.

My heart has been broken many times over.

• My birth parents-- whom betrayed me for their selfish desires,
• Myself-- for breaking a heart, which I cut swiftly and as cleanly as possible
• My Beloved--whom in his doubt and indecisiveness nearly snuffed out my desires for anything and accidentally stole my heart 
• My adoptive parents--whom never quite got the hang of loving me for who I was
• My friends-- those whom in life have slowly walked away for newer things
• and Again Myself-- for allowing myself to be so seized with the fear.... that I forgot how to dance

I am sure there are many more.

Yet, among the heartbreaks I am the one who keeps coming back to watch the ceramic delicately fly. I am the one who treasures the sound of crashing emotions, thoughts, and memories. I am the one who painstakingly reassembles each piece to restore it to how I want it. I try to remember the best about each one and the worst.

When it comes to people I try to remember that they are flawed, and that I am too. I grab for both who they were and who I wanted them to be. Sometimes I create false memories just to relish. They don't shine quite as well though and don't reassemble quite right.

Perhaps next time, I shall saturate the colors, re-master the sound, and alter the fragrances til they are just to my liking.





I really hope I am not out of my mind.

"I don't regret any days I spent, nights we shared, or letters that I sent"

It is late. Very late.

Today has been an odd day. It is the time of the month where I am most vulnerable to these kind of things-- emotional stress. Driving into school today I couldn't help but think of him. Every song on the radio I had to change. I couldn't escape G from my thoughts. Eventually frustrations with finding a parking space cured me of the memories. Usually my mental self medication works.

Tonight again as I attempt to sleep, I fail to forget him. I fail to see the bad, and I cry. I cry  because roughly 18 months ago the process of ripping myself apart and reassembly started. My diary from the time we dated would hint at how intertwined I placed myself. How I loved him with the depths of my crooked heart, and how feverishly I asked God for the ability to love him as He, God, loved him. My faith deepened. My walk with God was at a peak as I was encouraged in my pursuit of spiritual improvement and my desires to have a relationship with the proper focus. I ingrained myself into the very being of this man.

I cry now. I cry because though I have tried to remove this infection of love for a man which does not love me, nor cares enough to speak to me, with no success.  I have been somewhat successful in removing my liking of him in many regards-- but it is hard to unfeel. It is hard to forget the sweetness of his ways, the smoothness of his voice and touch, and the peace that enveloped me in his presence. It is difficult to overcome the ways I had trained myself to love him. I was too successful. Some healing has come, slowly. It has been a rough time. I have adjusted to a new boyfriend (which I've had for over a year now!) whom I never see...and which often seems cold and distant...for we are often too busy and too far away. It is hard to give up on the boyfriend when he has yet to be given a fully chance. I do love him, but I do not feel as if my spirit is in harmony with his, that my soul longs for his. Thus my healing is incomplete.

To forget G is harder for me than it is for the reverse. I live each day with the knowledge that he won't be around. That he doesn't want to be the father of my children, with the questions of his sincerity, and with the doubting of God's devotion to my well-being. I feel jaded. I am lacking kisses on the forehead, long enduring hugs of peace, and the comfort of Tide. In many ways my soul and heart long for him. My mind luckily is the supreme power that has told me that G is the enemy and missing his presence in my life is fruitless, pathetic and wrong. My mind tells me to love the boyfriend, S. Grow to love S moreso than G. I don't know that I am up for the task. With S I do not long to be my best. I do not actively seek out a connection of mind, body and spirit. I suppose the underlying factor here is the knowledge that such may very well lead to disaster. I'm certain that putting in all my cards again would likely lead to an ugly death by my own hands. At least for now.

I wanted a strong sense of family. I wanted to be apart of someone else's family. I wanted to be a great daughter-in-law. I wanted to be a great wife, an amazing mother, and a godly woman. I wanted a husband whom I was fully integrated with and whom wanted the same. I wanted to be one.

No matter the amount of tears I cry, I know that they are fruitless. Perhaps God is counting. Perhaps on Judgement Day, when they read the synopsis of my life for all to know-- people will know, more importantly G will know, how dedicated I was to one day being the wife he needed. For now I must forget this nonsense. I must walk on. I must remember that the loss of  a part of my soul is not to have a loss in the hope of one day being happily married to a man who will be more than happy to call me his wife.

Hopefully I can sleep here soon and these thoughts won't trouble me for a while.