"I don't regret any days I spent, nights we shared, or letters that I sent"

It is late. Very late.

Today has been an odd day. It is the time of the month where I am most vulnerable to these kind of things-- emotional stress. Driving into school today I couldn't help but think of him. Every song on the radio I had to change. I couldn't escape G from my thoughts. Eventually frustrations with finding a parking space cured me of the memories. Usually my mental self medication works.

Tonight again as I attempt to sleep, I fail to forget him. I fail to see the bad, and I cry. I cry  because roughly 18 months ago the process of ripping myself apart and reassembly started. My diary from the time we dated would hint at how intertwined I placed myself. How I loved him with the depths of my crooked heart, and how feverishly I asked God for the ability to love him as He, God, loved him. My faith deepened. My walk with God was at a peak as I was encouraged in my pursuit of spiritual improvement and my desires to have a relationship with the proper focus. I ingrained myself into the very being of this man.

I cry now. I cry because though I have tried to remove this infection of love for a man which does not love me, nor cares enough to speak to me, with no success.  I have been somewhat successful in removing my liking of him in many regards-- but it is hard to unfeel. It is hard to forget the sweetness of his ways, the smoothness of his voice and touch, and the peace that enveloped me in his presence. It is difficult to overcome the ways I had trained myself to love him. I was too successful. Some healing has come, slowly. It has been a rough time. I have adjusted to a new boyfriend (which I've had for over a year now!) whom I never see...and which often seems cold and distant...for we are often too busy and too far away. It is hard to give up on the boyfriend when he has yet to be given a fully chance. I do love him, but I do not feel as if my spirit is in harmony with his, that my soul longs for his. Thus my healing is incomplete.

To forget G is harder for me than it is for the reverse. I live each day with the knowledge that he won't be around. That he doesn't want to be the father of my children, with the questions of his sincerity, and with the doubting of God's devotion to my well-being. I feel jaded. I am lacking kisses on the forehead, long enduring hugs of peace, and the comfort of Tide. In many ways my soul and heart long for him. My mind luckily is the supreme power that has told me that G is the enemy and missing his presence in my life is fruitless, pathetic and wrong. My mind tells me to love the boyfriend, S. Grow to love S moreso than G. I don't know that I am up for the task. With S I do not long to be my best. I do not actively seek out a connection of mind, body and spirit. I suppose the underlying factor here is the knowledge that such may very well lead to disaster. I'm certain that putting in all my cards again would likely lead to an ugly death by my own hands. At least for now.

I wanted a strong sense of family. I wanted to be apart of someone else's family. I wanted to be a great daughter-in-law. I wanted to be a great wife, an amazing mother, and a godly woman. I wanted a husband whom I was fully integrated with and whom wanted the same. I wanted to be one.

No matter the amount of tears I cry, I know that they are fruitless. Perhaps God is counting. Perhaps on Judgement Day, when they read the synopsis of my life for all to know-- people will know, more importantly G will know, how dedicated I was to one day being the wife he needed. For now I must forget this nonsense. I must walk on. I must remember that the loss of  a part of my soul is not to have a loss in the hope of one day being happily married to a man who will be more than happy to call me his wife.

Hopefully I can sleep here soon and these thoughts won't trouble me for a while.