A Melancholic Blue: "And I don't see how you could ever be anything but mine"

I find myself often hit with sadness. It really waxes and wanes in my life. This likely is my biggest source of anxiety.

First, something sets me off. Tonight, a song by The Fray titled: Look After you.
Second, the memories flood-- the happiness, the loss of relationships/friendships/etc
Thirdly, I find myself resting in the rut.

I suppose now that I think of it, I likely do a lot of meditating. I analyze the past from every angel a thousand times.

The Fray always reminds me of G, which is likely the sorest spot of my inner world. He brings me a great deal of pain. He brings me a great deal of sorrow, and speaking to him is rather bittersweet. I love him but I try to forget. For him my heart expresses every known emotion I can think of. I have been working on releasing myself from his grasp that he is very unaware of in his actual being. I pity him sometimes.

It brings me some sorrow and comfort to know that he only had a brief relationship after myself, and since has been wandering lost in the world without the invisible hand of woman. It brings me sorrow because I know that if we had stuck it out....

It brings me sadness because I opened up my whole self to him, a task that is terribly difficult to me. He was my Beloved (See Song of Songs). Never have I allowed myself to be so vulnerable and be seen without all my walls in place.

It is sad that we knew each other so well, and deep down are still very familiar with each other. Here is a man, that if we could have put our difference behind us, we would have been marrying. Chemists. *sigh*

So I sit after a long, boring day where I tried very hard to study....listening to The Fray and contemplating crying.

But crying is useless as I am out of Kleenexes and for almost 2 years left without a man I want to hold me, calm me, and remind me it is all alright as I do so. I am without the ability to let my guard down. It is terribly exhausting.

"And I'm short on words, knowing what's occurred"


I know I shouldn't be sad at his loss. But I am. I'm sad because since I have struggled. I've struggled to even attempt it again.

And now sits before me a new man, whom I love, without his knowledge. Yet, my guard is still up. There is no time to fall apart when/if I am disposed of as I frequently am.

G used to compare me to an unknown caramel brand. Secondhand butterscotch that no one seemed to want. However, once consumed one realized how great it was, often better than the Milkmaid ones.

As his graduation comes close, I intend to get him a small gift to get him on his feet in the bright big world. Likely a tie. I'm going to ship him a beautiful tie. And inside I will be proud of him, and terribly disappointed.

I hope he never marries. I don't mean it in spite but as in my own little sanctuary. The knowledge might be my little death, should I not find my own happiness. The thought of him, even today, with another woman sickens me physically.

"I don't see how you could ever be, anything but mine."

I frequently wonder how he feels. After the break up and a new boyfriend he pushed me away, pushed me away as if he never wanted to look back. He performed a perfect heartbreak. I still remember the car ride where he told me that he had decided he didn't want me in the rest of his life, while I choked back tears and kept my composure for at the time I wanted him in the rest of my life. After I got out of the car, I lost it. I vehemently wept, and didn't get much sleep that night. I remember his little acts of innocence and concern afterwards. I still don't know how I managed to not kill myself--- likely the excellent track season I had. Ah Track! Thou art my rescuer from life! I cried, wept even, every night without him there to comfort me. I wondered everyday up to graduation what he was doing. I've continuously tried to figure out what I did so very wrong. It is hard to think I could ever truly be so loving and vulnerable again without understanding my big flaw, my big mistake.

Ever since I've been insecure in dating and relationships. I am terrified of doing something wrong or intentionally do everything wrong.

It is difficult for to blame anyone but myself. It is a result of repeatedly being discarded and let go and misunderstood.

First, there was my father (more correctly my birth father) whom I loved as any great daddy's girl would. He lied and used me. I was never really loved. Let's also add the family that declared me a liar in court when they would have whooped my ass for lying in the first place. How could I not be honest? How do you think it felt to come to the realization that I was simply a pawn in my sick father's world? How could they so easily abandon me for that monster? I was simply disposable, worthless, and abandoned.

Then came many similar events in my life, with the paramount of being disposable: G.

I now live trying to remind myself that so many people believe I am of worth, that I am not just a piece of trash to be tossed aside...however over time I even feel the growing distance between these people. I try very hard to not think of this. It upsets me. As the continents drift on their subtle plate-tectonics of life....I am left as Antarctica-- a distant island that no one wishes to claim...

Overall I have been good at being in a good mood lately. School has been better, my finances aren't terrible, I am surrounded by good music, tasty food....

Sometimes I want to let go. I want to live far far away in a remote area, where if I am really wanted or desired those who seek me would trek to find me. I want to disappear into Nirvana.

Sometimes I wish I could live as G does, without strong emotions. Perhaps at times that would be most preferred. For now I sit hiding as many as I can.

"Why oh why must it be this way? Before you can read me you got to learn how to see me, I said free your mind and the rest will follow"

Since I was a child I recognized I was not in the norm. I spent most of my adolescence fighting my natural inclinations. My greatest desires were to be normal and to be accepted. This naturally never happened.

I have always felt a bit masculine. As a child I greatly enjoyed math, the sciences, and had a temper. As I got older I grew mostly out of the temper, but continued to enjoy "boy" things. Growing up I'd rather tear apart my brother's TurboMan than host a tea party with my dolls. This inclination towards masculine labeled interests and activities increased as I grew older. One example stands out in my mind:

I once went to visit a young man's parents I was dating at the time. At one point in the evening I had the choice between looking at family photos from a recent vacation or looking over the blue prints of a large home his brother was involved in the construction of. The obvious norm would have pushed me to join his mother and sister to look at the photos. I thought of this, but after a short though I decided to go with the blueprints. I could care less about the family photos, I wanted to see the blueprints!

This masculine tendency is sometimes harmful in social situations. In the above case, the mother never took a liking to me. Sometimes I wonder if this incident had a direct impact of losing her favor. I am expected to be sweet, docile and emotionally in tune with others. I am apparently expected to have an unmeasurable amount of hand lotions...

It has been challenging to adopt my overlying femininity. Somethings came naturally to me. I love flowers and plants (I really like the symbolism behind them--which likely goes back to my masculinity), I like to dress up and look nice for a date,  and kisses are bliss. However, on the other side there are just some things about being female I find it hard to get a hold of. Often I find I have extreme anxiety around women, and am quite freaked out by their woman chatter. I generally find I have a very difficult time relating to other women, or that I have trouble maintaining interest in what they are saying. I am not swept away with emotion, charm, and good looks.

I believe the point I wish to make is this: I hate sociology. I really do.

However, I know I'm in the minority. My "type" of overly rational makes up less than 40% of women and of my specific type? 1%.

I do not know how to compromise between who I am, and what as a woman I am expected to be. I have made strides over the years (you should see the amount of eyeshadow I own). Are these strides enough to prevent me from sticking out like a weed among roses? No.

Perhaps one day people will stop scrutinizing me under the microscope of gender stereotypes.

"What I've got's full stock of thoughts and dreams that scatter"

Today begins the second week of a new semester.

Today I am happy. My homework is done 27 hours before it is due. I am caught up in my reading, and I'm listening to 70's and 80's music. Oh, this is the life! :-P

Reflecting today I realize I am already off to a good start (aside from research). I am being my good old self. It is about time.

I feel I should have something deep and philosophical to give my few readers something to grapple with.

I have finally come up with what type of volunteer work I wish to engage in: visiting the elderly. This seems like the most logical decision for me, as I enjoy speaking and listening to the elderly, and many of them are often forgotten in nursing homes and retirement communities. The trick now is finding a suitable place and person to visit. I am excited for this opportunity and I am going to try to get started in the coming week. There is an elderly person waiting for me, I just know it. There is so many crazy stories to hear, so many memories to gain. I almost feel like I'm going into Lois Lowry's "The Giver" mode.

In other news, I have begun a 70's and big band phase in my musical listening. Oh the joys of jive! Interested? Check this pandora station out:

http://www.pandora.com/land/station/7bc1a03b43a85d48f2d5a169350ba42cfb0c2cad41b899d3?referrer=passoutlap3

Hopefully that link works!

For now I am back to playing with lasers!

"I don't wanna fall in love, no no. Love cuts just like a knife."

Jane Child was a crazy looking white woman.

I quote her tonight. I think she has a point.

"Let me tell it to you one more time, boy..."

"Falling in love" is one of the riskiest things one can do. It requires us let our guard down, become more vulnerably and to actively open ourselves to another person who may end up hurting us in the end.

"I knew I didn't want nobody else, you're scaring me to death"

The problem lies in the fact I've been here before, on the verge of jumping in. I've jumped before. It was the best experience of my life. It was, however, also the worst experience of my life. The risks of dating someone whom I really like are troublesome. I've suddenly found myself with a lack of confidence, social anxiety, and significantly more quiet and becoming shyer by the moment.

"Ain't no personal thing boy, but you have got to stay away far, far away from my heart, my heart"

I find myself frequently struggling with my emotions, especially when there is logic behind their choices. It is difficult to express the passions that wells within me. My passions are generally overwhelming. I continue to bottle them and fervently search for releases (hence my writing, which is still vague but helps).

It is far easier to distance myself from people. It is far easier to deal with loneliness than severe disappointment. It is easier to dance crazily in my living room without being judged. It is far easier to sing without being critiqued on when I miss a note. It is far easier to be single then to be told after a year that all this time I was not good enough, too far away, or not your type.

This doesn't mean I am not interested in relationships. I've just become even more selective as I am tossed aside. I don't want to be the picked, I want to do the picking. Maybe then they'll stick around. Maybe.

Perhaps I'm just a crazy, robot with high demands and poor taste in men. :-P

Perhaps I'm the one that is poor taste. I've tried to make myself an appealing match. I'm pretty enough, I can cook, I am generous, perhaps a little cold at times but I am fully capable of loyalty. I am still capable of being a good parent and loving spouse.

I'm smart, pretty and one day wealthy. (haha) I guess I'm just not what good men want.

"You have started sinking in"

"Let me tell it to you one more time boy: 'I don't wanna fall in love, no no. Love cuts just like a knife.'"

For now I'll just work on being of higher value. Maybe then I won't so easily be tossed aside.

"Now let me at the truth which will refresh my broken mind "

Emotions. I hate having to wrestle them.

They do not like to stay in their box.

"Sleep, sweetie, let your floods come rushing in and carry you over to a new morning "

It is pi time. I start this at 3:14, writing to ease my steam-train mind.

I leave at 8 am for the prospect of being surrounded by trees, rock formations and caves. This means in about 4 hours I am suppose to be waking up. Dreadful really.

I have been trying to sleep for over an hour. I've been having this problem a lot lately. I won't be able to fall asleep until 3 or even as late as 5 am and then sleep til noon or two...

I've attempted to get my schedule back. I have had little to no luck. I have tried mellow music, I have tried reading before bed, I have begun to wonder what is wrong and if I should start taking melatonin. I may go out and get some when I return from my trip.

The frustrating part is that I cannot sleep. I try and try. Furthermore, I end up waking up late, lacking the full rest in which I desire. I'm never really tired. That is, unless I am up til 7, 8, or 9 am because I can't sleep.

Tomorrow I want to enjoy my trip. I want to sleep so that I can enjoy my trip. I have such a distaste for the city around me. I need air, mountains, trees and lots of little birds. I haven't heard a cricket in ages, but I hear car doors slam every night. My room is never pitch black, but remains faintly glowing as a result of the light right outside my bedroom window.

Perhaps I am bored and since I don't overuse my mind or body while on break, my inner self sees no reason to sleep. Perhaps it is the birth control that regulates my cycle that is keeping me awake, which is a very real possibility. I really wish I knew.

I generally am able to control my mental processes at night, but recently this has been impossible. I think about everything I should be doing: reviewing research papers, reading a former student's thesis, painting, working on my big mobile project, reading my text books, budgeting my money...and the list goes on. Let us not even include men into the picture.

Hopefully I sleep soon. Getting up will be a major pain in the morning.

"I ain't got a dime, but what I got is mine. I ain't rich, but Lord I'm free."

Tonight, I went out with a group of people, and again the subject of personality types was brought up. I find the topic very delectable. The very idea of placing an individual into one of 16 boxes is appealing. How much easier would it be to interact with such knowledge! In reading about myself (INTJ) I am shocked on how accurate it describes how I feel about myself and others. In fact, it even makes sense of how people react to me. I am a rarity in personalities. This brings me a great amount of joy, but also I realize that often this may create a hindrance in my personal life.  

I greatly desire to look into this. I wish to fully understand myself and others so that I can interact more smoothly. We all know how helpful it would be for myself to learn to polish things a little bit. 

In the little digging I have done, I have come to realize why I struggle in finding a "mate". I have such an idealized view of things, and reality is rarely ideal. Hmm. Ugg.

"Cause I’m not easy to understand but you know me like the back of your hand"

I have no idea what to structure my typing on tonight, I merely wish to write.

Perhaps I shall talk about myself.

I have recently decided I would like to volunteer somewhere. I am not entirely sure where or exactly what I'd like to do. Perhaps the elderly? Maybe the homeless? Environmental?

Speaking of the environment, I have a friend that is an avid recycler. It has started to bother me that I do not even try to recycle--- though I do keep many usable containers. Glass is my weakness. I really really hate throwing out glass, though I know plastics account for a large percentage of waste. Furthermore, paper waste is easily recycled as well. Perhaps I shall begin to recycle glass. Maybe I'll feel more inclined for the rest later.

I have been thinking of things I'd like to do before I die. I made a list several years ago which included both realistic and unrealistic ideas.

My current "list" would include the following:

Hike the entire Appalachian trail
Climb a mountain, perhaps even a technical climb
See the ocean
Touch every continent.
Learn a foreign language or more
Spend a year in another country.
Marry a fine man
Attend a rock concert
Go into outer space
Win a race
Be able to identify birds and trees
Host a masquerade
Be a charming great wife
Maintain a long term garden
Cook with my own vegetables and herbs
Start an heirloom garden
Do some serious geo-cashing
Foster teens.
Learn to upholster and make furniture
Explore alternative energy
Be a dashingly great cook
Maintain my health
Do something about the conditions in Africa
Instill change in the education system of the United States
Hunt a turkey
Visit France and St. Petersburg
Fall in love
Improve my vocabulary
Fold 1000 paper cranes
Visit historical places across the world
Have a true Belgian Waffle in Belgium
Relearn my geography
Dance barefoot with someone I love under the dark starry night sky
Visit Cedarpoint and ride all the coasters
Sail on the ocean
Catch a Salmon
Enjoy the silent night's of living in the middle of nowhere
Avoid living a life that would result in a great horror film
Inspire someone
Be familiar with many different religious texts
Live a week in the life of the Amish
Sleep several nights in a row in a tent
Visit Antarctica
Raise ethically sound children
Take more pictures


I am sure there are more. I will likely thing of more later when it isn't so late.

"I'd stop the world and melt with you"

"Ever heard of chaos theory, Ed? It's a science, tries to determine underlying patterns in chaotic systems like weather, ocean currents, blood flow sort of things. But it turns out that are few things more chaotic than the beat of a human heart. Its beating up, slowing down. Pretty face, flirty stares. It's always changing on what's happening to ourselves out there. It's an erratic son of a bitch. But underneath all of that bump-da-bump mess, there is in fact a pattern, the truth, and it's love. Most important thing about love is that we choose to give it, and we choose to receive it. Making it the least random act in the entire universe. It transcends blood, it transcends betrayal and all the dirt and makes us human. "
~Chaos Theory, character: Frank Allen


There is a dear friend in my life, and I have come to realize why he is so appealing. 


He is not perfect. In fact he is quite imperfect. I can think and list many seemingly negative qualities he possesses. I see them in their full glory. I have run through the disapproval algorithms of prediction. I have sifted through them, considering the full sense of their potential impact. I have wondered if these ingrained traits could be changed, and I have wondered if it is even important in the grand scheme of things. 


Furthermore, if I am ying, he is yang. We differ substantially, and in many ways complete opposites. 


He is nothing special. There is nothing that makes him stand out, except perhaps that he is everything away from mainstream. He differs in a quiet manner. Nothing flashy, no sparkle, no shine. 


I often feel getting to know him requires the patience that one would put towards waiting for a caterpillar to become a butterfly. 


He is full of sage, mystery, and ambiguity. He is predictable. 


Yet I want him patiently. I long for him in the way I do for the trees, the mountains, and the sight of little wrens. 


When I broke my engagement off many years ago, I sought to put in the time and devotion to a young man and avoid the pitfalls of my engagement. I saw potential in him. He was terribly imperfect. I made a conscious effort to love him as unconditionally as possible. I succeeded and to this day I still love him dearly. In the end I was dismissed as not being good enough. Since I have wondered if I could ever make this choice again. 


I believe I can. I am willing. I am more than willing. I am more willing with every fault I uncover and every dream. I am willing to be patient with his faults, I am willing to be kind, I am willing put his happiness above mine. I am willing to accept him for who he is, who he will become and regardless if he changes or not. I am willing to love him unconditionally. I never thought I'd say that again. 

"If equal affection cannot be,

Let the more loving one be me."

~W. H. Auden


I ask for nothing. 

"Only on paper has humanity yet achieved glory, beauty, truth, knowledge, virtue, and abiding love." ~George Bernard Shaw

There is so much truth in this quote.

I deeply enjoy folding paper. I have a great respect for beautiful paper. I likely enjoy origami as much as I enjoy books.

Cranes, cats, boats, elephants....

There is something soothing in the precise folds, something calming in the feel of the paper, and something magical in creating something gorgeous out of something so plain.

If man was indeed created out of dirt, I'd like to think we are as beautiful as the things I form out of paper.

However, occasionally I fold poorly. I hope God doesn't do the same.

"And as you move on, remember me, remember us and all we used to be"

I worry about my life. 

I want to know where I'll be in 10 years. I want to know that all the education I'm receiving isn't in vain. 

Sometimes I sit around and realize how futile my life is. I have no husband or children. I am not incredibly social. 

I fear where I am in my life. 

It concerns me I could easily go missing several days without notice.

It frightens me deeply. 

I worry few would attend my funeral.

I often wonder who'd I leave all my belongings to should I die. I swear sometimes I think like I'm 60+. 

I lack tangible motivation. It worries me. I have no one to make proud, I have no one to provide for. It is just me, just me....

I have no one to celebrate readily when things go right.

I have no one to weep with when things go badly.

I know I shouldn't be so concerned. It is dreadful, and is frequently on my mind irregardless. I don't know how people live alone for so long. 

I'd like to think that having friends would solve the issue, and while this might be true it isn't the easiest thing for me to do. I am weary of people, and most of the time I come off insulting. 

About a week ago I read up on my personality type. I am an INTJ or an INFJ, both which are the rarest of personality types. Furthermore INTJ is the rarest among women. Perhaps this is my trouble?

It is hard to live in a world that is so far from my ideal. It is difficult for me to relate to women, a fact that is becoming an increasing problem as I get older and being friends with the opposite gender is increasingly challenging. 

I wonder often what my future holds, and as hard as I try I cannot predict it. I cannot state where I'll be in 5 years. It is impossible to know. 

I don't know how I feel tonight. I don't know what to feel. I'm searching for my life in a dark room full of black cats. I'm bored. Very bored with my current life. Things are suppose to be more harmonious and balanced and make sense. Life is beautiful, but unyielding to my future. 

*sigh*