"Fool in the Rain"

As the new year approaches, I cannot help but process the past year. I have changed, grown, and lie in a small sea of hope and confusion. The construction of this post in and of itself leaves me scrambling to determine the best way to capture the blizzard of though in my beautiful mind. I've only Led Zeppelin to focus my thoughts with.

I recently finished a non-fiction novel by Erik Larson titled, "In the Garden of the Beast". The novel was alarming in many ways. First, the perception of Jews by both Germany, the American people and much of the western world was not as I expected. Growing up in the Midwest I have little "experience" with the Jewish culture. Secondly, the sheer lewdness of one of the central characters alarmed me. I have grown up thinking as a culture we are becoming more and more devious... but it now appears that over the course of history this deviousness has always existed. We today are just finding it harder to sweep under the rug to be found another day. 

We grow up believing (brainwashed or not) that there exists one soul out there for which we should fall in love, marry and have a bazillion glorious babies. The last part is a clear exaggeration, whereas the first half has been challenged by the same novel. The lewd character, Martha Dodd, suggested she had multiple loves of her life. This naturally caused a lot of heartache among her lovers. I began to think upon my own life of "the loves of my life". I have only opened up my full soul to one man and loved him so dearly that his blatant  departure from my life was not-so-secretly agonizing. I still love him, but I also greatly dislike him. 

Then there is the current companion in my life. He has been a steadfast companion for just over a year now. The whole thing amounts to one of the strangest relationships of my life. There is a sense of constant hesitation, but a sweet underlying and unspoken comprehension. His extreme introvertism makes him an exceptional humdrum individual. Yet his mystique makes the little company he allots me insatiable. He has never caused me to be filled with the giddiness and butterflies of young love. He instead ignites the existing passions within myself, as if he knows the keys of my primary motivators. I ache for the things I love, and he merely intensifies this internal desire. In many ways he is so unnecessary in my life but incredibly significant. He is a primary clog within my internal clockwork. He in no way completes my soul, he is merely my complement. I love him, not with the drunkenness of romance and courting, but soberly. To love him not only is sound, but logical. He has challenged my duplicity of thought and action. I have grown to think and calculate more. I assess what I really want and move to not just speak but act.

The question to the next year will be if I ever confess my unflattering love and if this great awakening is to last past this temporal arena of here and now. I know I'd be more than pleased with his lasting presence. His lack of emotional expression makes me uneasy at times, but everyday I see small embers of devotion and love. Whether they exist or not is still untold.

Then there is the vast uncertainty of my financial stability. I reside in a bunker of debt with the floods of interest rates rising. It is only a matter of time before the "impending doom" no longer simply lingers but actively threatens my financial security. December has already proved to be a bad month for my checking account. I worry about being jobless, I stress about the crawling economic situation and I wonder how the coming elections will ultimately "screw me over". 

Jobs. The idea is terrifying. The rigidness of the 9-5 both appeals and frightens me. The scheduleness will focus my attention and resources. I will ultimately feel more balanced at the cost of my existent free spirit. I fear the days of staying home with a migraine or severe depression oversleeps won't cut it. I loath the thought of being clueless as to my duties or having little to nothing to occupy my work hours. I already feel the anxiety of the "what if's". 

There also exists the inner turmoil I feel with my family. At times it seems my relationship with my parents gets better. Other times the insignificant interest within my family towards me seems all too apparent. I am no longer a favored favorite. I am in ways the grey sheep. Accepted but somewhat dismissed.

People change over time. My recently married sister is not much different. Our relationship is always changing, for the better? I'm not sure. It isn't getting any worse. I know she misses me, and I do her, but the immediacy of our future togetherness is not a deep pang signalling me to go here and now.

Shortly, I will get to meet part of my extended family, aka my brother's new family. A full assessment has yet to be conducted by my overly cautious self.  I am not as naive as I once was. My brother too, I'm sure has changed. I am curious to see in what manner that five years time has done.

Family. Ah family. How terrible, yet how enduring connection of good will last.

Lastly, I have a host of friends in the past year who have gone off and married. A select few have decided to extend their families in the most natural of methods through offspring. I find myself in a daze. Perhaps this is the part of my life that remains the most confusing. With marriages, I must grow to "like" people my friends cleave themselves with. Luckily, I have yet to have a friend marry someone I hate. (Praise God!) However, marriages tend to cause good friends to drift slightly. The closeness fades, but the worth remains with some. The choking reality is the decreasing availability of human resources, while the desire for sharing and closeness remains, the opportunities die off. The old topics subside in conversation and new ones emerge, ones I am less able to understand and relate to. These things are merely a cause of concern as I have yet to figure out where my NEW place lies within these established relationships.

The new year will bring with it answers, questions, and more growth. While I am uneasy and hesitant, I trust in the end everything will be a-okay. I can merely hang on for the ride.

 I like the title. Over the past year I have gained a growing appreciation for Led Zeppelin. To go full circle it is a good thing Mr. F dumped me. He would never of approved of my love of the lengthy full-of-unnecessary-guitar-solos that is the Led Zeppelin.

For those who read my blog regularly, I wish you the best new year. In case the Mayan people are in the least bit correct, make the coming year one of your best. 

Cheers. 

  

"It’s the way I’m feeling I just can’t deny, but I've gotta let it go"

Two-thousand-and-eleven will mark my second non-family Christmas celebration. 

I'm the only one of my siblings that won't be home for Christmas. The ticket prices for a plane ride were ridiculous for Christmas time and I am not made of cash. Only after I bought my tickets to visit my brother later in the coming new year, did my parents offer to help me pay with tickets to come see them over Christmas (along with the rest of the family). After refusing to change my destination and time of my flight, my parents have been rather cold with me. It isn't my fault I make a fifth to a quarter of the salary they make and made the best financial decision for my situation. Got to love credit cards. 

I'd go see my lovely sister for Christmas, however, considering how long it has been since I've seen my brother.... 

I really wanted to start my own holiday traditions this year. I told my dad this and he laughed at me, as if being single/unmarried made me unqualified to start my own traditions. Everyone knows dad that you doubt I'll marry (You were kind enough to announce it at my baby sister's wedding and you are lucky I still talk to you), but this  doesn't mean I cannot start a small tradition of my own.

I put up my tree within the first week of December thinking fondly of my sister as I decorated it with the ornaments she made and sent me last year and ornaments I bought last year to make my tree super cute. When I was younger our family always rearranged the furniture in the living room and put up and decorated the tree together. When I switched families, my mother did the whole thing herself and I grew to miss a tradition from my childhood (despite my birth parents being "sickos"). I mailed out a bazillion Christmas cards and have received a fair share of my own.

Currently, I've been wondering what I want in a "Christmas Holiday Traditional Dinner".  I thought of going to a Christmas Eve service, as I've always loved going, I find myself without someone willing to go with me. It always feels so awkward going to church alone. I will likely at a minimum read the Christmas story from the Bible.

At a minimum, I hope my family will humor me and at least allow me to skype with them over the holiday. 

With everyone leaving town to visit family, I cannot help but feel a touch of depression. In some ways, I'm glad I won't be visiting my parents over Christmas. Being stuck in a house with the politics of 3 married couples would only make me feel more alone and isolated. I'm the odd man out. In truth I envy my siblings. I all but begged my anti-social friend who isn't leaving town for Christmas to come have Christmas dinner with me.

Christmas should be a time I rejoice at the birth of my Saviour Jesus Christ, instead I'm crying as if it were Easter.

I really need a cat.

The International Conundrum

Attending grad school at a larger institution without the Super Jesus subculture has proved to be interesting. There are a great deal more minorities and far more international students than I have been accustomed to in my past. 

This semester my lab group recruited an international student to work with us as we needed an extra member as our current trio fell short of the 4-group-member requirement. I suppose it could be said he sought us. Last semester many of us started off on the lab trilogy, where our newest team member had not. Many of the groups were pre-established, and thus finding a group I'm sure proved challenging. We accepted him as our fourth member and assumed that all would be well given his ethnicity. The Chinese always seem to work hard and get excellent grades.

After each completed lab we are expected as a group to compile a lab report. It is customary to break apart the tasks so that no one person is overwhelmed with the amount of work required. We figured with the addition of another member this burden would be even lighter. Tasks were assigned-- our Chinese member receiving the task of writing up the theory used in the laboratory experiment. It quickly became apparent that he had plagerized the entire theory section from various sources. Naturally, we the trio of Americans (myself included) were greatly angered by this. To us this was not only lazy but unethical. The work had to be re-written by one of our team members. 

We addressed the issue the week after the realization. It was explained that this act of copying paragraphs of material without citing one's sources or using quotation marks was wrong. After this we assumed the problem would be resolved and started the next laboratory assignment. 

Within a week of this incident, there was to be a seminar about the very topic of plagiarism. Sadly, our team member did not attend. We discussed many scenarios, one which lingered on my mind. There was a case of a man who had earned his PhD later for the background and theory section of his dissertation to be cited for plagiarism.  The thing that struck me odd is that the man was from a foreign country (in this case not China) and did not feel he had done anything wrong in copying over 10 pages of another student's published thesis in his own dissertation. He had provided the source in his bibliography. 

As we began compiling the second experiment's lab report I discovered that again (though this time less obvious) our team member had plagiarized several sections of the theory in bulk form. Again, I felt anger. I had not spent hours working on my section to be handed something that was simply copied from sources and yet again the section had to be rewritten. I expressed how upset I was in an email reminding all my lab members that plagiarism was unacceptable. I had never come across this problem before in my entire academic career. I'm sure my fellow lab member was penalized more heavily for the wrong answer.

Our beloved fourth lab member spoke with another one of my lab members this past week while I was home sick with a migraine. He felt terrible as he had tried to produce his section in "his own words". I have since realized that our team member had trouble understanding this concept in the same manner as we Americans do. My entire academic career was spent on threats of flunking classes, losing scholarships, and gaining shame if I even thought of producing plagiarized work as my own. Websites like turnitin.com were used to insure my adherence to the practice of producing original but correct answers. 

I have come to realize that the American way, while protecting intellectual property, is not practiced by all the world. My team member simply did not realize he was doing something wrong. He had the correct answer, and an answer that was well published and well written. English is his second language, thus having to produce several pages on a technical topic becomes cumbersome. 

The moral of the story is the solution is not as simple as we might have hoped. Morals and professional ethics is not practiced the same across the world. In some countries having the right answer (regardless of the source) may far better than having the wrong answer in one's own words. The collective knowledge of people moves from individual credit to the realm of anonymous and public property. There is no reason to reinvent the wheel. What is yours (and correct) is mine. 

However, the American way of professional ethics demands the acknowledgement of an individual. There is no collectivism. What is yours is not mine. I must be creative. The need to master not only the idea but the English language is vital in relaying an idea just as majestically as the individual I am referencing. To use his idea exactly is stealing, no matter how perfectly poetic his idea is cast. I am required to reinvent the wheel. 

Our team member needs help in fully grasping this idea. This transition is not easy and our help will ensure the process is speedier. He needs help in executing it after he has understood. This week we have assigned him to data processing and this time I know he will do an excellent job. 

"I could rest my head just knowin' that you were mine all mine"

Job Fairs remind me of the idea of Reconnaissance.

Almost everyone dresses the same. Each employer attempts to lure potential employees with freebies, and each potential employee attempts to find a career that seems fitting.

I've never found career fairs particularly helpful. While they give a general idea of what a company offers, rarely is there someone in your field in that company to talk to. One merely hopes to gain enough information through a less than stellar source for the information one seeks to get a general idea if the company is right for them.

While I did find the career fair to a point interesting and informative, I am still left with a large array of choices, and far too many questions. Where do I want to live? What exactly do I wish to do on a daily basis? What is the minimum I'm willing to get paid? Do I want to be available to be relocated every year?

These questions are overwhelming enough, but then the most terrifying idea arises:
I don't want to stay in Ohio, and this would mean moving away from a person I deeply care about. Again, I'm leaving someone behind and the idea brings me a great deal of anxiety.

As the time frame to start applying for jobs looms nearer everyday, I have put the thought out of my mind, postponed it so to speak. However, the career fair reminds me that this part of my life must be brought forth and dealt with. My feelings must not only be hashed out but expressed.

I never felt comfortable with my feelings, as I have always had reason to avoid attachment usually involved with them. By accepting my feelings, I'd be defenestrating logic and sound reasoning. The problem has become that my feelings match my logic....and I am paralyzed with doubts, sadness, and insecurity. I do not know how to say "I love you" readily without fear, I do not know how to state "I want you in my future" without sounding embarrassed, and the worst part is I do not know how I will deal with the worst case scenario of  "I don't want the same". I am entombed, disoriented, and lacking courage. 

"So if you want to love me
Then darlin' don't refrain
Or I'll just end up walkin'
In the cold November rain"

Let's just hope I manage to speak up soon.

"How do you take your coffee my sweet?"

I'm crazy about a Kansas man. Not going to deny it.

Recently, the topic of attractiveness came up. I admitted I found him moderately attractive but not hot. He had trouble distinguishing the difference. To be honest it was difficult for me to try to explain. After thinking about it off and on over the course of the day (as it seemed I had hurt his ego some) the explanation came to me. Brad Pitt is hot, implying I find him a great deal physically appealing. Whereas a young Clint Eastwood is moderately attractive or as would be a more apt descriptor he is simply handsome. Brad is a man to potentially swoon over, and Clint is a man one would simply fall in love with. 

What M fails to understand is that my attractiveness towards him is beyond that of his appearance. This is not to say his appearance is poor for this is far from the truth. He dresses modestly and in such a way that perfectly reflects his general demeanor, he is a Clint Eastwood. I found him attractive within the first weeks of meeting him. His hair is dark, his skin is a lovely  olive-esque tone, and his eyes are a warm rich mahogany. His hands hold strength. His legs are the work of the running gods. He is built just right, as that of Poseidon. Lean and mean. Much of this is due to his own self-discipline, which I have grown to appreciate more and more.

However, the more time I spend with him and the more I get to know him, the more attractive he becomes. He maintains a good character, he is wonderfully manly (which is an incredibly sexy trait), sound in judgement,  maintains his own affairs well (referring to household, finances and general public image), exceptionally intelligent, immensely patient, maintains several hobbies, and his humor I greatly enjoy. 

 He is a handsome man through and through. 

At the end of the day I'd rather watch him run on the treadmill than Brad Pitt any day. 

"The essence of mathematics is not to make simple things complicated, but to make complicated things simple." ~S. Gudder

I've never understood why people hate math. It is far more challenging for me to grasp how people do anything without it. The thought of a society incapable of mathematical calculating abilities and simple algebraic thought is as alarming as illiteracy. The elegance and simplicity are astounding. No one seems to frown upon reading a simple paragraph, but people cringe over the thought of solving the equation (x+ 2)/3 = 10. 


As a child I was fed mathematical worksheets. What strikes many people odd about the math worksheets is the enjoyment I derived from them. Math delighted me. In first and second grade, whenever our class misbehaved, our teacher would begin to write math problems on the boards as "punishment". Luckily, I was a well behaved child in school, as this punishment never caused me fear but greatly excited me. In third grade we learned to multiply. I relished the fact that I would receive a free jolly rancher for doing something I greatly enjoyed. I had my cake and ate it too. The only thing that makes me uneasy about math these days is the branch of geometry. This has always proved challenging to me. 


If we look at the history of mathematical progress, much of it was done as a hobby. The disgust with mathematical courses in schools today will not point us to a happy future. Regardless of your position in society I firmly believe a strong grasp on simple algebra and a decent reading level is necessary to be a successful member of society. In my experience with potential elementary school teachers who deem the knowledge of algebra to be unnecessary (as they will be teaching "pre-school" but certified to teach up to fifth grade), I fear for our future as a country. 


Math is a lifelong friend. No one can steal his devotion away from my life. When I need to know how much to tip my waitress, he is there. When I am paying my bills, he is there. When I want to know how efficient my car is, he is by my side. He is always at my disposal, and I still cannot fathom how anyone would run away from it.
  

Farewell to Lipton, Oh hai Chocolate Puerh!

For years I have slowly been creeping into the whole tea ordeal. The more I dive in the more I cannot get enough. There are days I go without tea, and while they are generally alright, the best days start with tea.

When I got to college I learned to love iced tea. I have yet to turn back yet. Iced tea must always be cold and unsweetened for me. For some time I explored adding sugar to my iced tea, but the two never hit it off with me. Twinings English Afternoon Tea is likely the best iced tea I've had the pleasure to enjoy. It complements Merlot wine quite nicely when a wine break is a must. Occasionally I use Ahmad's Strawberry Black Tea for iced tea, with less then stellar results. Sugar may help.

It would take a foreign boyfriend to turn me onto hot tea. The Ukrainian introduced me to Ahmad's No. 1. While he prepared most of his tea from whole leaves in a beautifully painted kettle, he started me off with bagged tea to try on my own. Shortly after I turned to fruit infused black teas, and still enjoy a cup of a decent Raspberry Black Tea. The next step was discovering chai tea <3 . Chai, will likely always remain one of my favorites, though Earl Grey will remain in my heart still. I have recently come across Zhena's Gypsy Tea Firelight Chai Organic Tea, which has quickly become one of my new favorites. Over the course of my expeditions for a perfect cup of tea, I have dabbled in red teas, which I have found to be quite to my liking (I may even like them more than black teas! The horror! ), but there is more dabbling to do. However, red teas are harder to find. :-( Within the past year I met yet another advanced tea drinker, MG who has tried to introduce me sneakily to green tea. There is still a long road to explore the greens and decide if I like them. Lastly, I have yet to explore many herbal teas outside peppermint (usually mixed with a green such as Yogi's Green Tea Mint Garden ) and the worst tea I have ever sipped in my short wonderful life: anything Celestial. Super Ick!

 

Learning to prepare my tea has been a challenge of its own. I have gradually learned that stopping the kettle before the kettle whistles produces the best tea. Another lesson was reducing the steeping time of my tea bags for tea that was less bitter and tastier. Furthermore, I almost always prefer my hot tea with sugar. After having tea served to me with milk, I have begun small experiments to perfect this technique as well. Each little lesson I have learned has only increased my thirst for better tea, and soon I feel I'll be a tea snob. Ha!

In my little journey, my next endeavor will be the pursuit of obtaining a beautiful tea kettle infuser. I feel prepared to take the next step-- moving from bags to loose leaf. It is indeed a large step! The world of tea is complex and large (or at least larger than you strictly coffee drinkers realize).

MG made me the most perfect cup of  Twinings Irish Breakfast Tea I have ever sipped several days ago. I loved him for it.

Hopefully one day I shall perfect this craft.

"Love means to commit oneself without guarantee, to give oneself completely in the hope that our love will produce love in the loved person. Love is an act of faith, and whoever is of little faith is also of little love."~ Erich Fromm

I believe Eric Frome was onto something. Love is chance.

I hope soon it shall work in my favor.

"When the rich wage war, it's the poor who die." ~Jean-Paul Sartre

I am ashamed to live in a country where so many cheer and celebrate the death of a man. Despite the man's crimes, celebration is never in order for murder.

This general attitude disturbs and frightens me.

"You could be second runner-up Miss Ohio"

I had to go in early this morning, due to some last minute edits of our lab reports. It was purely business and we all chatted about various things. One of my peers brought up the Royal Wedding and how she wanted to see the brides dress. Naturally I made a bitter comment of sorts-- as I hadn't seen the Wedding.

Quite frankly, I missed this "glorious event" for several reasons. The largest reason? I simply didn't care, thus I didn't look up times to watch it. The Prince getting married is the least of my concerns. I'd hate to have everyone in the world watching my wedding, personally. 

As I escaped the oppressive clutches of our overly anal professor for the semester, the comment was made that I should be okay with myself before I can expect anyone to also do so.

The truth of the matter is, while I like myself and the qualities I posses, others don't. This often leaves me baffled and depressed as I feel I have a lot to give to people and a lot I wish to give to people. I have yet to figure it out. Perhaps I fail to take initiative? I don't want to seem overly needy. I must admit, people make me nervous, they always have. Things would be better if they actually spoke their minds from time to time...

Overall I'd say I have a certain level of intelligence, I am attractive enough, and though I like a fair amount of time to myself I do enjoy good company. (Perhaps that is it.... only certain people are good company.) The worst thing I find about social situations is often I find myself out of the loop. I don't pick up on modern references to celebrities, singers, events etc. While this inadequacy is bothersome, the idea of wasting my time remembering such things fails to appeal to me. My dislike of "in" things may stem from this discomfort of not being in with the times. I hate the expectations of what is cool. Prime example: The Beetles. I'm not going to deny their place in musical history, I just never found their music appealing. This is quite the crime in many social circles as the Beetles have the set "great music" status. (They are okay...but I'd rather listen to something else most of the time.)

Maybe I just have an overwhelming desire to be individualistic, but I also long for companionship. These conflicting goals have given me a great deal of grief as I try to make friends with people. Making friends--- what a necessary and challenging task! 

I'm cool in my little world.

One of the qualities I like best about myself is the ability to see potential in things. (Under my depressing shell I have a great deal of optimism.) Today as I was gathering my garbage I realized the stems I had cut off the end of the daisies I bought several weeks ago were dry and would be perfect to act as braces for my beautifully growing bean plants. I am resourceful. I don't think like other people (which sometimes is a pain in the ass when I wish to explain something--it's like translating languages where all the words in your language don't exist in theirs). This enables me to see things from a different angle, often resulting in odd suggestions. 

Current things bringing me joy:

• My bean plants and their new, quite gorgeous leaves (such elegant shapes!) I've actually thought of growing them through the winters as well as I find the plant to be quite pleasing to my eye.
• My Hypoestes who have spent a year with me now. (Now with larger and more vibrant leaves!)
• The threat of slightly warmer weather. 
• Weird Al's song "Whatever You Like" <----- check it out!
• MG's awesome mustache. I hope he never gets rid of it. Though he's still cool in my book without it.
• Upcoming Cinco de Mayo
• Finals being over by Wednesday (I could scream for joy off of roof tops about this)
• Avoiding my credit cards like the plague (can I make it to the 10th? Unlikely, since I'll need toilet paper)
• Sunshine! (God knows I love rain, but a break in it is super nice)
• My sister's future husband potentially landing a job
• The level of cuteness that my nephew at such a young age has obtained. 
• The quirkiness that is the musician James Blunt
• Hearing from my Tulsa girlfriend 
• Getting to see an old friend and his wife soon
• The guitar playing of my dearest wolf

(That might be enough for now) 

Have a kickin' weekend.

The Twitter Bug

I recently (very recently) signed up for a Twitter account such that I could potentially win some Roy Orbison paraphernalia.

I must admit, I've never understood the whole Twitter thing. It makes no sense to me. However, I have decided to use it as an outlet for my random thoughts I have throughout the day. These thoughts are along the lines of interesting from my point of view and gives people the idea I have some sort of ADD or ADHD. This seems like a decent idea for many reasons.

1. Only people who want to know random (likely uninteresting) thoughts will actually be bothered by my random thoughts.
2. I will appear less talkative with a new outlet. Whoohoo!

The funny thing is that people think I'm talkative... bahaha! I enjoy a great deal of no speaking. I cannot help if you are the first person I meet that day....

I will try to use my blog to tackle greater thoughts than I would expect one to find in my "tweets". Til then cross your fingers I win the Roy O. goods!

" Started out all alone, and the sun went down..."

This is very much my favorite of the Heartbreakers variety. 

Since I've graduated high school I have felt that in a way "I'm learning to fly". 

I haven't a clue what exactly I wish to address with this. I guess in a way I'm still learning. 

I am trying to remain hopeful. There is much happiness in the world. 

"More than this Baby, I hate days like this"

Being at it has been a long while (or so it seems) since I last wrote, I decided as I wait for edits to a monster of a lab report to at least write some (as if I haven't had more than enough time to do so with the lab report).

Lately the semester has picked up. I am overall frustrated and tired with the semester. I think that holds true for many of my peers as well. This week alone I've scheduled a midterm, a computer project due, a lab report due, a homework set due and a presentation to put together. I won't even touch my research until the last thing is done this week. Sadly, once it is all done, there is yet more to do. I look forward to a week of academic freedom. Sometimes I want to quit and go categorize beetles. Beetles like the ones in the movie the Mummy. Ah Beetles....such beautiful bugs.

Outside of school I am still attempting to win over a rather confusing gentleman. Furthermore, I have developed more friends in the area. It is encouraging. I enjoyed a nice walk with a few the other night. It was nice to have such a beautiful night, and I enjoyed it barefoot and in shorts. Again it is cold and I feared for my more tropical climate plants and had to bring them in again.

I had a nightmare within the past week. When I am really stressed out I commonly have dreams of smoking, despite the fact I have never smoked in my life. In my nightmare I could not find my cigarettes, and as a result I woke up even more stressed and increasingly frustrated.

I am looking forward to my sister's wedding soon, however I am also fairly stressed about it as I will be missing a week or more of class along with the long commute and taking my break between spring and summer classes in a high stress, wedding planning setting. Thankfully this will only happen once and perhaps in the middle of the summer I can take a short trip to the mountains and breathe in the fresh air in the quietness of nowhere. I have been longing to drive to the state park I went to when it was much colder over winter break, however I've been far to busy and gas prices have been much too high.

This month I am trying very hard to avoid using my credit card. I already turned down going bowling. I am sure there will be many more sacrifices to come.

I have been stuck in a few books of late. I am about a third the way through Flatland, have read two to three chapters of The Fountainhead, and have touched Frankenstein. I have to admit, reading Flatland has frequently left me offended as the author is from a different time period and has a different view of women. It is interesting how he describes the women in the book to be of even a lower class than the lowest class and terribly dangerous. It is hard for me to believe his views of women were held across the entire culture of his time. Then again....teaching a woman in the Victorian era seemed to be rather frowned upon beyond a certain level of education. The other books I have not divulged far enough into to give any clear opinion of the authors projected views.

Lastly, I should sleep. In four hours I must arise, shower, and begin again. There is much to do, much to do.

"You belong among the wildflowers. You belong in a boat out at sea..."

There was a man all alone; 
   he had neither son nor brother. 
There was no end to his toil, 
   yet his eyes were not content with his wealth. 
“For whom am I toiling,” he asked, 
   “and why am I depriving myself of enjoyment?” 
This too is meaningless— 
   a miserable business!

--Ecclesiastes 4:8

In the bible, the first thing that God recognizes as "not good" is for man to be alone. If God was enough for Adam, why did he make Eve?

I worry that my life will be filled with this "not good" of loneliness. I worry so much that it is me. I'm crazy, abrasive, annoying, and apparently far too talkative.  Lately I have been spending a great deal of time alone. At the same time I have tried desperately to remain as quiet as possible at school. I know they get tired of me talking, but as much as I just want someone to listen to me and tell me all my worries are okay, I continue to deny myself this. They don't care nor do they wish to hear about it. 

This past winter I had a friend that would occasionally come and watch a television show with me. I enjoyed their company, but I haven't seen them in weeks. It has been ages since my female friend and I have just "hung out". 

When I was at SBU I always knew that if I needed someone to talk to or just sit with me that I would find someone who would do so. Right now I'm hundreds of miles from anyone who'd drop what they were doing to spend an hour or two with me. I really miss that. 

When I was growing up I always had my siblings to keep me company. When I was blue my sister was always there to comfort me. My brother was always there to chat with. They grow older and are starting families of their own, thus have less time. I miss talking to my brother after work before we'd go in the house. I miss going to the movies with my sister.

I guess part of getting older is realizing that while the companionship is still needed, the opportunities grow slimmer. 

"Her smile is more precious than the sparkle of pearls"

I'm sad.

I'm certain my life is a continuous battle against depression.

"I play it off but I'm dreamin of you I'll keep my cool but I'm feigning "

A friend of mine, who in the past month or two had a break-up came to a great realization this past weekend. He realized that the girl he was involved with could not be the sole source of his happiness and it was unfair to expect her to be so.

As I experience March free of boyfriends (though there is one I wish I had.... but we won't go into that) I realize that without one, I have grown to remember the many things that have brought me happiness. Happiness that isn't tied to any individual.

For example in my depression of sorts I bought far too many plants. I can say I do dearly love my plants. I have taken great care to nurture them to grow their very best.

Another example: In speaking to a female friend of mine I remember stating how relaxing folding paper was and how much I enjoyed it. I finally ordered myself some basic paper to fold with.

I have come to realize that what I am going to grad school for excites me, intrigues me and challenges me but it is not my heart. My heart desires art, nature, music....

However, I often feel guilty in pursuing these things that enrich my spirit. Usually this is when I should be doing work. Quite often I'd rather paint, draw, garden, write, dance, run, feel the wind across my face, listen to the rain and learn that song I want to sing to a man I'm in love with on my ukulele. Despite the guilt, I know that these things along with my peers, keep me sane.

We must remember that life is so much richer if we include the things we enjoy. Art reminds me that beauty isn't reserved for perfection. Quite often the beautiful things in life are not sharp edges ( I often think leaves are the most perfect shape ever) or perfect even numbers. The world is so irrational and so breathtaking!

I hope that I will marry a man someday who has hobbies that greatly enrich his life.

For now I want to run to the App Mountains and breathe the clean fresh air. I cannot wait for perfect painting weather. I have the urge to run and laugh and play in the rain. Cats, I've got to get one of those.

Taking Tests....

Tomorrow I take a test that I feel has been unjustly placed. Tuesday was the first indication of our progress in the course and since then we have had less than 48 hours to study for a major midterm. After suffering from a migraine most of the day, I have spent the evening doing my best to study for a test I feel drastically under-prepared for.

However, I also realize I've done far too much complaining this week. Yes it has been incredibly stressful with two major midterms and a lab report due, but there is no need to fuss and fight. Sometimes we must play our cards and hope (and pray lots) that in the end we come out even or better.

The funny thing is that most everyone else taking this test will be in the same boat as myself. Grad school has a bad habit of making many people feel stupid.

Feeling stupid makes me cry, especially if the feeling is overwhelming. A fair amount of my confidence lies in my academic abilities. For the first time in my life I have little to no confidence in my ability to perform as a graduate student. I have thought numerous times of dropping out, but I know this is what I want to do. I look forward to getting more in depth into my research. I am very excited about my research. I have made it through far too many trials to falter here.

I can at least say I have done my best to give my best this semester. I really have. I thought of dropping out of the optics program and changing my direction completely. Analytical or physical chemistry, entomology, or even being a dentist (the last one is because the dentist takes so much of my money!). I intend on finishing my degree. I can do this. :)

In other news, I have been sifting and sifting and slowly building courage to go forth in my romantic pursuits.  Hopefully things work out.

"I got this feelin' inside night and day and, and now I can't take it no more"

"If I kind of like a guy, then I'm a fantastic flirt. But with a guy I truly like, I get painfully shy."
Shannen Doherty

When it comes to men, I generally have no issues. I get along with them just fine. I have many male friends. However, when it comes to speaking up with my thoughts and feelings I am by far one of the most shy individuals there exists. 


This extreme shyness is a direct result of never winning. More often than not things don't work out, they aren't interested, and I have left myself open, vulnerable and figuratively bleeding. My pride is very fragile after so many failed relationships.


I do not hold myself in high regard. Why should I? I am moderately attractive at best, I'm intelligent, socially incompetent and eccentric... 


Who wants someone so eccentric? 


Furthermore, even if I get to confidence to express myself, am I really worth their time? I often feel that those I date settle on me, since I am the best opportunity at the time. Over time they realize they can do "better". 


Who wants someone with a screwed up childhood, deep rooted  emotional demons, and  who struggles to wake up in the mornings on occasion because of depression? Who wants someone whom others believe is spacy, cheezy, and over-emotional? 


Who am I that I should be the one people are crazy about? 


I like to believe I pick poorly, sometimes I'm not so sure. More often I believe it is me. More often than not, I'm not perfect. 


How can I even fathom expressing my feelings to someone whom I look up to, who brings me happiness, and for whom I am likely everything they never wanted?


I am nothing special. I'm no princess. There is no knight that wants to whisk me away into a sunset. I have always been the backburner girlfriend....perhaps that is for a reason... me.

“One of the hardest things in life is having words in your heart that you can't utter.”--James Earl Jones

I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you. I love you not only for what you have made of yourself, but for what you are making of me. I love you for the part of me that you bring out.  --Roy Croft The greatest degree of inner tranquility comes from the development of love and compassion. The more we care for the happiness of others, the greater is our own sense of well-being. - Tenzin Gyatso, 14th Dalai Lamat Neither a lofty degree of intelligence nor imagination nor both together go to the making of genius. Love, love, love, that is the soul of genius. - Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart

Love makes mutes of those who habitually speak most fluently.

- Madeleine de Scudery

Numbers- Since Words Just Get In The Way

My dear you are to me as the finest numbers
You are as assuring and pure as any counting number
And as intriguing as any prime.
As exciting as the best perfect square, beautiful like forty-nine.

Rational and real as the best laid four
The joy you bring me has as many digits
As the square root of two-- endless
My happiness is unbounded as a diverging sequence.

My absolute value of all my negative thoughts
Calming as the value e, and as useful as pi,
My lovely you are a fractal
Mysterious and predictable.

Like zero unbiased, your wisdom is cherished
Constant as cosine, oscillating in time
You are the numerator to my success
The denominator to my stress.

I converge to my best as any perfectly good summation
When you are my counsel, placing my mind at rest
Like the number i, you are foundational
Yet just as complex.

Unique as one, and odd like three
Appealing as the Golden Ratio
You are my relief as any real number
The simplest fraction to my complex life

If God made people numbers
I don't know what value you'd be
For to me you are all,
Through plus and minus infinity.

"Stop all the clocks" I want to spend more time with you

I was introduced to this song several months ago. I bookmarked the video and several nights a week the last thing I hear is this song:

Why? It calms me. It calms me like the individual who sent it to me.

Thank you.

You are my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song
With you I feel that in this world, I belong

You are my compass in times of correction,
My map of wisdom and my sextant at sea,
My sunlight, my moonlight, my darkness, my light
I thought the past was trouble too,
But with you I lose all sight of plight

You're my morning tea, sweetened too
A fresh spring, a morning dew
My joy, my torment, my passionate fire
My lavender, my gentleman, my wolf
And for you I aspire.

The stars are all desired now: put out every one;
Release the moon and assemble the sun;
Fill up the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For everything now can never come to any wrong.

(Inspiration from W.H. Auden's "Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone")

"Something in the way he knows, all I have to do is think of him..."

"Take me home tonight, I don't want to let you go till you've seen the [sun]light"

I have gotten in a bad habit of late: buying plants when I'm feeling blue. I tell myself it is harmless....for I could be buying kittens!

The funny thing about the whole ordeal is how I am both selective in picking out a plant and incredibly spontaneous at the same time. I will see the plants, spot one I like and convince myself that it deserves a home where it can get "real" light basking in the stuff provided through my eastern balcony window. Luckily I only buy one at a time. I pick one, among many to be the object of my affections. The only way for the plant to escape my love is to die. Only one has so far. I think I'm doing pretty good. I try to talk nice to them. I think it helps and makes people believe I'm a little crazy.

In the attempt to spoil my plants I purchased a spray bottle to mist their little (and large) tropical leaves. For my birthday I think I'll spoil them with new pots (some of them need new pots) and fertilizer. How could they not love me?

The flowering stage of my daffodil's and crocus's are over. They will hopefully bloom again sometime. I might just have to be patient with their boring leaves for a while.

I considered buying myself cut flowers today, since it is Valentine's day and I have not received a lick of attention. However, to buy my own flowers seem desperate and I'd rather spend the 5-15 dollars to buy myself something that will be living for a while and that needs to be rescued from the world of florescent bulbs and to be praised for its beauty. I do love my plants a great deal. I don't know if that makes me crazy or not.

At the end of the day I shall go home, make myself a lovely dinner, speak sweetly to my plants and enjoy a great horror film. Sounds like a peacefully great night.

I hope your St. Valentine's Day is just as good if not better.

"You've been running and hiding much too long. You know it's just your foolish pride."

I have felt myself being coaxed into my shy little world again. I am drawing quiet.

My head is reeling with thoughts, plans, ideas and predictions. I wonder if I was too bold, too unorthodox. It is troubling and fills me with much anxiety.

The anxiety stems from within. I am filled with fear and excitement, disappointment and emotionalism. I cannot read people as well as I'd like. Maybe I made a move too quick?

Either way, there is yet another 36 hours of potential torment. I'd like to think he is considering my offer to go out and have a fun yet civilized time. Little speaking and all. Sounds perfect. However, I am far from naive enough to believe he is simply delaying due to deep consideration. It really isn't that complicated. Simply put, he could be searching for a way to weasel his way out of it with grace.

Tricky this one is.

He cannot avoid me indefinitely. Then again he can ignore me for that time frame. I shouldn't stress like this.

All this aside it is easy to stress out about this one single element in my life. He is a treasure to me, and heaven forbid he has the demeanor of a rabbit-- full of skiddishness.

What I do know is that I, yes me, would greatly enjoy his untypical company. I simply desire his uninterrupted presence. There is such peace in his one on one company. I greatly enjoy any little minute I am blessed to get. Crazy I say. Crazy.

I should stop before I break out in poetry.

This is how I feel today.

"I could write it better than you ever felt it"

Today marks the one year anniversary of my first blog post!

Be, be, be excited!

My life is at a different point than it was a year ago. I'd like to think for the better. There are still issues I have to struggle with from time to time, however things look bright. My original formatting of my blog was as dark and sad as I felt. Now it is a soft grey.

This time last year I was wrestling feeling of a past lover, and to a much lesser extent I still do, however this no longer results with me in tears. I was also dating a man I am no longer dating, and overall would consider myself pseudo seeing someone or even single. Crazy.

I have found in life there is very little we should worry about, and there is very little we can predict (though sometimes I feel like a fortune teller). I am pleased to be here. I am happy to not be worrying about the next "stage" of my life (that's this time next year :P ). I have begun to settle into what seems to be a rhythm.  I feel generally more mentally stabled both behind closed doors and in the open. There is still a lot left unsaid, but sometimes it is best kept that way.

I miss my undergraduate friends. Some have yet to graduate, others went off and got married, and yet others are working in what now seems a far distant land (aka my home state). I am slowly making friends here. I have people to enjoy.

This past year has also been filled with much discovery of myself. They [insert some obscure reference here] often say that one does not reach mental maturity until they are 25-30ish. It seems there is still some work cut out for me. I look forward to it.

I have felt extremely introverted since the start of the new year. Perhaps I feel that my peers would be happy to hear my silence. What I have to report is of little interest to them. I hope the real world isn't so dull.

My philosophy about life is that it is meant to be shared. Oh well. I guess this explains my greater desire to write. I must speak. I must share my thoughts, ideas, aspirations.....

Yet no one here really seems to give a damn. Oh the academic world...you are such a tragedy.

"1-2-3-4 Walking like a man, hitting like a hammer / she's a juvenile scam, never was a quitter / Tasty like a raindrop, she's got the look "

Today I officially welcome in the most terrible month of the year: February.

There are many reasons February is the worst month of the year:

•  Old Man Winter feels this month is his last hurrah! and as a result the weather is always misrable. The current storm is just one fine example of such. 
• The month has a weird number of days. Twenty-eight. No we couldn't give up a few one's from the 31 day months....
• The worst holiday of all time: St. Valentine's Day. Perhaps it is simply me being overly jaded. That or having past boyfriends who royally screwed it up.

Those really are my main reasons. That, and I am separated from March. So very close!

So what am I up to during this winter crisis of ice+snow+SNOWDAY!!!! ?

Due to the snow, I have had the time to get slightly ahead in my classes. With this I have had time to cook amazing creations. YUM! I made a mushroom custard of sorts last night. So.....very....GOOD! I need to exercise, but going outside is out of the question with the ice, and driving to the gym is also less likely because of the same.

My plants are enjoying the snow. The more white the ground, the more light they receive. They are of course in the warm comfort of my low humidity apartment.  Lots of light equates to happy plants who make me happy with their pretty foliage. ^_^

So with my textbooks several traffic lights away, what is a pretty girl suppose to do? My options include more cooking (which will likely happen here soon), painting eh? Maybe?, try to fold a koi out of paper?

I could always read. Thank you for the lovely read dearest friend. :) I still need to finish that.

If only I still had my ski pants.....

A Melancholic Blue: "And I don't see how you could ever be anything but mine"

I find myself often hit with sadness. It really waxes and wanes in my life. This likely is my biggest source of anxiety.

First, something sets me off. Tonight, a song by The Fray titled: Look After you.
Second, the memories flood-- the happiness, the loss of relationships/friendships/etc
Thirdly, I find myself resting in the rut.

I suppose now that I think of it, I likely do a lot of meditating. I analyze the past from every angel a thousand times.

The Fray always reminds me of G, which is likely the sorest spot of my inner world. He brings me a great deal of pain. He brings me a great deal of sorrow, and speaking to him is rather bittersweet. I love him but I try to forget. For him my heart expresses every known emotion I can think of. I have been working on releasing myself from his grasp that he is very unaware of in his actual being. I pity him sometimes.

It brings me some sorrow and comfort to know that he only had a brief relationship after myself, and since has been wandering lost in the world without the invisible hand of woman. It brings me sorrow because I know that if we had stuck it out....

It brings me sadness because I opened up my whole self to him, a task that is terribly difficult to me. He was my Beloved (See Song of Songs). Never have I allowed myself to be so vulnerable and be seen without all my walls in place.

It is sad that we knew each other so well, and deep down are still very familiar with each other. Here is a man, that if we could have put our difference behind us, we would have been marrying. Chemists. *sigh*

So I sit after a long, boring day where I tried very hard to study....listening to The Fray and contemplating crying.

But crying is useless as I am out of Kleenexes and for almost 2 years left without a man I want to hold me, calm me, and remind me it is all alright as I do so. I am without the ability to let my guard down. It is terribly exhausting.

"And I'm short on words, knowing what's occurred"


I know I shouldn't be sad at his loss. But I am. I'm sad because since I have struggled. I've struggled to even attempt it again.

And now sits before me a new man, whom I love, without his knowledge. Yet, my guard is still up. There is no time to fall apart when/if I am disposed of as I frequently am.

G used to compare me to an unknown caramel brand. Secondhand butterscotch that no one seemed to want. However, once consumed one realized how great it was, often better than the Milkmaid ones.

As his graduation comes close, I intend to get him a small gift to get him on his feet in the bright big world. Likely a tie. I'm going to ship him a beautiful tie. And inside I will be proud of him, and terribly disappointed.

I hope he never marries. I don't mean it in spite but as in my own little sanctuary. The knowledge might be my little death, should I not find my own happiness. The thought of him, even today, with another woman sickens me physically.

"I don't see how you could ever be, anything but mine."

I frequently wonder how he feels. After the break up and a new boyfriend he pushed me away, pushed me away as if he never wanted to look back. He performed a perfect heartbreak. I still remember the car ride where he told me that he had decided he didn't want me in the rest of his life, while I choked back tears and kept my composure for at the time I wanted him in the rest of my life. After I got out of the car, I lost it. I vehemently wept, and didn't get much sleep that night. I remember his little acts of innocence and concern afterwards. I still don't know how I managed to not kill myself--- likely the excellent track season I had. Ah Track! Thou art my rescuer from life! I cried, wept even, every night without him there to comfort me. I wondered everyday up to graduation what he was doing. I've continuously tried to figure out what I did so very wrong. It is hard to think I could ever truly be so loving and vulnerable again without understanding my big flaw, my big mistake.

Ever since I've been insecure in dating and relationships. I am terrified of doing something wrong or intentionally do everything wrong.

It is difficult for to blame anyone but myself. It is a result of repeatedly being discarded and let go and misunderstood.

First, there was my father (more correctly my birth father) whom I loved as any great daddy's girl would. He lied and used me. I was never really loved. Let's also add the family that declared me a liar in court when they would have whooped my ass for lying in the first place. How could I not be honest? How do you think it felt to come to the realization that I was simply a pawn in my sick father's world? How could they so easily abandon me for that monster? I was simply disposable, worthless, and abandoned.

Then came many similar events in my life, with the paramount of being disposable: G.

I now live trying to remind myself that so many people believe I am of worth, that I am not just a piece of trash to be tossed aside...however over time I even feel the growing distance between these people. I try very hard to not think of this. It upsets me. As the continents drift on their subtle plate-tectonics of life....I am left as Antarctica-- a distant island that no one wishes to claim...

Overall I have been good at being in a good mood lately. School has been better, my finances aren't terrible, I am surrounded by good music, tasty food....

Sometimes I want to let go. I want to live far far away in a remote area, where if I am really wanted or desired those who seek me would trek to find me. I want to disappear into Nirvana.

Sometimes I wish I could live as G does, without strong emotions. Perhaps at times that would be most preferred. For now I sit hiding as many as I can.

"Why oh why must it be this way? Before you can read me you got to learn how to see me, I said free your mind and the rest will follow"

Since I was a child I recognized I was not in the norm. I spent most of my adolescence fighting my natural inclinations. My greatest desires were to be normal and to be accepted. This naturally never happened.

I have always felt a bit masculine. As a child I greatly enjoyed math, the sciences, and had a temper. As I got older I grew mostly out of the temper, but continued to enjoy "boy" things. Growing up I'd rather tear apart my brother's TurboMan than host a tea party with my dolls. This inclination towards masculine labeled interests and activities increased as I grew older. One example stands out in my mind:

I once went to visit a young man's parents I was dating at the time. At one point in the evening I had the choice between looking at family photos from a recent vacation or looking over the blue prints of a large home his brother was involved in the construction of. The obvious norm would have pushed me to join his mother and sister to look at the photos. I thought of this, but after a short though I decided to go with the blueprints. I could care less about the family photos, I wanted to see the blueprints!

This masculine tendency is sometimes harmful in social situations. In the above case, the mother never took a liking to me. Sometimes I wonder if this incident had a direct impact of losing her favor. I am expected to be sweet, docile and emotionally in tune with others. I am apparently expected to have an unmeasurable amount of hand lotions...

It has been challenging to adopt my overlying femininity. Somethings came naturally to me. I love flowers and plants (I really like the symbolism behind them--which likely goes back to my masculinity), I like to dress up and look nice for a date,  and kisses are bliss. However, on the other side there are just some things about being female I find it hard to get a hold of. Often I find I have extreme anxiety around women, and am quite freaked out by their woman chatter. I generally find I have a very difficult time relating to other women, or that I have trouble maintaining interest in what they are saying. I am not swept away with emotion, charm, and good looks.

I believe the point I wish to make is this: I hate sociology. I really do.

However, I know I'm in the minority. My "type" of overly rational makes up less than 40% of women and of my specific type? 1%.

I do not know how to compromise between who I am, and what as a woman I am expected to be. I have made strides over the years (you should see the amount of eyeshadow I own). Are these strides enough to prevent me from sticking out like a weed among roses? No.

Perhaps one day people will stop scrutinizing me under the microscope of gender stereotypes.

"What I've got's full stock of thoughts and dreams that scatter"

Today begins the second week of a new semester.

Today I am happy. My homework is done 27 hours before it is due. I am caught up in my reading, and I'm listening to 70's and 80's music. Oh, this is the life! :-P

Reflecting today I realize I am already off to a good start (aside from research). I am being my good old self. It is about time.

I feel I should have something deep and philosophical to give my few readers something to grapple with.

I have finally come up with what type of volunteer work I wish to engage in: visiting the elderly. This seems like the most logical decision for me, as I enjoy speaking and listening to the elderly, and many of them are often forgotten in nursing homes and retirement communities. The trick now is finding a suitable place and person to visit. I am excited for this opportunity and I am going to try to get started in the coming week. There is an elderly person waiting for me, I just know it. There is so many crazy stories to hear, so many memories to gain. I almost feel like I'm going into Lois Lowry's "The Giver" mode.

In other news, I have begun a 70's and big band phase in my musical listening. Oh the joys of jive! Interested? Check this pandora station out:

http://www.pandora.com/land/station/7bc1a03b43a85d48f2d5a169350ba42cfb0c2cad41b899d3?referrer=passoutlap3

Hopefully that link works!

For now I am back to playing with lasers!

"I don't wanna fall in love, no no. Love cuts just like a knife."

Jane Child was a crazy looking white woman.

I quote her tonight. I think she has a point.

"Let me tell it to you one more time, boy..."

"Falling in love" is one of the riskiest things one can do. It requires us let our guard down, become more vulnerably and to actively open ourselves to another person who may end up hurting us in the end.

"I knew I didn't want nobody else, you're scaring me to death"

The problem lies in the fact I've been here before, on the verge of jumping in. I've jumped before. It was the best experience of my life. It was, however, also the worst experience of my life. The risks of dating someone whom I really like are troublesome. I've suddenly found myself with a lack of confidence, social anxiety, and significantly more quiet and becoming shyer by the moment.

"Ain't no personal thing boy, but you have got to stay away far, far away from my heart, my heart"

I find myself frequently struggling with my emotions, especially when there is logic behind their choices. It is difficult to express the passions that wells within me. My passions are generally overwhelming. I continue to bottle them and fervently search for releases (hence my writing, which is still vague but helps).

It is far easier to distance myself from people. It is far easier to deal with loneliness than severe disappointment. It is easier to dance crazily in my living room without being judged. It is far easier to sing without being critiqued on when I miss a note. It is far easier to be single then to be told after a year that all this time I was not good enough, too far away, or not your type.

This doesn't mean I am not interested in relationships. I've just become even more selective as I am tossed aside. I don't want to be the picked, I want to do the picking. Maybe then they'll stick around. Maybe.

Perhaps I'm just a crazy, robot with high demands and poor taste in men. :-P

Perhaps I'm the one that is poor taste. I've tried to make myself an appealing match. I'm pretty enough, I can cook, I am generous, perhaps a little cold at times but I am fully capable of loyalty. I am still capable of being a good parent and loving spouse.

I'm smart, pretty and one day wealthy. (haha) I guess I'm just not what good men want.

"You have started sinking in"

"Let me tell it to you one more time boy: 'I don't wanna fall in love, no no. Love cuts just like a knife.'"

For now I'll just work on being of higher value. Maybe then I won't so easily be tossed aside.

"Now let me at the truth which will refresh my broken mind "

Emotions. I hate having to wrestle them.

They do not like to stay in their box.

"Sleep, sweetie, let your floods come rushing in and carry you over to a new morning "

It is pi time. I start this at 3:14, writing to ease my steam-train mind.

I leave at 8 am for the prospect of being surrounded by trees, rock formations and caves. This means in about 4 hours I am suppose to be waking up. Dreadful really.

I have been trying to sleep for over an hour. I've been having this problem a lot lately. I won't be able to fall asleep until 3 or even as late as 5 am and then sleep til noon or two...

I've attempted to get my schedule back. I have had little to no luck. I have tried mellow music, I have tried reading before bed, I have begun to wonder what is wrong and if I should start taking melatonin. I may go out and get some when I return from my trip.

The frustrating part is that I cannot sleep. I try and try. Furthermore, I end up waking up late, lacking the full rest in which I desire. I'm never really tired. That is, unless I am up til 7, 8, or 9 am because I can't sleep.

Tomorrow I want to enjoy my trip. I want to sleep so that I can enjoy my trip. I have such a distaste for the city around me. I need air, mountains, trees and lots of little birds. I haven't heard a cricket in ages, but I hear car doors slam every night. My room is never pitch black, but remains faintly glowing as a result of the light right outside my bedroom window.

Perhaps I am bored and since I don't overuse my mind or body while on break, my inner self sees no reason to sleep. Perhaps it is the birth control that regulates my cycle that is keeping me awake, which is a very real possibility. I really wish I knew.

I generally am able to control my mental processes at night, but recently this has been impossible. I think about everything I should be doing: reviewing research papers, reading a former student's thesis, painting, working on my big mobile project, reading my text books, budgeting my money...and the list goes on. Let us not even include men into the picture.

Hopefully I sleep soon. Getting up will be a major pain in the morning.

"I ain't got a dime, but what I got is mine. I ain't rich, but Lord I'm free."

Tonight, I went out with a group of people, and again the subject of personality types was brought up. I find the topic very delectable. The very idea of placing an individual into one of 16 boxes is appealing. How much easier would it be to interact with such knowledge! In reading about myself (INTJ) I am shocked on how accurate it describes how I feel about myself and others. In fact, it even makes sense of how people react to me. I am a rarity in personalities. This brings me a great amount of joy, but also I realize that often this may create a hindrance in my personal life.  

I greatly desire to look into this. I wish to fully understand myself and others so that I can interact more smoothly. We all know how helpful it would be for myself to learn to polish things a little bit. 

In the little digging I have done, I have come to realize why I struggle in finding a "mate". I have such an idealized view of things, and reality is rarely ideal. Hmm. Ugg.

"Cause I’m not easy to understand but you know me like the back of your hand"

I have no idea what to structure my typing on tonight, I merely wish to write.

Perhaps I shall talk about myself.

I have recently decided I would like to volunteer somewhere. I am not entirely sure where or exactly what I'd like to do. Perhaps the elderly? Maybe the homeless? Environmental?

Speaking of the environment, I have a friend that is an avid recycler. It has started to bother me that I do not even try to recycle--- though I do keep many usable containers. Glass is my weakness. I really really hate throwing out glass, though I know plastics account for a large percentage of waste. Furthermore, paper waste is easily recycled as well. Perhaps I shall begin to recycle glass. Maybe I'll feel more inclined for the rest later.

I have been thinking of things I'd like to do before I die. I made a list several years ago which included both realistic and unrealistic ideas.

My current "list" would include the following:

Hike the entire Appalachian trail
Climb a mountain, perhaps even a technical climb
See the ocean
Touch every continent.
Learn a foreign language or more
Spend a year in another country.
Marry a fine man
Attend a rock concert
Go into outer space
Win a race
Be able to identify birds and trees
Host a masquerade
Be a charming great wife
Maintain a long term garden
Cook with my own vegetables and herbs
Start an heirloom garden
Do some serious geo-cashing
Foster teens.
Learn to upholster and make furniture
Explore alternative energy
Be a dashingly great cook
Maintain my health
Do something about the conditions in Africa
Instill change in the education system of the United States
Hunt a turkey
Visit France and St. Petersburg
Fall in love
Improve my vocabulary
Fold 1000 paper cranes
Visit historical places across the world
Have a true Belgian Waffle in Belgium
Relearn my geography
Dance barefoot with someone I love under the dark starry night sky
Visit Cedarpoint and ride all the coasters
Sail on the ocean
Catch a Salmon
Enjoy the silent night's of living in the middle of nowhere
Avoid living a life that would result in a great horror film
Inspire someone
Be familiar with many different religious texts
Live a week in the life of the Amish
Sleep several nights in a row in a tent
Visit Antarctica
Raise ethically sound children
Take more pictures


I am sure there are more. I will likely thing of more later when it isn't so late.

"I'd stop the world and melt with you"

"Ever heard of chaos theory, Ed? It's a science, tries to determine underlying patterns in chaotic systems like weather, ocean currents, blood flow sort of things. But it turns out that are few things more chaotic than the beat of a human heart. Its beating up, slowing down. Pretty face, flirty stares. It's always changing on what's happening to ourselves out there. It's an erratic son of a bitch. But underneath all of that bump-da-bump mess, there is in fact a pattern, the truth, and it's love. Most important thing about love is that we choose to give it, and we choose to receive it. Making it the least random act in the entire universe. It transcends blood, it transcends betrayal and all the dirt and makes us human. "
~Chaos Theory, character: Frank Allen


There is a dear friend in my life, and I have come to realize why he is so appealing. 


He is not perfect. In fact he is quite imperfect. I can think and list many seemingly negative qualities he possesses. I see them in their full glory. I have run through the disapproval algorithms of prediction. I have sifted through them, considering the full sense of their potential impact. I have wondered if these ingrained traits could be changed, and I have wondered if it is even important in the grand scheme of things. 


Furthermore, if I am ying, he is yang. We differ substantially, and in many ways complete opposites. 


He is nothing special. There is nothing that makes him stand out, except perhaps that he is everything away from mainstream. He differs in a quiet manner. Nothing flashy, no sparkle, no shine. 


I often feel getting to know him requires the patience that one would put towards waiting for a caterpillar to become a butterfly. 


He is full of sage, mystery, and ambiguity. He is predictable. 


Yet I want him patiently. I long for him in the way I do for the trees, the mountains, and the sight of little wrens. 


When I broke my engagement off many years ago, I sought to put in the time and devotion to a young man and avoid the pitfalls of my engagement. I saw potential in him. He was terribly imperfect. I made a conscious effort to love him as unconditionally as possible. I succeeded and to this day I still love him dearly. In the end I was dismissed as not being good enough. Since I have wondered if I could ever make this choice again. 


I believe I can. I am willing. I am more than willing. I am more willing with every fault I uncover and every dream. I am willing to be patient with his faults, I am willing to be kind, I am willing put his happiness above mine. I am willing to accept him for who he is, who he will become and regardless if he changes or not. I am willing to love him unconditionally. I never thought I'd say that again. 

"If equal affection cannot be,

Let the more loving one be me."

~W. H. Auden


I ask for nothing.