Today has been interesting to say the least.
Today I humbled myself and dropped my first grad school class.
Today I became single again
The day has been a mix of small joy and humility.
Yet it rains. The sound is indescribably beautiful. Tis sweet music to my ears. I was so enthralled by the sound through the window I opened it, who really cares if it is 50 F?
Rain is the sound of comfort. Rain reminds me I'm redeemed. Rain reminds me it is alright to be sad, to dance, and to play.
Rain reminds me of good times-- of falling in love.....
It is always so peaceful, so violent, so soothing. Rain rests my soul, like the wind excites it. And the trees, so beautiful they steal my breath. (which reminds me I saw a bunch of leaves the other day I wanted to make into the best dress ever, alas I didn't grab them).
One day I will live outside of the busyness of the city, and despite what I'm wearing I'll be able to sit on the porch and get my feet wet, and hell.... I may even go play.
Thank you God-- as much as I don't like you sometimes you know how to put my soul at ease. Praise God from the rain so gladly falls to cheer me.
“God loved the birds and invented trees. Man loved the birds and invented cages.” ~Jacques Deval
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Monday, November 29, 2010
"Another one bites the dust"
At least it was short.
There is little I know how to say. I liked him. He's still nice.
In the end, I'm not surprised.
All I can do is weep a little and march forward.
There is little I know how to say. I liked him. He's still nice.
In the end, I'm not surprised.
All I can do is weep a little and march forward.
"And even though the moment passed me by I still can't turn away "
If you're reading this.. I miss you. God, I miss you.
*slaps sense into self*
*slaps sense into self*
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
"... his love for Rachel was greater than his love for Leah"
Often I feel like Leah, and envying the love Rachel receives. It seems a little outlandish to compare myself to an unloved wife in a Genesis story, but...
Tonight, in feeling under appreciated and thinking how my life has been a flop in the dating world (not that it is currently a flop... though that is still yet to be determined). I again feel like Leah.
Anyone who knows me well would tell you that I will soon be the only non-married child in my family. Not a huge deal, except like Leah---- I'm the oldest. It isn't like I do not wish to be married, it just hasn't panned out for me in the gold rush of the early adulthoodness.
I cannot help but feel...cheated.
Let us go to Genesis 29.
Imagine, Rachel rushes in to tell her sister she has met a boy out in the field, and better yet, he has kissed her. Was Leah excited for her sister? I'm sure, any good sister would be. Was she upset? Likely. It was custom she'd be the first wed-- and now to hear that Jacob was asking for her sister? Oh, snap!
Leah had to be crushed. Jacob worked for seven years for her sister (and failed to check the merchandise before using it) to wake up next to Leah. Picture the reaction Leah had to see as Jacob realized he'd been cheated. (Though it is hard to say she should have found it unexpected.) Jacob went back for a refund only to be stuck with poor Leah.
Leah must have been humiliated. Not even a day had passed before Jacob inquired about her sister Rachel. I can only guess at what Leah must have heard that morning, "This is a terrible mistake. I worked so hard to have Rachel and I get you instead, absolutely ridiculous. Your father is such a cheat!" A week after she was married to Jacob, Jacob also marries Rachel, the woman of his dreams. On top of this he works an additional 7 years to have her. Jacob loved Rachel 14 years worth of hard labor, he loved Leah for nothing. Leah wasn't what Jacob wanted. As the title says he loved Rachel more.
God seeing the utter heartache of Leah's lackluster marriage decides to gives Leah children. (Yay! We all know this doesn't work....for well...the majority of the population.) To make the situation more favorable, God even makes Rachel miserable by not allowing her to have children. (Surely, Jacob will love Leah more now--she even says so herself.)
As I read the names of Leah's children..... Leah bore Reuben, she bore Simeon, she bore Levi, and then Judah ( She bore a few more naturally) ....it dawned on me. Leah may have been less loved by Jacob, but she was surely loved by the Lord. Why do I say this?
Leah, not Rachel, bore Levi---> This tribe become the priests of God's people.
Leah, not Rachel bore Judah ---> This is the tribe of David---> think Jesus.
I had always felt pity for Leah. Her death isn't even mentioned. She gets no gold star.
However, I now realize that Leah, the less loved by Jacob, is the source of the branch of David and thus the branch from which our Saviour is born.
God must have felt :
a) really bad for the situation Leah was in, or
b) really loved Leah tremendously.
It is hard to say. For Leah is a minor character that falls off by the 35th chapter of Genesis. She is only again mentioned in Ruth along side her sister Rachel.
As for now, I shall rest easy knowing that regardless of which woman I relate to more, both together "built up the family of Israel".
Tonight, in feeling under appreciated and thinking how my life has been a flop in the dating world (not that it is currently a flop... though that is still yet to be determined). I again feel like Leah.
Anyone who knows me well would tell you that I will soon be the only non-married child in my family. Not a huge deal, except like Leah---- I'm the oldest. It isn't like I do not wish to be married, it just hasn't panned out for me in the gold rush of the early adulthoodness.
I cannot help but feel...cheated.
Let us go to Genesis 29.
Imagine, Rachel rushes in to tell her sister she has met a boy out in the field, and better yet, he has kissed her. Was Leah excited for her sister? I'm sure, any good sister would be. Was she upset? Likely. It was custom she'd be the first wed-- and now to hear that Jacob was asking for her sister? Oh, snap!
Leah had to be crushed. Jacob worked for seven years for her sister (and failed to check the merchandise before using it) to wake up next to Leah. Picture the reaction Leah had to see as Jacob realized he'd been cheated. (Though it is hard to say she should have found it unexpected.) Jacob went back for a refund only to be stuck with poor Leah.
Leah must have been humiliated. Not even a day had passed before Jacob inquired about her sister Rachel. I can only guess at what Leah must have heard that morning, "This is a terrible mistake. I worked so hard to have Rachel and I get you instead, absolutely ridiculous. Your father is such a cheat!" A week after she was married to Jacob, Jacob also marries Rachel, the woman of his dreams. On top of this he works an additional 7 years to have her. Jacob loved Rachel 14 years worth of hard labor, he loved Leah for nothing. Leah wasn't what Jacob wanted. As the title says he loved Rachel more.
God seeing the utter heartache of Leah's lackluster marriage decides to gives Leah children. (Yay! We all know this doesn't work....for well...the majority of the population.) To make the situation more favorable, God even makes Rachel miserable by not allowing her to have children. (Surely, Jacob will love Leah more now--she even says so herself.)
As I read the names of Leah's children..... Leah bore Reuben, she bore Simeon, she bore Levi, and then Judah ( She bore a few more naturally) ....it dawned on me. Leah may have been less loved by Jacob, but she was surely loved by the Lord. Why do I say this?
Leah, not Rachel, bore Levi---> This tribe become the priests of God's people.
Leah, not Rachel bore Judah ---> This is the tribe of David---> think Jesus.
I had always felt pity for Leah. Her death isn't even mentioned. She gets no gold star.
However, I now realize that Leah, the less loved by Jacob, is the source of the branch of David and thus the branch from which our Saviour is born.
God must have felt :
a) really bad for the situation Leah was in, or
b) really loved Leah tremendously.
It is hard to say. For Leah is a minor character that falls off by the 35th chapter of Genesis. She is only again mentioned in Ruth along side her sister Rachel.
As for now, I shall rest easy knowing that regardless of which woman I relate to more, both together "built up the family of Israel".
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Thoughts in a Scattered Sunday
Tonight I type to silence.
Over the years I have attempted to seem as normal as possible. Although I may try to outrun my oddities they still come out. They surface.
As I have gotten older I have learned--- learned to hold back my tongue, speak less. My mind tells me to not speak at all. Why? I am exceptionally venerable. People worry about me.
I used to speak and talk about outrageously uncomfortable things when I was younger, and sometimes I still find myself doing so. I figured, the more people think they know me, the safer I am. The trick was always to scare people away with my eccentric personality and over-sharing habits. I both wanted people close, but wanted them very far away.
I am getting older now, and I'm trying. I am trying to kick the old habits of pushing people away.
However, I have a confession:
What scares the hell out of me is getting close to someone.
People are sometimes difficult to read, but to each there is a certain level of honesty and truthfulness to them. Judging this correctly is key.
When I was in third grade I was the new kid in my class. I was not alone in my "new kid-ness". Now I don't usually use names but Jesse was his name. We hit it off great-- almost immediately. We were pals before the three o'clock bell rang. However, on the third day of third grade (nice repetitiveness eh?) we got into a fight. I believe I hit him. The first and only time I was ever in a fight at school. From that moment on, Jesse and I were sworn enemies. Now you may be wondering what my point is in sharing a little background here, and this is it: anything Jesse wanted to know I told. Here was my arch-enemy, a kid I was not supposed to like. It is difficult though to describe how I felt around him though. Jesse was everything shy of magnetic. I couldn't lie to him, I couldn't hide from him (he'd be in every single one of my classes before I changed school districts). This fact about Jesse scared me.
If only Jesse had asked the right questions he'd destroy me. He was not good. I could sense it.
With all my experience of being the loser, of being lied to, of being abandoned-- I have come to be decent at reading people. Or so I think. If I can't there are always small tests.
Deep down I am scared. I'm scared that those who come to know me fully and completely will be either appalled or use me.
But deep down, what I long for and desire is to be known and loved in spite of that.
Tonight I am successful in choking my doubts in myself. But how much longer will I be able to motivate myself with no purpose? How long will I be able to "hope" that ahead of me are opportunities to make a difference?
If you can't tell my mind is all a flurry now. There is so much to think about.
1. I am not my parents.
2. I will one day be a good parent.
3. E--- what will be?
4. Motivation--where will I find it?
5. My marrying sister
6. Homework--thou art a thorn in my side
7. God.
8. Me.
sleep time. zzzZzzz
Over the years I have attempted to seem as normal as possible. Although I may try to outrun my oddities they still come out. They surface.
As I have gotten older I have learned--- learned to hold back my tongue, speak less. My mind tells me to not speak at all. Why? I am exceptionally venerable. People worry about me.
I used to speak and talk about outrageously uncomfortable things when I was younger, and sometimes I still find myself doing so. I figured, the more people think they know me, the safer I am. The trick was always to scare people away with my eccentric personality and over-sharing habits. I both wanted people close, but wanted them very far away.
I am getting older now, and I'm trying. I am trying to kick the old habits of pushing people away.
However, I have a confession:
What scares the hell out of me is getting close to someone.
People are sometimes difficult to read, but to each there is a certain level of honesty and truthfulness to them. Judging this correctly is key.
When I was in third grade I was the new kid in my class. I was not alone in my "new kid-ness". Now I don't usually use names but Jesse was his name. We hit it off great-- almost immediately. We were pals before the three o'clock bell rang. However, on the third day of third grade (nice repetitiveness eh?) we got into a fight. I believe I hit him. The first and only time I was ever in a fight at school. From that moment on, Jesse and I were sworn enemies. Now you may be wondering what my point is in sharing a little background here, and this is it: anything Jesse wanted to know I told. Here was my arch-enemy, a kid I was not supposed to like. It is difficult though to describe how I felt around him though. Jesse was everything shy of magnetic. I couldn't lie to him, I couldn't hide from him (he'd be in every single one of my classes before I changed school districts). This fact about Jesse scared me.
If only Jesse had asked the right questions he'd destroy me. He was not good. I could sense it.
With all my experience of being the loser, of being lied to, of being abandoned-- I have come to be decent at reading people. Or so I think. If I can't there are always small tests.
Deep down I am scared. I'm scared that those who come to know me fully and completely will be either appalled or use me.
But deep down, what I long for and desire is to be known and loved in spite of that.
Tonight I am successful in choking my doubts in myself. But how much longer will I be able to motivate myself with no purpose? How long will I be able to "hope" that ahead of me are opportunities to make a difference?
If you can't tell my mind is all a flurry now. There is so much to think about.
1. I am not my parents.
2. I will one day be a good parent.
3. E--- what will be?
4. Motivation--where will I find it?
5. My marrying sister
6. Homework--thou art a thorn in my side
7. God.
8. Me.
sleep time. zzzZzzz
Friday, November 5, 2010
"I am armed to the teeth, and I'm heavy set."
I still love him. It will be two years in March since he decided he didn't want me.
....and though I know we were never to be....I could never be his mother.... I cannot help but want to see his life. I want to see him flourish. I want to see him marry a pretty girl, and see him as a successful man of God, a kind-hearted community member, and a wonderful father.
...for me. I hope I can love like I loved him again. God knows it was as blind as could be... I loved him with my heart, mind, and soul. I still do.
G, you are my model of what my love should look like. You should know that.
Sometimes I think God put you in my life to show me I was fully capable of loving someone as imperfected and lost as you were at times. I am positive that the right man will come around whom loves me as I loved you, and that I love as much or more than I loved you.
I am proud to see where you've come since your freshman year. I know you have much more to improve upon, but so do I. It is my hope you live up to the greatness I saw in you.
I am close I think. I am ready to put myself out there again....even if I get burned. I'm glad my memories of you don't haunt me anymore and that I'm learning to let you go...or have almost let you completely go. Heaven knows you've let me go.
....and though I know we were never to be....I could never be his mother.... I cannot help but want to see his life. I want to see him flourish. I want to see him marry a pretty girl, and see him as a successful man of God, a kind-hearted community member, and a wonderful father.
...for me. I hope I can love like I loved him again. God knows it was as blind as could be... I loved him with my heart, mind, and soul. I still do.
G, you are my model of what my love should look like. You should know that.
Sometimes I think God put you in my life to show me I was fully capable of loving someone as imperfected and lost as you were at times. I am positive that the right man will come around whom loves me as I loved you, and that I love as much or more than I loved you.
I am proud to see where you've come since your freshman year. I know you have much more to improve upon, but so do I. It is my hope you live up to the greatness I saw in you.
I am close I think. I am ready to put myself out there again....even if I get burned. I'm glad my memories of you don't haunt me anymore and that I'm learning to let you go...or have almost let you completely go. Heaven knows you've let me go.
Monday, November 1, 2010
"I don't know where I'm going/ Or where to begin/ Alone in this room/ Thinking of you "
I am an array of uncertainty. I am insecure, and questioning myself.
Again I'm going to touch on something regarding relationships. It is beginning to bother me that I am "just a girl I am seeing".
The source of this is likely the fact I don't know what he is seeking in a "relationship". Does he just want to date with his options open? Is he looking for something serious?
If I could have one super-power I'd pick the ability to read minds. Men are people who do a damn good job at maintaining emotional homeostasis. It is difficult to pick up how they feel about you.
How do you really feel?
I know everyone is different in how they relate to others emotionally. Perhaps I am quick.
I'm scattered and shy of the panic of wasting time and money. If another man asks me for my number I want to know if I should be rejecting his request.
I am uncertain on what I should be doing. I'm unsure of what "we" are. I haven't a clue how long you plan on being in the picture.
I understand some things take time. I'm waiting to see how much of my heart I'll give away. I'm waiting to see if you walk. I am waiting to see if my flaws are too much. Yet I don't want to rush anything. I don't want to show my hand too soon. I just wish my mind would rest easy about the subject.
Patience. God please give me more.
Again I'm going to touch on something regarding relationships. It is beginning to bother me that I am "just a girl I am seeing".
The source of this is likely the fact I don't know what he is seeking in a "relationship". Does he just want to date with his options open? Is he looking for something serious?
If I could have one super-power I'd pick the ability to read minds. Men are people who do a damn good job at maintaining emotional homeostasis. It is difficult to pick up how they feel about you.
How do you really feel?
I know everyone is different in how they relate to others emotionally. Perhaps I am quick.
I'm scattered and shy of the panic of wasting time and money. If another man asks me for my number I want to know if I should be rejecting his request.
I am uncertain on what I should be doing. I'm unsure of what "we" are. I haven't a clue how long you plan on being in the picture.
I understand some things take time. I'm waiting to see how much of my heart I'll give away. I'm waiting to see if you walk. I am waiting to see if my flaws are too much. Yet I don't want to rush anything. I don't want to show my hand too soon. I just wish my mind would rest easy about the subject.
Patience. God please give me more.
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