"Dreaming comes so easily cause it's all that I know"

As I get older I cannot help but notice trends in my life. Life is filled with seasons.

Life cycles through the spring, then the summer, fall, and finally through the winter.

This summer I live in a house with 7 other people. We all get along quite well and since we both work and live together it is helpful that we do. We all have our own unique traits to add. There are "the eyebrows", the Italian, the Mountain Man, the "what's going on?", the dancer, the grad student, and lastly the musician. Then there is me-- the awkward one.

We all met a few weeks ago. In the spring of our life together we grew to know each other better. There is still a lot left unknown though. Spring is yet up. There is much left that I want to learn, much left I want to know, and much more I want to share and give.

Soon the summer will come in our blossoming relationships where we will be as all-knowing as possible. I feel it coming soon. It is this time that the relationship with people grows wildly and richly.

At the end of the summer fall will set in and soon we will all disappear one by one into the world. We'll go our separate ways. And as the leaves fade from their beautiful oranges, yellows, and reds to brown, so our relationships will slowly pass as well.

Then sets in winter. I am dreading this part. For at the end of the summer, I will be alone. I will no longer have people in my space, no one to sing songs with, no one to sit and watch movies or play Mar(e)-io Kart with. I will sit down to a dinner alone.

But with the winter comes promise of the spring. A promise for new people in my life to grow with, get to know, and in the end go through the seasons.

I just wish that for once in my life people wouldn't pass through my life as the year passes through the seasons.

O brother man, fold to thy heart thy brother;

For where love dwells, the peace of God is there;

I shall continue enjoying the company of such wonderful people, though the future looms. God, grant me the strength.

"All I ever wanted was to see you smile..."

Deep down it is true, I am a romantic.

I love hand-written letters. I love walks in the rain. I love when people take my breath away.

Deep down it is true, I am emo.

I am frequently sad. I frequently cry. I am frequently bothered by worldwide problems.

Thus I mentally medicate. I numb my keen sense to notice everything. It is for my own sake really.

" Some days I'm choking in my medicated world."

As a child I thought of killing myself. I was 10.

As I get older, I realize life does not ease up. Life throws the curve balls just the same. The thing that is different is that I am not an child and I now "take care" of myself.

In watching the movie "A Single Man" I completely understood. My life is very much like that minus the homosexuality.

Inter-esting.

"Everything is crisp in the moonlight"

Sometimes I prefer my medicated world to the real thing.

Sometimes the real thing slaps me in the face.

Tonight is one of those nights.

"Now I'm Trying To Get Back"

In middle school we had to read a book titled "The Giver". The giver was the keeper of memories of the past. The rest of society did not bother with these things. As a child I loved this book. Memories were a thing to be cherished.

Overall, I excessively reflect upon my life. What I mean is I carefully analyze how I've gotten to where I am, focus on predicting where I am going, and re-live parts of my past frequently. Sometimes memories haunt me, sometimes they are a warm comfort.

I have several bad memories which pang the deepest recesses of my heart. The most recent being the day my recent (like so over a year ago... *sigh* silly me) ex boyfriend decided that I wasn't good enough and the days, weeks, and months that followed. These are bad memories for the pain they caused for so long. Time heals though and it is nice to be able to put it nearly to rest. Others range from the loss of life-- not human but things I have seen die, often by my own hands. These memories remind me of the guilt of poor actions. An example of such was the time I brutally murdered a grasshopper with latex paint. I slowly watched such a fragile creature die because of my brief desires towards destroying. Other bad memories stem from my childhood and those are often best forgotten.

Good memories are a deep joy. These range to happy moments with boyfriends, to kick-ass times with my sister, to late nights with my brother and fun times with friends. These memories are fuel, the exception to the norm, my hopes.....

In all honesty without good memories I do not see the point of continuing on with life. If I cannot pick something from my past that enthralls me, that reminds me of how exhilarating living is, how joyous all the little relationships with people were and are and will be....then I cease to have hope.

God called me long ago, when I barely knew or comprehended the idea of a "god". I failed to attempt suicide when I was merely 10 years old because I was convinced that someone out there loved me...that their life would somehow be incomplete without me. I don't mean this in a sappy sense but in the way that "As iron sharpens iron, so a man sharpens another".

I suppose the "big idea" of this post is that memories are fundamental to the human experience. Though there are bad memories, these memories are apart of me, a driving force of change.

For now I can be thankful for where I am and from the long line of unfortunate events I have spawned from, and gratefully look towards the future with hope in unspoken promises.