"But it was not your fault but mine, and it was your heart on the line. I really fucked it up this time didn't I, my dear?"

09 JUN 2008

This date would have just been another birthday to my brother. Though I miss my brother dearly, this post is not about him. 

During the summer of 2008 I wrote a young man over 80 handwritten letters through the mail. About a month or two into the relationship we were forced to part for the summer. I lived north of Kansas City and he lived in the deep south of the great state of Missouri. Before we parted, I stated I would write him everyday-- since I did not know if I'd be able to speak to him over the course of the summer via the internet. It was a rough summer,  moving back into my parents' and working outside in the dreadful heat. We ended up chatting most days via the internet (since my parents had installed wi-fi, which I felt was a way to keep me from asking to use the internet incessantly, and this installment made me very pleased). 

Each night before bed I would pour my soul into these letters, despite the fact I chatted with him every day. I spent most the summer without his voice, without his smell, without his comforting arms and in writing him I felt closer. If one could read the letters, letters in which I hope the said man still has, they would see nothing shy of love and devotion. The whole circumstance was quite romantic, except for the fact I never received any letters. My parents would tell me I was foolish; that I was investing too much time in a boy that didn't feel the same. The fact that this might be true bothered me, but irregardless I had told him I would write him everyday and so I did. 

In returning back to the date above: this is the post mark of the only letter I received back from him. It brought me such happiness. I would read it frequently, and enjoy the smell of his cologne sprayed on a Kleenex. The letter was sweet, and beautiful. I treasured it dearly. (This often happens when you haven't really gotten much of anything from the object of your affections.) I still treasure this letter to this day, knowing that the words contained within it no longer ring true from its sender , but as a reminder of what it felt like to be adored and loved. 

I went to visit said gentleman around the fourth of July. It was a big deal I had gotten the holiday weekend off, since I worked at a historical site that would see a boost in visitors over the holiday. I carefully made plans and I went to see him. I couldn't take being away from him all summer. I missed all of him. In the whole internet chatting I never got to see him, hear him, smell him, etc. All my senses were lacking his presence. The trip made me exceptionally nervous. I purchased an entirely new wardrobe such that I could be seen in a positive light by his family. I enjoyed most of my trip, however his mother never seemed to care for my presence. In fact she never came to like me, a fact that would continue to break my heart. I returned from the trip nervous, as I had felt my impression had not been as good as I had hoped (though I tried very hard to make a good impression yet still be my own). 

During my return my uncle had passed away. My parents were angry with me for my lack of "feelings" for an uncle I hardly knew (along with a few other factors). Upon them leaving for the funeral I had to deal with my boyfriend, whom upon my visiting had enticed his mother to ask him serious questions about me, questions no one dating for three months would readily have the answers for. He nearly broke up with me because he wasn't sure that he wished to put in the work required to marry me, as opposed to someone who had a "peachy perfect background". The break-up wouldn't come for another nine months. 

The letter he sent me that summer was my glimmer of hope in him. A reminder of the glimmer of potential I had seen in him all along. It reminded me of the sweetness and calmness I found so alluring in him. He titled it "In Defence of My Love" (yes he did misspell that word, which is quite odd considering his usual knack for spelling). 

Many things stick out in the letter that I felt he forgot over time. 

"You are both good to and for me."

And indeed I was. I loved him dearly despite gashing flaws to his perfection. This one was particularly endearing (and again forgotten):

"In short, I see no reason not to love, adore, and be just as good as I can be to you. For you are something wonderful in my life Ms. _____."

In the end I wonder if his eloquent words were not half the reason I stayed, and the other half between God and I. 

In conclusion I really hope when he looks back, and I hope he does that he will see through the 80+ letters I wrote how much indeed I was a wonderful addition to his life. If I'm lucky, perhaps some man will come around who recognizes that I would make a wonderful addition to his life, and remember it for a long, long time. 

As for G, I leave you the title to sing. 

2011: The Year of Consequences

We are officially past the winter solstice, a fact that my poor leafy plants are greatly excited about. I sincerely hope they will deal well enough with the lack of sufficient light for just a little longer. I do dearly care for my little angels. (hehe I called my plants angels. They are indeed saint-like in their forgiveness.)

The up and coming year will require a great deal of diligence on my part. This past year has seemed rather reckless especially in the last four to five months of the year. I have been reckless in my spending, reckless in my schoolwork, and reckless in my dating life. 

Upon moving to the "birthplace of aviation", aka Ohio, I acquired a credit card for the purpose of moving to Ohio and getting settled. This was not the worst idea I had, but after I was settled, I continued to spend, and spend, and spend. At points I was spending my monthly pay from my checking account and then spending about two weeks worth of my pay every month on my credit card. This of course was disastrously stupid. I saw, I wanted, I bought. (Makes me sound like a modern Caesar...). This all has come to a peak here in December where I have reached my credit limit.

So two-thousand-and-eleven (and even parts of 2012) will be a year of the grand budget! I have worked hard on providing a suitable budget for the coming years in order to reduce my debt and live in my means (which is completely do-able). I will allot myself a certain amount for food AND additional expenditures. This may seem absolutely awful to have a food budget (and it is!) it will force me to do what I do best--plan ahead. I think it will force me to be more conscious and efficient with my funds. If I didn't have all the credit card debt imagine what I could do with the extra 300 I'm spending to pay it off each month! I greatly look forward to being debt free...but the battle is long and I must persevere and remain focused.

Now we come to the part about academics. I have just completed my first semester of graduate school. It was everything shy of disaster. Over the course of the semester I was forced to drop a course which has hit me both academically and financially (I will have to retake it in the summer for over 2k). This alone was devastating since I have never been in the position of needing to drop a course for my own academic survival. Furthermore I placed half my attention on my classes, should have studied more, and failed to pay attention in class. This resulted in a GPA lower than the required 3.0 to stay in my graduate program. Thus next semester I will be placed on academic probation. 

Academic probation is in all accounts unideal. Not only must I get good grades in the Spring of 2011, I must get good enough grades that my cumulative GPA is 3.0 or higher. I must have a 3.33 to meet the requirements. This is a B+ average at my university. My goal this coming semester will be to understand my coursework, care about my coursework, establish strong studying habits, and pursue beyond my 3.33 goal. The road will not be easy with the added complication of research. Furthermore, the course I dropped (with 2 weeks remaining) is fundamental in my research. I must fully grasp a deep understanding and application techniques of a class in which I had to drop for the lack of understanding of the subject matter.  Focus, focus, focus. I look forward to proving that I am indeed worth the assistantship that covers my schooling. 

Lastly I come to my dating life. In September, my boyfriend of over a year had broken up with me. We had spent the whole year apart, sharing our troubles and joys over the phone. With the increased pressures of grad school he cut off the relationship. Naturally I did not take this gently. I cried, I suffered from a depressed mood, and my desires to do anything subsided. Shortly after this I dated a man whom I'd say was disastrous to my finances and my schooling. Over the course of two months, I spent most my weekends beyond drunk and I did nothing over the weekends toward school. E and I would go out to eat, where I'd find myself in the predicament of paying or going dutch (about 75 percent of the time). Doing this several times a week, along with buying liquor drinks at bars was costly and half ruined my finances. In a nutshell, I was everything I didn't want to be. 

Currently I enjoy the companionship of a homebody. An individual who is cautious and wise. I greatly appreciate his insight, his suggestions, and advice. Despite my love of alcohol, I have been sober for several weeks without it thus far. At this point it is an unnecessary expense and does not help me pursue my academic goals. Maybe I'll have a glass of wine every now and then. :-) Furthermore, I am back to working on friendships (which can cost money...yet again *sigh* but these are much better). 

Thus as one can see, reckless behavior has consequences. If the recklessness is discovered and fully realized it is possible to recover from such. As Henry Ford once said, "Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently." I could not agree more. 

Thus 2011 will be not only a year of consequences, but a year of intelligence. 

Happy New Year everyone. 

"A man without a wife is like a vase without flowers." ~African Proverb

With the many engagements I have been surrounded by, and the many up and coming weddings I decided to look up some quotes about marriage. 


These quotes really made me think. First the one in the title-- "A man without a wife is like a vase without flowers" or put another way-- "A woman without a husband is like flowers without a vase". Either case I think we begin to see a few things. First, men are useful on their own. They don't need wives persay but having one makes a world of difference. Women are beautiful in their own right as well. However, bringing the two together completes the whole ensemble. 


"Don't marry the person you think you can live with; marry only the individual you think you can't live without."  ~James C. Dobson



This quote really hit me. Often I find myself going through the whole dating thing with the idea: "Can I picture myself living with this person for 50 years?". Often this is a daunting question and usually the answer is no or maybe. 


The idea of not being able to live without someone in my life makes some sense, but in all honesty the thought is absolutely terrifying. What if they die? What if they don't feel the same? So many doubts hit me in the consideration of searching for someone I have lived 22 years of my life without. What makes them so special?


Of course if you look up quotes about marriage you will get a wide spectrum of views. These range from the "marriage is prison" to "marriage is bliss". It is difficult to discern if marriage is ideal or not. 


However, all doubts I know I wish to be married. This is based off logic and based on what I feel deep down. Some of my hearts desires stem from the idea of being married. (How am I suppose to be a good witness to teens in the foster system if I never marry?) Other  reasonings stem from my partial dislike to living alone. More often than not it is a terrible inconvenience to deal with leftovers, cleaning everything myself, and to have no one to be there to remind me to be a good housekeeper. Plus at the end of the day I want to know that I'm expected to watch someone's back as I expect them to watch mine. 


Alas I leave with this:


"Love is blind, but marriage restores its sight."  ~Samuel Lichtenberg

"I just want someone to say to me no, oh, oh, oh I'll always be there when you wake, yea-ah"

Today I wish to post a youtube video that really fits how I'm feeling:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3qVPNONdF58

"All I can say is that my life is pretty plain"

Now to the meat. Today it shall be a list:

1. I, the Caged Bird, have rediscovered the beauty of silence. There is something soothing about it. I can think and focus. However, it is best spent in great company.
2. Great conversation, perforated with silence is exquisite. That combined with a great listener is even better. 
3. It is wonderful to have someone to speak to about things that really bother me-- and then to know they are laughing at me deep inside. It reminds me that I stress out too much about unimportant things.
4. Going out with the girls is nice. I wish I knew a few more. 
5. Making new friends is a wonderful new hobby of mine. ^_^
6. It is great to be reading more frequently. I am currently in the book "The Picture of Dorian Gray" which you can find on-line here: http://www.online-literature.com/wilde/dorian_gray/ . It is an interesting study thus far about the effects of our actions upon our souls. I strongly suggest it already (but then again I am a big fan of Victorian Literature to begin with). My next endeavor after this novel is to tackle Vanity Fair (the book not the mag.). 
7. I enjoy playing my ukulele, and I have been trying to get my strumming down...still working on that. Songs I am currently looking into playing are: "No Rain" by Blind Mellon, "Pretty Woman" by Roy Orbison, "Come On Eileen" by Dexy's Midnight Runners, and "Wonderwall" by Oasis. Eventually I'll be a pro! (Not likely.)
8. I sometimes like to place people in two mental boxes that do not usually cross correlate. 
9. Research should be interesting I hope. The one of 13 papers I have read seemed alright. :-P
10. Sometimes things are more exciting when they are kept from everyone else. I have greatly enjoyed this pleasure of secret keeping recently. Though this particular instance I speak of is not entirely kept from everyone, it is still exhilarating. 
11. I deeply desire my running body back. It is embarrassing to get my butt kicked in the gym by females. I will get there in time. In time. 
12. Overall I am happy, pleased, content, elated, exultant, jubilant, delighted, and vivacious.

Truth be told, I use thesauruses.

I am excited about the holiday season this year, strangely enough. Perhaps it is the beautiful faux tree in my living space.

Sometimes I feel like this:

"The girl laughed again. The joy of a caged bird was in her voice. Her eyes caught the melody and echoed it in radiance, then closed for a moment, as though to hide their secret. When they opened, the mist of a dream had passed across them."

~The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde

"Something in the way she knows, And all I have to do is think of her."

Today's quote comes from a friend, who recently sung this song in front of me (the reader should just look up the song, cause I'm not telling). Not to say it was for me, I don't know, but it was a soothing to hear, soothing to soak in. It reminded me to not fret, to cease panicking. It reminded me that in the end, everything would work out. It half has.

Negativity gets the best of us sometimes. It gets the best of me. Often it overpowers me in times of frustration and the feelings of a loss of control and understanding have occured-- as if a mini earthquake has destroyed my little castles.  It can become an overwhelming force leaving us as victims in its wake.

"Anger always comes from frustrated expectations"

~Elliott Larson 

My life today is balanced.
A research topic was picked. In fact it was really easy. I owe that to two of my fellow graduate students who over the past days have been tremendous ears and for asking the right questions. There is so much off my shoulders knowing that is decided and I am not being pressured to choose. I am pleased with the people I'll be working with (aka advisors) and I think the topic will be interesting enough. At least the topic is mine and I am it's.

My apartment is immaculate. It is practically sparkling. My bed is made, my laundry is folded (soon to hopefully be put away), my counters bleached. (Call me weird but I have always liked the smell of Chlorine. Swimming pools anyone?) My dishes are washed, my trash is gone, and everything is in its place. Harmony exists here, around me in pure cleanly bliss.

My checking account is in order. I am resisting the urge to spend. I hope to continue this til May. I need to avoid it. I need to get myself back in the world of debit and out of the world of credit. I will make it out. I will control my spending.

Furthermore, I've been slightly more forward with one of my friends. To my happiness they haven't backed down but met me with the same forwardness in return. I am making new friends--friends away from the ones I developed in the past few months through a guy I was seeing and am no longer seeing. It is always funny how crisp I can remember some initial meetings, while others I can not recall despite how hard I try.

I am encouraged today. The weather was pleasantly warm.

Sure the pressures of success of failure are heavy. Sure my romantic life isn't where I'd like it to be. Sure the earth sucks, otherwise we'd fall off...

But.

But getting out of bed isn't so bad all the time. I will be burned, I will be hurt, I will cry---but I will also gain, feel happiness, and laugh as if everything is a comedy. I'll dance and play and work and strive.

One day I hope there will be a man, who will be everything I want. I just hope he is willing to accept me fully with all my faults and vices. At least right now I have friends who love me regardless. That is something to be thankful for.

I believe negativity shows our ugliest sides. It is a public display of our insecurities, our fears, and our sorrows.

I shall end on a quote about harmony that I really liked:

"Harmony is pure love, for love is a concerto."

~Lope de Vega

"Maybe tomorrow, the good Lord will take you away.."

I'm tired.

I don't want to do this anymore. I really could care less about the amount of charged stored in a capacitor in series with two other capacitors in parallel.

Every fiber in my being wants to quit everything.

I can't focus on this stuff. This is NOT what I want to be doing. I'm all in a tizzy really.

I chose this school because they chose me. I am frustrated. There isn't a single research topic I'm interested in that is currently available. I can't even get the research advisor I want. *sigh*

Yet as much as I want to quit, I can't. I cannot afford to quit anymore than I can afford to fork up 2000 dollars to retake a class. I want to scream.

Furthermore, I can't even focus enough to balance my checkbook properly. I spend my nights alone with 80's music.

You ask me what I want and I'd tell you that I want to sleep. I want to sleep and not wake up. I'm tired of putting my heart and myself out there. I'm tired of people telling me I have potential, when in all honesty I don't see it. I'm tired of feeling alone and unwanted and useless.

Grad school has shown me that I still can't make lasting friendships, that I suck at romance, and that for once I may just have to settle with a future I'm not looking forward to. Fuck.

It is moments like these that I question God's intent for my life. Have I not suffered enough? Why fill me with hope to leave me on an island?

It is too much to ask for a husband who loves me? It is too much to ask for the ability to make friends and deep relationships with people near me?

Perhaps this is why I cannot focus. My life is in disarray. The edges of my sanity are fraying. I'm frantically tying and tying and tying. I just worry I won't be able to keep up, and eventually the whole garment will fray and extreme panic will set in.

I hate getting up in the morning. I do my make-up, I try to be happy. I try to focus and it all fails. My harmony is lost. My balance is no where to be found. I'm grabbing at things in the dark and getting nothing.

Deep down I just want loved. I want someone to wake up next to me in the morning who tells me I'm pretty and encourages me to be my best and guides me to see the potential in myself I cannot. Someone who instills in me the desire to be my best, to pursue my dreams, to cast down my crown of depression...

It is agonizing.

Apparently this is too much to ask. Thanks God for fucking with me, and you wonder why I get so angry with you.

"If I think too much about all of those Chinese factories.."

"..where all the stuff in a Wal-Mart is made, I get that woozy feeling you get when you see ducks covered in crude oil."
Doug Coupland



I have decided to avoid ever shopping at a Wal-Mart again. If Americans saw the damages of Wal-mart as they saw the damages of the BP oil spill....I think they'd be absolutely outraged.

Tonight I watched a documentary on Wal-mart, and quite frankly it is sickening. One statistic mentioned was that  the Walton family has given back 1%  to charities and Bill Gates gives 58% of his earnings back to charity.

This is sickening, repulsive, and disgusting.

There are offenses in connection with the following:
1. Cheating employees out of overtime, full time employment (such as working 38 hrs a week but not 40), and good health benefits
2. Costing the tax payer billions of dollars by forcing many of their employees (and in fact encouraging them) to go on Medicaid.
3. Decreasing the value of local businesses within an already established community.
4. Poor environmental practices.
5. Treating factory workers in other parts of the world inhumanely.

The list really goes on.

I worked for Wal-Mart for one summer. It is the worst place I have ever worked for in my life. I have jokingly called Wal-Mart "Satan's Palace" for years. Now I fully realize this name is true.

If you are interested in the the documentary I watched the title is:

Wal-Mart: The High Cost of Low Price

http://www.walmartmovie.com/


If you read my blog I strongly encourage you to do your own research. I'd ask you to NOT shop at Wal-mart. Support a company who supports their employees. Support a company that really gives back to the community.

Next time you considering going to Wal-mart because they have the cheapest prices around, ask yourself if it is worth supporting a corporation I'd pair with a huge lack of morality. Don't you think it would be worth paying a hair extra?

I suppose what I ask is that you, reader, along with me boycott Wal-mart.