"You belong among the wildflowers. You belong in a boat out at sea..."

There was a man all alone; 
   he had neither son nor brother. 
There was no end to his toil, 
   yet his eyes were not content with his wealth. 
“For whom am I toiling,” he asked, 
   “and why am I depriving myself of enjoyment?” 
This too is meaningless— 
   a miserable business!

--Ecclesiastes 4:8

In the bible, the first thing that God recognizes as "not good" is for man to be alone. If God was enough for Adam, why did he make Eve?

I worry that my life will be filled with this "not good" of loneliness. I worry so much that it is me. I'm crazy, abrasive, annoying, and apparently far too talkative.  Lately I have been spending a great deal of time alone. At the same time I have tried desperately to remain as quiet as possible at school. I know they get tired of me talking, but as much as I just want someone to listen to me and tell me all my worries are okay, I continue to deny myself this. They don't care nor do they wish to hear about it. 

This past winter I had a friend that would occasionally come and watch a television show with me. I enjoyed their company, but I haven't seen them in weeks. It has been ages since my female friend and I have just "hung out". 

When I was at SBU I always knew that if I needed someone to talk to or just sit with me that I would find someone who would do so. Right now I'm hundreds of miles from anyone who'd drop what they were doing to spend an hour or two with me. I really miss that. 

When I was growing up I always had my siblings to keep me company. When I was blue my sister was always there to comfort me. My brother was always there to chat with. They grow older and are starting families of their own, thus have less time. I miss talking to my brother after work before we'd go in the house. I miss going to the movies with my sister.

I guess part of getting older is realizing that while the companionship is still needed, the opportunities grow slimmer. 

"Her smile is more precious than the sparkle of pearls"

I'm sad.

I'm certain my life is a continuous battle against depression.

"I play it off but I'm dreamin of you I'll keep my cool but I'm feigning "

A friend of mine, who in the past month or two had a break-up came to a great realization this past weekend. He realized that the girl he was involved with could not be the sole source of his happiness and it was unfair to expect her to be so.

As I experience March free of boyfriends (though there is one I wish I had.... but we won't go into that) I realize that without one, I have grown to remember the many things that have brought me happiness. Happiness that isn't tied to any individual.

For example in my depression of sorts I bought far too many plants. I can say I do dearly love my plants. I have taken great care to nurture them to grow their very best.

Another example: In speaking to a female friend of mine I remember stating how relaxing folding paper was and how much I enjoyed it. I finally ordered myself some basic paper to fold with.

I have come to realize that what I am going to grad school for excites me, intrigues me and challenges me but it is not my heart. My heart desires art, nature, music....

However, I often feel guilty in pursuing these things that enrich my spirit. Usually this is when I should be doing work. Quite often I'd rather paint, draw, garden, write, dance, run, feel the wind across my face, listen to the rain and learn that song I want to sing to a man I'm in love with on my ukulele. Despite the guilt, I know that these things along with my peers, keep me sane.

We must remember that life is so much richer if we include the things we enjoy. Art reminds me that beauty isn't reserved for perfection. Quite often the beautiful things in life are not sharp edges ( I often think leaves are the most perfect shape ever) or perfect even numbers. The world is so irrational and so breathtaking!

I hope that I will marry a man someday who has hobbies that greatly enrich his life.

For now I want to run to the App Mountains and breathe the clean fresh air. I cannot wait for perfect painting weather. I have the urge to run and laugh and play in the rain. Cats, I've got to get one of those.

Taking Tests....

Tomorrow I take a test that I feel has been unjustly placed. Tuesday was the first indication of our progress in the course and since then we have had less than 48 hours to study for a major midterm. After suffering from a migraine most of the day, I have spent the evening doing my best to study for a test I feel drastically under-prepared for.

However, I also realize I've done far too much complaining this week. Yes it has been incredibly stressful with two major midterms and a lab report due, but there is no need to fuss and fight. Sometimes we must play our cards and hope (and pray lots) that in the end we come out even or better.

The funny thing is that most everyone else taking this test will be in the same boat as myself. Grad school has a bad habit of making many people feel stupid.

Feeling stupid makes me cry, especially if the feeling is overwhelming. A fair amount of my confidence lies in my academic abilities. For the first time in my life I have little to no confidence in my ability to perform as a graduate student. I have thought numerous times of dropping out, but I know this is what I want to do. I look forward to getting more in depth into my research. I am very excited about my research. I have made it through far too many trials to falter here.

I can at least say I have done my best to give my best this semester. I really have. I thought of dropping out of the optics program and changing my direction completely. Analytical or physical chemistry, entomology, or even being a dentist (the last one is because the dentist takes so much of my money!). I intend on finishing my degree. I can do this. :)

In other news, I have been sifting and sifting and slowly building courage to go forth in my romantic pursuits.  Hopefully things work out.

"I got this feelin' inside night and day and, and now I can't take it no more"

"If I kind of like a guy, then I'm a fantastic flirt. But with a guy I truly like, I get painfully shy."
Shannen Doherty

When it comes to men, I generally have no issues. I get along with them just fine. I have many male friends. However, when it comes to speaking up with my thoughts and feelings I am by far one of the most shy individuals there exists. 


This extreme shyness is a direct result of never winning. More often than not things don't work out, they aren't interested, and I have left myself open, vulnerable and figuratively bleeding. My pride is very fragile after so many failed relationships.


I do not hold myself in high regard. Why should I? I am moderately attractive at best, I'm intelligent, socially incompetent and eccentric... 


Who wants someone so eccentric? 


Furthermore, even if I get to confidence to express myself, am I really worth their time? I often feel that those I date settle on me, since I am the best opportunity at the time. Over time they realize they can do "better". 


Who wants someone with a screwed up childhood, deep rooted  emotional demons, and  who struggles to wake up in the mornings on occasion because of depression? Who wants someone whom others believe is spacy, cheezy, and over-emotional? 


Who am I that I should be the one people are crazy about? 


I like to believe I pick poorly, sometimes I'm not so sure. More often I believe it is me. More often than not, I'm not perfect. 


How can I even fathom expressing my feelings to someone whom I look up to, who brings me happiness, and for whom I am likely everything they never wanted?


I am nothing special. I'm no princess. There is no knight that wants to whisk me away into a sunset. I have always been the backburner girlfriend....perhaps that is for a reason... me.