"Thinkin' about us, what we gonna be?"

I am sad tonight. Sometimes this happens, it overcomes me suddenly like jumping into an icy pool to have the coldness rush over you. 

Perhaps it is the criticism of the recent ex. 

Perhaps it is that I'm simply worn out from putting myself out there. I am worn out from dating the wrong people. 

I don't want to change who I am. I want to be loved for my naked personality. I want to be embraced by someone who loves me for who I am, not who they wish I could be. 

I keep telling myself I am not in a rush to marry. I am not ready to marry. 

I guess I wonder, like all my past relationships, if what I have right now will last-- will be worth the journey. 

Either way God has a purpose for everything right? 

He has a purpose for me watching my younger siblings marry before me. 

He has a purpose in having me sexually molested by my birth father as a child.

He has a purpose in that I cannot get along with my adoptive parents. 

He has a purpose for me. 

I keep telling myself I am worth something in God's kingdom. Though more often than not I have doubts. I wonder if I am to be tossed aside with the goats. 

I am so hopeful. I look forward to enjoying my life with my husband. I look forward to having children whom I already love with my whole heart. I want to dance. I want to sing. I want to run on an autumn day. 

My world is so idealized. Sometime reality is such a disappointment. 

Grr....

There is a reason I don't tell my parents about my "personal life".

Just so they get the facts clear, the last TWO boyfriends I have had have dumped me.

******END OF FRUSTRATION RANT*******

Candles

I need to stop this burning the candle at both ends. Though really, have you ever seen a candle burn at both ends?

I haven't either.

Today I got my first grad level test back. I scored a 58/100. Glorious.

I remind myself that I am not a quitter. I am a fighter. When life throws you lemons you spite the world and like lemons. (For some reason that sounds incredibly funny at this hour.)

I guess this is my wake up call. I'm playing with the big dogs now. My old (lack thereof serious) study habits aren't going to cut it. I cannot just sit in class and soak. I must dig.

There is so much to put together in my life right now. I have been unfocused for far too long. Focus Erica.

Coming back to candles (for I know I'm rambling but I have to relax if I am to sleep)....I like them. I like candle lit services. What this has to do with my study habits beats me.

Perhaps I need to stop living like a candle. I burn and burn and burn and burn and burn and burn and burn. I sit and wait while my life evaporates slowly----and I melt to the point of nearing a point where the wax spills everywhere. How does a candle burn slower? I have never explored this question, but I guess a better question would be how can I live my life so that I am not evaporating from both ends?

Time management. What an awful concept. (I've never liked it and my mother has been screaming it at me since I was twelve.)

Focus Erica.

Things I need to focus on:

1. School: despite how I really want to live the undergraduate life I never had....I must focus better on my schoolwork. I cannot afford another defeat. I do not want to cut myself off from the prize. I am here to learn.

2. Faith: God and I are slowly becoming friends again. Though I'm sure he's twisting my arm somewhere....

3. Social life: I need to give this more focused attention but less time I believe.

4. Cleaning my apartment: for as much as I wish it would clean itself...

Back to candles. Burn bright or burn dim? Hmmm.

I hope I dream of candles tonight out of optical systems. I will fade into the deep darkness focusing on the flickering of their beautiful flames.

I really should become full fledged Orthodox...for they have candles.

"This little light of mine, I'm going to let it shine, let it shine, let it shine."

God, people are greedy.
(If you missed that jump since I'm exceptionally scattered tonight--- A candle does not lose light in lighting another candle, yet we as humans tend to want to store up our light (goods, services, faith, etc) as if it were shared we'd somehow have less).

All things good tonight would be lit by candle light. Sadly I hardly have any candles. :-(

Anyways bed, candle dreams, and a glimpse into the scattered brain of the CagedBird.

A Farewell to Drinky McVomit

I am a big fan of drinking. I really really like alcohol. However, I have decided after several episodes that perhaps I should say farewell to my drinking self. 

There is no easy way to say this. I make a terrible drunk and it may very well have cost me.

Recently, I have greatly enjoyed the company of a fine man whom will be referred to as E. He often invites me out on weekends where I proceed to embarrass him in front of his friends, spill liquor everywhere, and insult him. 

This is a tragedy. Absolute tragedy. 

I may have single handedly lost my shot. I really like this guy. Yes, he's a little on the pudgy side, but in all honesty I really don't care. For the first time I really couldn't care and besides does it really matter in the long haul? (He dresses better than most guys anyways.) The more I know about him and learn about him the more fascinating he is. E is terribly interesting, a really nice guy (he's really put up with me pretty well), and he is smart (and we all know how I like the smart ones-- he's a rocket scientist :-)  ). 

E is filled with sustenance. He is good in giving, and good in taking. He's relaxed and it relaxes me to be in his company. He is patient, and seems to like my quarks. He has a great smile, a wonderful laugh (that goes well with his sense of humor), and he plays cards. 

I guess the reason I say farewell to "Drinky McVomit" is I realize that before me is something I wish to have, and I am or may have already pushed it away. 

And as much as I enjoy drinking, it is not worth losing the company of a very intriguing man who makes me smile.  

"Always the Bridesmaid, Never the Bride"

My baby sister, (remember I am just 22) recently got engaged and I get to be the maid of honor. It is not the first time I have been asked to be a maid of honor (I've never been asked to be a bridesmaid...hmm). The fact my sister is going to be getting married soon comes as no shock to me, but I cannot help but be disappointed. Don't get me wrong, I am stoked and happy for my sister, I'm just not happy about myself.

My history of relationships does not extend to a great number of people. As one guy said to me I am a "serial monogamist". I think that is an accurate description. I have long relationships. Perhaps I am willing to make anything work and work hard to make it do so, or I get boring over time. I'm not entirely sure why all my relationships cannot withstand lasting much past the "year" time frame.  Being analytical in nature, I have scoured all the possibilities and am still left empty handed and wondering.

Now you may be wondering about the title, since if you haven't caught on yet, I mostly use song lyrics (mostly, there are clear exceptions). However, today this is one of those exceptions. When I was in high school and ran cross country and track my father made it to several of my meets during the season. He was never fully satisfied with my races and thought that I should also be dissatisfied. He was generally encouraging, but his dissatisfaction had its reasoning. I never really won many races. More often than not I'd come in anywhere between 2nd to 4th. My father often would tell me: "Always the Bridesmaid, Never the Bride". Of course I never thought second was terrible.

Thinking back to the phrase I so often heard from my father directed only towards me (I have two younger siblings--one being the marrying sister, the other my already married brother who is a father now) I wonder if the phrase isn't true for other areas for my life. It is clear that right now in my life I am not a bridesmaid, but a maid of honor. There are countless things I excel at, and nothing I am the "Bride" of. It begs me to question if I am honestly a second-seeking missile.  Furthermore, I question if I hold myself back from being my best because I am terrified of being the Bride. This is very much a possibility.

When one attends a wedding there is one central character, one minor character, and a bunch of fill ins. The Bride runs the show, has all the eyes, and consumes the minds of those in the audience. Bridesmaids stand beside the bride, visible and beautiful but less stunning than the bride, and attract little to no attention except from guys looking for a target. (Guys looking for a target...hmm. I wonder why I said that. I'll have to ponder that rabbit trail later.) Perhaps that is why I enjoy taking the "maid of honor" approach to life, it allows me to receive the highest "award" with the most cover.

I have never been a person comfortable with the swarming attention of many people. I like to sit casually back and be the dependable one. I've never been comfortable being "the best". There is too much attention assigned to it. I never ran as fast as I probably could have--- I always felt strong finishing. In pursuing my BS (which I now have ^_^ ) I could have pulled off better grades-- but I didn't choose to. I never pursued my dreams to their full extent either. Perhaps I have found a major flaw in myself.

Could it be that I simply enjoy being the Bridesmaid, because I am too afraid of being the Bride? I think it is very possible. God. To think if I have done this well just being the Bridesmaid, imagine how dangerous I'd be as the Bride.

Now back to Bridesmaid stuff.