"Thinkin' about us, what we gonna be?"

I am sad tonight. Sometimes this happens, it overcomes me suddenly like jumping into an icy pool to have the coldness rush over you. 

Perhaps it is the criticism of the recent ex. 

Perhaps it is that I'm simply worn out from putting myself out there. I am worn out from dating the wrong people. 

I don't want to change who I am. I want to be loved for my naked personality. I want to be embraced by someone who loves me for who I am, not who they wish I could be. 

I keep telling myself I am not in a rush to marry. I am not ready to marry. 

I guess I wonder, like all my past relationships, if what I have right now will last-- will be worth the journey. 

Either way God has a purpose for everything right? 

He has a purpose for me watching my younger siblings marry before me. 

He has a purpose in having me sexually molested by my birth father as a child.

He has a purpose in that I cannot get along with my adoptive parents. 

He has a purpose for me. 

I keep telling myself I am worth something in God's kingdom. Though more often than not I have doubts. I wonder if I am to be tossed aside with the goats. 

I am so hopeful. I look forward to enjoying my life with my husband. I look forward to having children whom I already love with my whole heart. I want to dance. I want to sing. I want to run on an autumn day. 

My world is so idealized. Sometime reality is such a disappointment.