"I sometimes find you and I collide " Sadly you wanted something elastic.

They say no man is an island, but more often than not I feel like an island.

I have a confession. I'm certain I suffer from some form of depression, that I have a low self-esteem, and I am never fully certain anyone ever likes me. I have serious trust issues.

Confession 2: I ignore that anything in my first confession is true.

In all respects it is easier to think that I am not blue or lonely. I attempt to do everything to surround myself with people. I know it is best for me.

My inner thoughts make me question my sanity-- for to live is to frankly suffer longer.

Now suffering is good and all. I should clarify. Suffering has its meaning, its points, its lessons. Inherently suffering in my mind isn't a product of evil, but a natural often occurring phenomenon. It happens. From what we suffer becomes the unbearable part.

I've thought of various ways to curb my loneliness and really... nothing has been found that works. Alcohol keeps me from remembering my ex-boyfriend--- or perhaps he is never on my mind when I drink. Either way. I try not to use alcohol this way. I fear being lonely AND an alcoholic.

 I usually attempt more constructive methods, which do not relieve my loneliness but make it much more enjoyable to suffer in. Music is an example. While it might remind me of what I've lost, what I am missing out on, music reminds me that I am not alone in thinking.

I'd write my future husband letters if I actually believed he existed. I guess it is more that I need convincing he actually exists anymore...and that my desires to be married to a godly, good, man are not disillusion of my own working. Then again I'm not good enough-- ask my ex-boyfriend.

Rambling is a result of being upset for me. I just need to get things off my chest so to speak. If no one cares to listen at least the internet will still accept my posts. Ha! It can't escape.

And the Title. A poor jab at the ex-boyfriend-- because I'm upset and he's an easy target. Shame on me. When the rain comes I'm sure he wouldn't offer an umbrella.

"People are People"

Today I look back at the past year of my life. This time last year I was getting over the biggest heartbreak of my life and interacting with the man whom is now my boyfriend.

The dynamics have changed dramatically over the course of a year between myself and these two men. X promptly removed himself from every possible aspect of my life. He no longer makes any effort...though he made little to begin with.

"Help me understand"

I have stopped letting this tear me apart. I have begun to accept that he doesn't care --- at all. Though we saw each other everyday for class...the interaction was to avoid, to be cold shouldered, and if possible--ignore.

"People are people so why should it be, You and I get along so awfully?"

Then there is my boyfriend of year. We have grown closer, annoyed each other, and bring rays of sunshine to each other. We've spent most of our time apart. We've been there to help prep for new lives in different cities. We've been there for graduation. We've been there in dark moments, happy times, busy and tired. We are still together because unlike X, we realized the importance of communication, we actually care equally for each other, and we practice

Now the reason I can say that this week marks a year dating my boyfriend I only know this because of X.

I guess in retrospect X was fundamental in guiding me to know the right amount of each key ingredient to make a relationship that is healthy, happy, and easy on the stomach.

I bought a car with the help of my boyfriend's American family.

Perhaps, at this moment in my life I am right where I am supposed to be. And for once I feel at ease.

"You became the light on the dark side of me."

Tonight I am reminded of how small and insignificant we are and how light foils darkness.

We watched "Contact". The movie reminds me of how small we are compared to the universe, how people need one another, and how science and faith intertwine. In all respects I really enjoy both science and faith-- they intertwine so beautifully in my mind. It is hard to see how people see them incompatible. I am trying to get back to my faith roots. The road has been long after so much hurt in my life. The other day I was reminded of one of the "E" prophets whom had such a miserable life...yet he knew God had not given him the best lot...but he still followed. Reminds me how reading the bible more frequently is useful in many respects. Though I praise God he's given me a mind to remember these things.

Though the universe is vast and I am a single short individual on such a small insignificant planet...I am significant. I suppose I could be vain or arrogant in this claim however, I was purchased through the death of Jesus Christ. Yet as Christ lives so do I. Sometimes I believe that no one really cares, but in fact I am steady as the background radiation in the radio sky. Anyone who does read this who doesn't understand a little radio astronomy I am sorry.

After looking at the stars for a little bit and the beautiful milky way in which I am a piece of...(I am part of a greater and beautiful whole...think on that) I came inside the dark house.

"My eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen."

Light from anything in the house illuminates everything it touches. Perhaps this is what judgement day is like. The light from Christ will illuminate everything it touches....I just wonder about shadows.

Illuminating my life offers me no hope. I am wasteful. I am greedy yet controlled. I sin.

I am a fan of the effects of light. And when it comes to Christ...I hope his light bleaches the stains of my transgressions.

"Grow me a bed of roses"

Today I received a cd from Joensuu, Findland. The cd is from a band called "Poets of the Fall" that I've been following for several years.

There are several reasons I enjoy their music. First they have a nice mellow rock sound and the vocalist can actually sing.

Second I love their lyrics. In many respects they are true poets. Some examples follow:

" When the love letters face
it's like moving in slow motion
and we're already too late if we arrive at all"

"My worth is the look in your eyes
my prize the smile playing tricks on your lips and
I wonder again
do you ever dream of the world like I do?"

"If I lack your tears of joy, please forgive my heartless ploy
said the fool to his majesty dethroned"

"What do we have but illusions where one man's absolute is another's choice
Giving into confusion. Till love and hate both tempt with the same voice."

Overall they are more hopeful that I have portrayed them.

I guess it is something that has brought joy to my life. I've always enjoyed the physical world. It seems more absolute and more tangible...and leaves me more aware of how things are easily lost, stolen, coveted and reminds me of how much more the intangibles are worth.

I've tried for a while to understand the band's name : Poets of the Fall
Are they speaking of "the fall" of Adam and Eve? Or are they referring to the time of year where everything dies away? They are indeed in my opinion wonderful poets. Something I wish the states had in their mainstream music...deeper more meaningful lyrics. Maybe that is why I like them :)

"Break the Silence, Come Crashing In"

I watched the mountains give into the haze,

And saw the heat rise from the man-made ground.

I'm having trouble listening

To the loneliness that surrounds me.

Sleeping comes too easy when

My mind is drowning in blankness.

Dreams and hardships haunt when least expected

Casually tip-toeing past the the best defenses.

Togetherness with others sobers me up

When being a one-man team means everything.

Guiding the sunlight by its tail

I'll rest when my Prince joins me in my sparkled blanket.

Peace comes rare and in between

Joy is always on the door, knocking

Softly, Gently, Calling my name.

And I, well I hid in the corner wondering

Thoughts are jumbled when the speed of light

Intermingles with the speed of life.

Tonight I stop to pause my thinking

Words come easier when I'm writing

Tomorrow breaches my every morning

Before the birth of a new day

Yesterday is best left forgotten

But years from now it won't be

So give me this day

My daily portion

Forgive me of my wrongdoings too

As I struggle to let go of being wronged

Lead my feet towards good

And free me from evil

For today I believe

May tomorrow I also

"Feelings are intense. Words are trivial. Pleasures remain so does the pain"