"I got this feelin' inside night and day and, and now I can't take it no more"

"If I kind of like a guy, then I'm a fantastic flirt. But with a guy I truly like, I get painfully shy."
Shannen Doherty

When it comes to men, I generally have no issues. I get along with them just fine. I have many male friends. However, when it comes to speaking up with my thoughts and feelings I am by far one of the most shy individuals there exists. 


This extreme shyness is a direct result of never winning. More often than not things don't work out, they aren't interested, and I have left myself open, vulnerable and figuratively bleeding. My pride is very fragile after so many failed relationships.


I do not hold myself in high regard. Why should I? I am moderately attractive at best, I'm intelligent, socially incompetent and eccentric... 


Who wants someone so eccentric? 


Furthermore, even if I get to confidence to express myself, am I really worth their time? I often feel that those I date settle on me, since I am the best opportunity at the time. Over time they realize they can do "better". 


Who wants someone with a screwed up childhood, deep rooted  emotional demons, and  who struggles to wake up in the mornings on occasion because of depression? Who wants someone whom others believe is spacy, cheezy, and over-emotional? 


Who am I that I should be the one people are crazy about? 


I like to believe I pick poorly, sometimes I'm not so sure. More often I believe it is me. More often than not, I'm not perfect. 


How can I even fathom expressing my feelings to someone whom I look up to, who brings me happiness, and for whom I am likely everything they never wanted?


I am nothing special. I'm no princess. There is no knight that wants to whisk me away into a sunset. I have always been the backburner girlfriend....perhaps that is for a reason... me.