"Maybe tomorrow, the good Lord will take you away.."

I'm tired.

I don't want to do this anymore. I really could care less about the amount of charged stored in a capacitor in series with two other capacitors in parallel.

Every fiber in my being wants to quit everything.

I can't focus on this stuff. This is NOT what I want to be doing. I'm all in a tizzy really.

I chose this school because they chose me. I am frustrated. There isn't a single research topic I'm interested in that is currently available. I can't even get the research advisor I want. *sigh*

Yet as much as I want to quit, I can't. I cannot afford to quit anymore than I can afford to fork up 2000 dollars to retake a class. I want to scream.

Furthermore, I can't even focus enough to balance my checkbook properly. I spend my nights alone with 80's music.

You ask me what I want and I'd tell you that I want to sleep. I want to sleep and not wake up. I'm tired of putting my heart and myself out there. I'm tired of people telling me I have potential, when in all honesty I don't see it. I'm tired of feeling alone and unwanted and useless.

Grad school has shown me that I still can't make lasting friendships, that I suck at romance, and that for once I may just have to settle with a future I'm not looking forward to. Fuck.

It is moments like these that I question God's intent for my life. Have I not suffered enough? Why fill me with hope to leave me on an island?

It is too much to ask for a husband who loves me? It is too much to ask for the ability to make friends and deep relationships with people near me?

Perhaps this is why I cannot focus. My life is in disarray. The edges of my sanity are fraying. I'm frantically tying and tying and tying. I just worry I won't be able to keep up, and eventually the whole garment will fray and extreme panic will set in.

I hate getting up in the morning. I do my make-up, I try to be happy. I try to focus and it all fails. My harmony is lost. My balance is no where to be found. I'm grabbing at things in the dark and getting nothing.

Deep down I just want loved. I want someone to wake up next to me in the morning who tells me I'm pretty and encourages me to be my best and guides me to see the potential in myself I cannot. Someone who instills in me the desire to be my best, to pursue my dreams, to cast down my crown of depression...

It is agonizing.

Apparently this is too much to ask. Thanks God for fucking with me, and you wonder why I get so angry with you.