"I don't wanna fall in love, no no. Love cuts just like a knife."

Jane Child was a crazy looking white woman.

I quote her tonight. I think she has a point.

"Let me tell it to you one more time, boy..."

"Falling in love" is one of the riskiest things one can do. It requires us let our guard down, become more vulnerably and to actively open ourselves to another person who may end up hurting us in the end.

"I knew I didn't want nobody else, you're scaring me to death"

The problem lies in the fact I've been here before, on the verge of jumping in. I've jumped before. It was the best experience of my life. It was, however, also the worst experience of my life. The risks of dating someone whom I really like are troublesome. I've suddenly found myself with a lack of confidence, social anxiety, and significantly more quiet and becoming shyer by the moment.

"Ain't no personal thing boy, but you have got to stay away far, far away from my heart, my heart"

I find myself frequently struggling with my emotions, especially when there is logic behind their choices. It is difficult to express the passions that wells within me. My passions are generally overwhelming. I continue to bottle them and fervently search for releases (hence my writing, which is still vague but helps).

It is far easier to distance myself from people. It is far easier to deal with loneliness than severe disappointment. It is easier to dance crazily in my living room without being judged. It is far easier to sing without being critiqued on when I miss a note. It is far easier to be single then to be told after a year that all this time I was not good enough, too far away, or not your type.

This doesn't mean I am not interested in relationships. I've just become even more selective as I am tossed aside. I don't want to be the picked, I want to do the picking. Maybe then they'll stick around. Maybe.

Perhaps I'm just a crazy, robot with high demands and poor taste in men. :-P

Perhaps I'm the one that is poor taste. I've tried to make myself an appealing match. I'm pretty enough, I can cook, I am generous, perhaps a little cold at times but I am fully capable of loyalty. I am still capable of being a good parent and loving spouse.

I'm smart, pretty and one day wealthy. (haha) I guess I'm just not what good men want.

"You have started sinking in"

"Let me tell it to you one more time boy: 'I don't wanna fall in love, no no. Love cuts just like a knife.'"

For now I'll just work on being of higher value. Maybe then I won't so easily be tossed aside.