"Why oh why must it be this way? Before you can read me you got to learn how to see me, I said free your mind and the rest will follow"

Since I was a child I recognized I was not in the norm. I spent most of my adolescence fighting my natural inclinations. My greatest desires were to be normal and to be accepted. This naturally never happened.

I have always felt a bit masculine. As a child I greatly enjoyed math, the sciences, and had a temper. As I got older I grew mostly out of the temper, but continued to enjoy "boy" things. Growing up I'd rather tear apart my brother's TurboMan than host a tea party with my dolls. This inclination towards masculine labeled interests and activities increased as I grew older. One example stands out in my mind:

I once went to visit a young man's parents I was dating at the time. At one point in the evening I had the choice between looking at family photos from a recent vacation or looking over the blue prints of a large home his brother was involved in the construction of. The obvious norm would have pushed me to join his mother and sister to look at the photos. I thought of this, but after a short though I decided to go with the blueprints. I could care less about the family photos, I wanted to see the blueprints!

This masculine tendency is sometimes harmful in social situations. In the above case, the mother never took a liking to me. Sometimes I wonder if this incident had a direct impact of losing her favor. I am expected to be sweet, docile and emotionally in tune with others. I am apparently expected to have an unmeasurable amount of hand lotions...

It has been challenging to adopt my overlying femininity. Somethings came naturally to me. I love flowers and plants (I really like the symbolism behind them--which likely goes back to my masculinity), I like to dress up and look nice for a date,  and kisses are bliss. However, on the other side there are just some things about being female I find it hard to get a hold of. Often I find I have extreme anxiety around women, and am quite freaked out by their woman chatter. I generally find I have a very difficult time relating to other women, or that I have trouble maintaining interest in what they are saying. I am not swept away with emotion, charm, and good looks.

I believe the point I wish to make is this: I hate sociology. I really do.

However, I know I'm in the minority. My "type" of overly rational makes up less than 40% of women and of my specific type? 1%.

I do not know how to compromise between who I am, and what as a woman I am expected to be. I have made strides over the years (you should see the amount of eyeshadow I own). Are these strides enough to prevent me from sticking out like a weed among roses? No.

Perhaps one day people will stop scrutinizing me under the microscope of gender stereotypes.