A Melancholic Blue: "And I don't see how you could ever be anything but mine"

I find myself often hit with sadness. It really waxes and wanes in my life. This likely is my biggest source of anxiety.

First, something sets me off. Tonight, a song by The Fray titled: Look After you.
Second, the memories flood-- the happiness, the loss of relationships/friendships/etc
Thirdly, I find myself resting in the rut.

I suppose now that I think of it, I likely do a lot of meditating. I analyze the past from every angel a thousand times.

The Fray always reminds me of G, which is likely the sorest spot of my inner world. He brings me a great deal of pain. He brings me a great deal of sorrow, and speaking to him is rather bittersweet. I love him but I try to forget. For him my heart expresses every known emotion I can think of. I have been working on releasing myself from his grasp that he is very unaware of in his actual being. I pity him sometimes.

It brings me some sorrow and comfort to know that he only had a brief relationship after myself, and since has been wandering lost in the world without the invisible hand of woman. It brings me sorrow because I know that if we had stuck it out....

It brings me sadness because I opened up my whole self to him, a task that is terribly difficult to me. He was my Beloved (See Song of Songs). Never have I allowed myself to be so vulnerable and be seen without all my walls in place.

It is sad that we knew each other so well, and deep down are still very familiar with each other. Here is a man, that if we could have put our difference behind us, we would have been marrying. Chemists. *sigh*

So I sit after a long, boring day where I tried very hard to study....listening to The Fray and contemplating crying.

But crying is useless as I am out of Kleenexes and for almost 2 years left without a man I want to hold me, calm me, and remind me it is all alright as I do so. I am without the ability to let my guard down. It is terribly exhausting.

"And I'm short on words, knowing what's occurred"


I know I shouldn't be sad at his loss. But I am. I'm sad because since I have struggled. I've struggled to even attempt it again.

And now sits before me a new man, whom I love, without his knowledge. Yet, my guard is still up. There is no time to fall apart when/if I am disposed of as I frequently am.

G used to compare me to an unknown caramel brand. Secondhand butterscotch that no one seemed to want. However, once consumed one realized how great it was, often better than the Milkmaid ones.

As his graduation comes close, I intend to get him a small gift to get him on his feet in the bright big world. Likely a tie. I'm going to ship him a beautiful tie. And inside I will be proud of him, and terribly disappointed.

I hope he never marries. I don't mean it in spite but as in my own little sanctuary. The knowledge might be my little death, should I not find my own happiness. The thought of him, even today, with another woman sickens me physically.

"I don't see how you could ever be, anything but mine."

I frequently wonder how he feels. After the break up and a new boyfriend he pushed me away, pushed me away as if he never wanted to look back. He performed a perfect heartbreak. I still remember the car ride where he told me that he had decided he didn't want me in the rest of his life, while I choked back tears and kept my composure for at the time I wanted him in the rest of my life. After I got out of the car, I lost it. I vehemently wept, and didn't get much sleep that night. I remember his little acts of innocence and concern afterwards. I still don't know how I managed to not kill myself--- likely the excellent track season I had. Ah Track! Thou art my rescuer from life! I cried, wept even, every night without him there to comfort me. I wondered everyday up to graduation what he was doing. I've continuously tried to figure out what I did so very wrong. It is hard to think I could ever truly be so loving and vulnerable again without understanding my big flaw, my big mistake.

Ever since I've been insecure in dating and relationships. I am terrified of doing something wrong or intentionally do everything wrong.

It is difficult for to blame anyone but myself. It is a result of repeatedly being discarded and let go and misunderstood.

First, there was my father (more correctly my birth father) whom I loved as any great daddy's girl would. He lied and used me. I was never really loved. Let's also add the family that declared me a liar in court when they would have whooped my ass for lying in the first place. How could I not be honest? How do you think it felt to come to the realization that I was simply a pawn in my sick father's world? How could they so easily abandon me for that monster? I was simply disposable, worthless, and abandoned.

Then came many similar events in my life, with the paramount of being disposable: G.

I now live trying to remind myself that so many people believe I am of worth, that I am not just a piece of trash to be tossed aside...however over time I even feel the growing distance between these people. I try very hard to not think of this. It upsets me. As the continents drift on their subtle plate-tectonics of life....I am left as Antarctica-- a distant island that no one wishes to claim...

Overall I have been good at being in a good mood lately. School has been better, my finances aren't terrible, I am surrounded by good music, tasty food....

Sometimes I want to let go. I want to live far far away in a remote area, where if I am really wanted or desired those who seek me would trek to find me. I want to disappear into Nirvana.

Sometimes I wish I could live as G does, without strong emotions. Perhaps at times that would be most preferred. For now I sit hiding as many as I can.