"I'd stop the world and melt with you"

"Ever heard of chaos theory, Ed? It's a science, tries to determine underlying patterns in chaotic systems like weather, ocean currents, blood flow sort of things. But it turns out that are few things more chaotic than the beat of a human heart. Its beating up, slowing down. Pretty face, flirty stares. It's always changing on what's happening to ourselves out there. It's an erratic son of a bitch. But underneath all of that bump-da-bump mess, there is in fact a pattern, the truth, and it's love. Most important thing about love is that we choose to give it, and we choose to receive it. Making it the least random act in the entire universe. It transcends blood, it transcends betrayal and all the dirt and makes us human. "
~Chaos Theory, character: Frank Allen


There is a dear friend in my life, and I have come to realize why he is so appealing. 


He is not perfect. In fact he is quite imperfect. I can think and list many seemingly negative qualities he possesses. I see them in their full glory. I have run through the disapproval algorithms of prediction. I have sifted through them, considering the full sense of their potential impact. I have wondered if these ingrained traits could be changed, and I have wondered if it is even important in the grand scheme of things. 


Furthermore, if I am ying, he is yang. We differ substantially, and in many ways complete opposites. 


He is nothing special. There is nothing that makes him stand out, except perhaps that he is everything away from mainstream. He differs in a quiet manner. Nothing flashy, no sparkle, no shine. 


I often feel getting to know him requires the patience that one would put towards waiting for a caterpillar to become a butterfly. 


He is full of sage, mystery, and ambiguity. He is predictable. 


Yet I want him patiently. I long for him in the way I do for the trees, the mountains, and the sight of little wrens. 


When I broke my engagement off many years ago, I sought to put in the time and devotion to a young man and avoid the pitfalls of my engagement. I saw potential in him. He was terribly imperfect. I made a conscious effort to love him as unconditionally as possible. I succeeded and to this day I still love him dearly. In the end I was dismissed as not being good enough. Since I have wondered if I could ever make this choice again. 


I believe I can. I am willing. I am more than willing. I am more willing with every fault I uncover and every dream. I am willing to be patient with his faults, I am willing to be kind, I am willing put his happiness above mine. I am willing to accept him for who he is, who he will become and regardless if he changes or not. I am willing to love him unconditionally. I never thought I'd say that again. 

"If equal affection cannot be,

Let the more loving one be me."

~W. H. Auden


I ask for nothing.